Got some diagnoses (major trigger)...
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| Thu, 04-13-2006 - 8:04pm |
(Triggers...especially for anyone who's been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder)
Here's my update...sorry to post again so soon. I called my pdoc to maybe see about meds again, and she surprisingly enough asked me to come in later this afternoon. So I did...still just feeling awful, miserable...so I guess I will go back on them...
But we had a long talk, and she said it was a good time to be honest with me about my diagnoses...recurrent major depression and *borderline personality disorder.* I can't say I'm surprised, and I know in my heart it's probably true...and I know I may even have posted a very similar post here before.
So she talked about how it will be a very hard, long road for me in this profession with these two things to overcome...that it is still possible, just very difficult...and I know that as well. I could write more about the conversation, but I guess it's not the point...
It's not just a matter of a diagnosis on paper...but I just don't want to live with myself with this personality problem. I asked her what she would do, and she said it's important for me to stay on meds and find a really good therapist and work through things, that many people have tendencies toward personality problems...but it's just not enough for me...
Already, I don't even have close relationships (especially not with guys) because I know how awful I am at them because of my personality, and I just don't want to do that to someone. (But can you even have borderline personality disorder, with all the emphasis it puts on having stormy relationships, if you don't even *have* relationships??!)
I know I can't be consistent in a job, especially not one where I'm going to have to wake up at 5 AM day after day (as my pdoc said, the stress of this career will be really likely to aggravate all this)...she even asked if I was considering taking a leave of absence or withdrawing, and that there are other careers out there in science!
Then again, she did say I need to be on meds again before I should make a decision like that, and that she wouldn't listen to me go on and on about negative things.
But this to me is not a diagnosis like high blood pressure or diabetes, like my pdoc was trying to say...this is like a character judgment...and I can't escape myself. I'm starting to seriously want to end my life (and even stopped for a second while crossing a busy street coming back from my appointment), but I know if I even attempt that, it's just one more typical thing that a person with borderline personality disorder would do. And I saw the judgment in my pdoc's eyes, much as she tried to hide it...and I know it's there in everyone's...it's there in the teaching material they gave us for our psych class!
My pdoc did ask if I needed to go to the hospital, and I said I didn't think so...I can't, for many reasons, and I guess I don't need to. I can't need to go to the hospital over getting a diagnosis anyway, right?! (Plus that would mean seeing all my professors, students in classes above me, etc...)
Sorry, I really hope this didn't trigger anyone...I guess I don't belong on here after all...so even my mood swings were all a creation of my stupid, manipulative personality.
Rose
Edited 4/13/2006 8:10 pm ET by rosa444

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(((((Rosa))))), I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. I remember parts of your story and I'm so sorry that this new diagnosis will cause you to reconsider your career choice. In the long run, tho, your pdoc may be saving you alot of time and heartache. It would really s*ck to make it thru med school only to find that you're not able to practice effectively or keep on the schedule required.
I know absolutely nothing about BPD except that at least one other person on this board also suffers from it. I don't know what it is about BPD that would prevent you from practicing medicine. If it's any consolation whatsoever, I'm a recovering addict and suffer from depression and hypomania and I've been able to practice law pretty effectively on the right medications with a flexible schedule.
I'll say a prayer for you. Love, Mo.
Yes, you do belong here...in the sense we are your friends...not just b/c of a mental illness. Everytime I read your posts, I can tell you are such a nice person. I really think you would be a great Doctor.
hi rose...
i have bp, ptsd (from being sa'd) and BPD, and htere's nobody in the world that's going to tell me what i can and can't do.
sure i have a lot of problems: relationship problems, emotional regulation problems, distress tolerance problems.
so i go to therapy. i have an incredible pdoc, who regulates my meds for bp and bpd. and i have therapy with him as well.
i go to dbt (dialectic behavioral therapy). it's group therapy created specifically for borderline patients.
it's going to take years to "fix" my distorted thinking, how i react, my anger, my maladaptive coping skills (si'ing, drinking, etc.), my messed up relationships, my black and white thinking. my abandonment issues... i could go ON and ON. it's HARD WORK!
but i'm going to do it. because NOBODY is going to tell me what i can and can't do. i'm going to have a healthy relationship and a family someday. i work, but i'm going to have a fulfilling career. i will.
it's not a death sentence. believe me i understand how hard it is to hear the dx. i almost fell over, uh uh, not me! i was so depressed. i was furious. i was a million things all at once, you know the conflicting emotions. but yeah, unfortunately for me it totally fit, like all of it. it took a long time to sink in, and i guess once it did, i could start to focus on getting better cuz i dont want to be like this forever. i'm fd up in so many ways, lol!
but please hang in there. there's help out there, it does get better. i'm getting better. you can too. once you get this settled a bit more, and have a good therapist that specializes (or at least works well) with bpd patients (that's really important, because a lot don't know what to do with us!), then i'd recommend looking into the dbt that i mentioned earlier. that helps a LOT.
hope some of this is helpful. please dont give up. it's okay... you'll be okay.
