Got some diagnoses (major trigger)...
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 04-13-2006 - 8:04pm |
(Triggers...especially for anyone who's been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder)
Here's my update...sorry to post again so soon. I called my pdoc to maybe see about meds again, and she surprisingly enough asked me to come in later this afternoon. So I did...still just feeling awful, miserable...so I guess I will go back on them...
But we had a long talk, and she said it was a good time to be honest with me about my diagnoses...recurrent major depression and *borderline personality disorder.* I can't say I'm surprised, and I know in my heart it's probably true...and I know I may even have posted a very similar post here before.
So she talked about how it will be a very hard, long road for me in this profession with these two things to overcome...that it is still possible, just very difficult...and I know that as well. I could write more about the conversation, but I guess it's not the point...
It's not just a matter of a diagnosis on paper...but I just don't want to live with myself with this personality problem. I asked her what she would do, and she said it's important for me to stay on meds and find a really good therapist and work through things, that many people have tendencies toward personality problems...but it's just not enough for me...
Already, I don't even have close relationships (especially not with guys) because I know how awful I am at them because of my personality, and I just don't want to do that to someone. (But can you even have borderline personality disorder, with all the emphasis it puts on having stormy relationships, if you don't even *have* relationships??!)
I know I can't be consistent in a job, especially not one where I'm going to have to wake up at 5 AM day after day (as my pdoc said, the stress of this career will be really likely to aggravate all this)...she even asked if I was considering taking a leave of absence or withdrawing, and that there are other careers out there in science!
Then again, she did say I need to be on meds again before I should make a decision like that, and that she wouldn't listen to me go on and on about negative things.
But this to me is not a diagnosis like high blood pressure or diabetes, like my pdoc was trying to say...this is like a character judgment...and I can't escape myself. I'm starting to seriously want to end my life (and even stopped for a second while crossing a busy street coming back from my appointment), but I know if I even attempt that, it's just one more typical thing that a person with borderline personality disorder would do. And I saw the judgment in my pdoc's eyes, much as she tried to hide it...and I know it's there in everyone's...it's there in the teaching material they gave us for our psych class!
My pdoc did ask if I needed to go to the hospital, and I said I didn't think so...I can't, for many reasons, and I guess I don't need to. I can't need to go to the hospital over getting a diagnosis anyway, right?! (Plus that would mean seeing all my professors, students in classes above me, etc...)
Sorry, I really hope this didn't trigger anyone...I guess I don't belong on here after all...so even my mood swings were all a creation of my stupid, manipulative personality.
Rose
Edited 4/13/2006 8:10 pm ET by rosa444

Pages
Rose...
(((hugs))). I too am a borderline personality, at least on paper. I know that some of the traits still fit me, but not all of them. It was a diagnosis I got 6 years ago and have been pigeonholed in ever since.
Just because it is a "personality" disorder, doesn't mean that there is anything inherently wrong with your personality. You are the you you are meant to be at this very moment, as my aunt keeps telling me.
I know how difficult relationships can be, whether they be friendships or romantic relationships or family. That does come with the disorder. But it is possible to have those relationships, believe me.
Borderline personality disorder is not a death sentence. It is very treatable through therapy. CBT and DBT have proven to be especially helpful. The jury is still out on the meds issue, but I think for the most part the belief is that there is no medication that is effective for personality disorders. The depression that comes with it can be treated with antidepressants. Other symptoms can be treated with meds. But meds won't make the problem go away. It takes a lot of hard work, cognitively and behaviourally (hence CBT). My pdoc in the hospital put me on a mood stabilizer, not conviced that I was bipolar, but that it might help with the mood reactivity of borderline personality. (it has helped my bipolar and at least my pdoc isn't discounting the possibility of bp for me, unlike previous docs.)
I too have been having a lot of mood reactivity lately and I think it is hormonal. My pdoc said that people can just "grow out" of some of the aspects of a personality disorder and that's what she thinks is the case with me.
Well I've gone long enough and sorry for posting about myself. At least I hope I said something helpful in this post.
Pages