--beth
Thank you all SO much...I cried even more reading your posts, but in a grateful way (I've cried so much now, though, I've gotten a nosebleed!). I did call my mom and try to talk to her a little, though I haven't been open with her about the details of this kind of stuff before.
Her reaction, though, was that my pdoc is the wrong one for me, because every time I've come back from seeing her, I'm really upset...that I've been seeing her for 2 years, and she's never said anything that's been beneficial or helped me deal with things.
Personally, I think that's not the main issue...that it's the diagnosis that's bothering me, and not the way she said it...but my mom feels really strongly about this. She even sent me links to other psych centers in my city (although I think this pdoc is the only one covered by my insurance!). What do you all think?
It is true that I was planning to go to the pdoc this time *just* to discuss meds...so this was a shock in a way, though the diagnosis itself doesn't surprise me. But I have been thinking I wouldn't be able to handle this career, so I guess she just confirmed that for me...though to be fair, she did say it is possible, and after a while, she agreed that I maybe could do it with a lot of work and meds and therapy.
To address what you all said, though, I do have a tdoc and I've been seeing her for most of this year (I think). She's very good overall, the best tdoc I've ever had, although the last few sessions I've had with her have made me confused and a little uncertain about that...but I think it may be just a bump in the road.
And actually, even this diagnosis is not completely new to me...one of the many student therapists I saw in college (they rotated through the program every few months or years) gave me a tentative diagnosis of BPD...and we actually went through several chapters of the DBT book...but I'd either kind of forgotten about it or tried to forget about that until now, I guess!
(He diagnosed me when he told me, at the end of a session, that things were going well, and he thought I might not need to see him as often. I responded by saying something, for the first time, about how I was considering killing myself that weekend. Later on they had the police out looking for me to take me to the hospital...it was awful...so I think that was when he decided I fit the bill for manipulative!).
But I thought I had escaped those behaviors for the most part over the years, and that may be why this hurts so badly. I avoid relationships like the plague, since that's where I would have problems (though avoiding is hardly ideal!). I tried and tried to become a "responsible" person who consistently gets good grades and keeps commitments. I've tried to learn not to react to each hurtful thing by immediately doing or saying what comes to mind and ending up in trouble or in the hospital...
And yet still I have this diagnosis, and I still know I deserve it. My pdoc did say that when my moods are under control, these borderline tendencies aren't as much of a problem...it's just a matter of trying to keep my mood stable and good over a long period of time, in a very stressful environment (next year), while dealing with these personality issues, is going to be very hard.
MAJOR TRIGGERS AGAIN TO COME!
And I know this is that "black-and-white" thinking that's so typical...but if I don't make it through med school, I will want to kill myself (OK, to be honest, I will kill myself)...there will be no "settling" for a desk job or a lab job and the utter humiliation of failing out of med school. And no, two years of med school is not "something" in the job market, as my pdoc and my mom have been trying to tell me...two years of med school means you failed out of med school!
Sorry if this post is so disjointed...I've taken some Ambien to calm down, and that tends to make me ramble even MORE, if that's possible! You all are so strong for fighting this, and for succeeding against all odds. I feel like I've been given the tools a long time ago...years of therapy, even some DBT, lots of meds (even ECT)...and I did my best...but this may be my limit.
Strange thing is, I'm not even sure what I'm talking about there...what is so horrendous in and of itself to make me want to die? (OK, that must be the Ambien talking). But in any case, I do now want to die...if only my parents weren't still alive to mourn it. (They're even going on a trip to Italy next week, but the way things are going, I am praying they won't cancel on account of me...then I truly would feel awful).
OK, I guess I'd better say goodnight...thanks again so very much to all of you. I feel like maybe I'll give the meds a day or two and see, but I can't imagine they'd change the facts of my personality. And then maybe I need to consider eliminating myself from the world...I'm kind of doing that already in the way I live my life, by not having relationships or getting involved in important things. I don't know what else to say.
It is so tempting to just keep taking one Ambien, and then another...I just ran my knee into the desk from Ambien haziness and my eyes' being so swollen from crying that I can hardly see where I'm going anyway. Normally I don't keep lethal doses of things in my room because I know I'm impulsive about using them...but I'd been doing so much better lately that I now have 100 tablets of extra-strength acetaminophen...great...
Sorry, I can't imagine how this wasn't triggering...I hate myself...
Thanks again a million times over, and I apologize again for all this,
Rose
Edited 4/14/2006 12:53 am ET by rosa444
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ROSE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm sending all of the P&PT I can to you. I don't know what to say, and yet I know what to say and don't know where to start. You are such a huge part of this board, Rose! I look forward to hearing from you and seeing how you're doing. I think just by having the dream of helping others through the medical community (no matter the outcome, doctor, nurse, lab, etc) you're doing something important! IF (I say it that way on purpose... IF) it comes to you leaving med school because of your dx (if you choose to see it that way), then you wouldn't be failing out, you would be choosing to leave. But you've come this far! And if you find the proper meds that allow you to put a better, more realistic perspective on your life and the circumstances in it, then you may find that med school is exactly the place you need to be! Maybe med school is where you need to be, but whatever course of study you're in isn't quite right, you need to change it a little. ?? I don't know. I'm just saying there are possibilities that you may only be able to see once the meds allow you to adopt a different perspective. They give you a little separation from it, so you can see more of the forest instead of this one stupid BPD tree, as it were.
Bottom line... No matter what happens with med school - LISTEN UP! - you are a valued, loved member of this board. We are your friends and you HAVEN'T screwed up ANY of these relationships!!!!!!! We are here to support you as much as you let us, and more if you give us the chance. Please hang in there. You may be just barely surviving now, but I can see so many more possibilities for you in the near future if you just let them come about.
I know I haven't posted much, and so I don't know if I have the "authority" to say all of the things I have, but I don't care. I mean them and I hope you understand that I care about you and what happens to you. Please take care, as much as you can. If you EVER want to talk, email me (kristinmmyers@hotmail.com) and I'll give you my cell number (that goes for anybody). Love you, Rose! Please hang in there!!
Dear Rose,
{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}
I know what the stats are with bpd. They went back and forth with me for a few years but then decided I wasn't, but I guess I must have some tendencies or they wouldn't have put so much energy into trying to dx me. Whatever may be the case with me, I have already started a dream career as a music teacher; I think I beat the odds. I was thinking about you last night, too. If you have already finished a lot of med school, that means you are capable of a lot, bpd or no. This is my completely unprofessional opinion, but I think you should stick with it a bit longer. There may come a time that you can't handle things, but I think your past performance makes it worth another shot. It will certainly not be easy- you will encounter people who think your dx makes you a piece of excrement, and unfortunately those same people are all too often in positions of power.
Be strong, and when you're going through hell...keep going!!
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
Rose!!!
Did you know that I too have Borderline??? and PTSD...and BP? You can have mood swings as a kind of result of your BPD. The intitials may get confusing, but you'll get used to it. A lot of us here have both...its quite common actually, for BP's to have a personality disorder as well.
Don't ever let me hear you say that you don't belong here. You do. You are a part of us! It takes us all as a whole, to help each through this CRAP! Okay?
Yeah, it sucks...but, don't you dare let anyone tell you what you can and can't do!!! Yes, its difficult. But you can do it...it might take some really hard work. But you DO need meds...
So, you're on a journey...that's what it is...just a journey. And we have to keep it in that perspective and not let it try to kill us...okay?
Keep talking...talk and talk and talk. The more knowledge you have, the better.
We're here for you. We care, and we're gonna get through this together.
Love you,
Keli
((((Rose))))
I have nothing more to say then what everyone has already told you.
God could not be everywhere, so
Dear, dear Rosa, I hope you're feeling better - a little bit maybe? - today. I'm so sorry for all that's going on in your life right now.
Please, please try to calm yourself until you can think more rationally. And I know you can absolutely think rationally, else you wouldn't have come this far in life. Please don't boil life down to med school or nothing. There's an entire spectrum of other opportunities available that you probably haven't even considered yet. You're too emotional right now. Why not just trust that something else, some other career option, will present itself and be just right for you.
I can relate to some of the feelings you're sharing about med school, though. I'm a perfectionist, as I'm sure you are too, and you know that just to get accepted into med school you have to have been at the top of your college class, and and to get into college you had to do well in high school...so that by the time we get to professional school, we've had a long, successful academic history. Then we get into a class with others who've also had a long, successful academic history, and someone is going to get their first "C" ever. I remember mine. It was first semester, in Constitutional Law. It sucked, I cried, and convinced myself I didn't belong in law school, they'd made a major mistake admitting me, I wasn't smart enough to be an attorney...blah,blah,blah. I had totally convinced myself that I needed to drop out of law school, and I couldn't face dropping out of law school, and I had only ever wanted to be an attorney, there was no other career choice out there for me...blah,blah,blah. I know a little bit about where you're coming from this morning.
Again, I know absolutely nothing about BPD, but I'm BP myself and a recovering addict - those 2 in and of themselves make for a pretty unstable person. It just breaks my heart that you think you must "eliminate yourself."
I don't know where you live, wish I could send you flowers, bring you hot tea, and be your real life friend. I'm probably old enough to be your mother, and you just sound like you need that kind of love and support right now. I just wish I could convince you that none of this is as important as it seems. The only thing that really matters in life is your happiness. You CAN be happy doing something other than practicing medicine, believe me you can.
I don't know what else to say, but please, please check in here and update us. We so care about you, and you belong here with us because you're our friend. We'll get you thru this, Rosa. Love, Mo.
Edit: I just decided to make a new thread instead to make it less confusing...sorry again many times over for filling up the board with my posts...but thank you all so much.
Rose
Edited 4/14/2006 3:45 pm ET by rosa444
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