Update...thanks...

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Update...thanks...
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Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:44pm

I don't know how to thank you all...you really are what has gotten me through this so far.

I'm not sure if it was thinking rationally or just denial, but I woke up this morning wondering...what would happen if I just disregarded what she'd said to me? Even with the depression, I have done very well in school up to now (Mo, you're right, I am a perfectionist!), although what scares me is that we start working in the hospital in June, which is all about interpersonal skills and working consistently all day, not just sitting down with a book for a while before a test.

And I talked to my mom again...I hate what I'm putting her through more than anything...but she really doesn't think this diagnosis fits me. So that has me questioning things too. I mean, I've never gone into a rage (ever), I don't sleep around (OK, this is really embarrassing, but to make my point, I've never even had sex...mainly because the whole idea freaks me out so incredibly much) or abuse alcohol (usually)...

But then I know in its essence, the diagnosis probably fits...right??! My mom says she knows me well and has known me longest, but I guess she doesn't know how I can react to things in secret...

But still, as she said, then what do you do about it? How is it helpful to find something like this out? She's trying to convince me that the only thing to do is go back to cognitive-behavioral therapy to do something practical and proactive and not just sit around and talk around in an endless loop...but I've been there, done that for so long, and it just didn't do much for me.

And she (like my therapist) says she thinks it may be a problem of anxiety more than anything else...but there's not really a good way to deal with this level of anxiety, either...and I'm just confused...since if I try to listen to my heart, it's telling me the game is up at this point.

That's why the difference between bipolar and borderline is so important to me...borderline, to me, is not something I "have" (if I do have it, which I guess I do)...it's something I "am"...it's who I am as a person. I am going to try to give the meds a little time to work, though it is very hard at this point to wait, but I feel like if that is really who I am, I don't want to live with myself, or force anyone else to.

(The pdoc did try to convince me that there are a lot of people with personality "issues," or tendencies one way or the other...that a lot of doctors probably tend toward narcissistic or obsessive! Didn't make me feel much better, though).

Mo, even the thought of flowers and hot tea was comforting, so thank you! And thank you all so much. You have no idea, really, what that means to me. Without all those posts, I would be completely alone...my mom is trying to help and understand, but now I'm realizing why I never used to tell her what was going on...I don't want to hurt her like this, and it just makes the whole thing worse.

We were talking about maybe taking a leave of absence, and I guess I should consider it...but should I consider it if it wasn't really a significant thought in my mind before this pdoc appointment? I thought, I'm depressed again, I'll get back on meds again and try to deal with it and move on...or maybe that wasn't all it was, since I did post saying I just couldn't do "this"...the career and all. I'm just confused!

But if I were to take a leave, what would I do, sit at home all day and cry about my problems? Or worse, go home to my parents and have them lecture me and try to make me eat more while I cry about my problems? (I've started having this awful diarrhea again so I really don't want to eat...sorry, like you really wanted to know that. But the very first thing my pdoc said when she saw me was, "we should really check a weight on you," when she doesn't normally weigh me...I think there's a problem, no?!)

Thanks again for everything...for letting me post here and telling me I belong, and for humoring me and my ridiculously long posts...I'm sorry for all this. I know there is nothing major really going on in my life, and I apologize to all of you who have real things going on...I just can't even seem to deal with this...

Rose

Edit: Oh shoot, I just realized something...my parents are leaving for a much-anticipated trip to Europe next week...and that's one reason I really want to stay out of the hospital and hold it together, so I don't ruin their trip. But could this "mean" that I'm getting particularly upset because I'm feeling abandoned or something, as the borderline personality thought goes?! Or am I over-analyzing? Gosh, I hope so, because if that's even part of the reason I'm upset, I even can't say what I think of myself.




Edited 4/14/2006 4:45 pm ET by rosa444

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Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 4:25pm

I hope that I can provide some useful information that I learned from DBT about interpersonal relationships (even though we haven't had that module yet at school I did download some stuff from the internet). I will post that when I'm at my own computer with the materials.


Keep hanging on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 11:04am
Hi Rosa! Happy Easter! I just wanted to check in on you and see how you're hanging in there. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 3:40pm

Thanks so much, Mo...that's so sweet of you. Happy Easter to you too...how are you doing?

I have managed to calm down a lot...and even after a day or two back on meds, my sleeping habits are much closer to normal (when they were really bizarre before)...so I'm surprised that would happen so fast! It really felt like my brain was deprived of something and now it got it back again...

But I'm not sure if this is just a distraction from my emotional problems or what, but suddenly my stomach issues seem to have gotten worse. I was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia a couple years back, and I almost wonder, is it possible to make a hernia worse by prolonged crying??! Because now even liquids feel like they're going to come back up again, and I can't eat at all...my mom is getting really concerned that I might eventually have to check myself into a hospital for physical problems instead of emotional ones! The first appointment with a GI doctor I could get was in late June, but I think it could really be dangerous to wait until then if this continues.

Plus my feet and legs still really hurt and are swollen...and now my fingers have something weird going on too...so I'm just a mess!

Sorry, I know that's not really relevant, and maybe just a distraction. I've thought about my pdoc a little bit...my brain just won't let me think about that diagnosis right now, but I do wonder if now was the best time for her to give it to me...it seems like she was just kicking me while I was down, metaphorically speaking. She said at the appointment that she thought "now would be a good time to discuss a few things" about my future in med school...but I can't see how that was a good time, unless she wanted me to drop out.

I guess that's not the main issue...I guess I just can't face the issue...but to answer your question, I am hanging in there, and emotionally more stable right now, so thank you. In terms of physical things, I feel like I can't even call my doctor again because I just saw her recently, and she attributed a lot of my worries to anxiety and depression (and I can't argue with that, really!)...but I guess I may have to anyway.

Thanks so much for asking about me...I'm sure this was way more than you wanted to know! Hope you have a happy Easter,

Rose

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 8:20pm

Rose,


Sorry to hear of your physical problems as well as emotional. I am a believer that the mind and body are connected, so you very well be aggravating your problems because of where you are emotionally.


Thinking of you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 8:21am

rosa, happy to hear that you're getting things cleared up....hope that you're feeling better ((hugs))

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 9:18am

ITA, Amanda. I don't know where you stand on this connection between mind and body, Rosa, but I have to ask whether you've ever tried yoga. It works wonders for me. Just a thought. Yoga and prayer. I hope you're still improving gradually from that diagnosis.

Are you still in school, is it spring break? Are you managing to get to classes and do whatever you need to keep the option of remaining in med school open?

I'm here with positive thoughts whenever you want some! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 1:24am

Thanks, Mo...I do definitely believe in the strength of the connection between mind and body. I actually debated going to school to become a naturopathic doctor. But knowing it and doing it are two very different things, for me at least!

In my year off from school when I had a lot of physical pain and depression, I did a lot of work on mind and body...I did pilates at least once a day, took a yoga class, and even listened to "healing" audio tapes. I did do some yoga in my first year or two here, but have given it up...they actually teach a yoga class here for free, but it's getting less and less frequent due to lack of interest and lack of a teacher.

It was a funny coincidence that you mentioned that, though, because I hardly ever read the newspaper, but this week I had pulled out a little article about a surgeon and med school professor here photographed with her yoga mat, saying that after doing yoga for a while, even seeing the mat now is calming!

I'm still in school now, though going to no classes. I could do the work outside of class, but haven't been keeping up very well...I just can't focus...but I think maybe I'm doing the minimum needed to keep my options open. When I try to go to class, it feels like mental torture to have to sit there for so long and listen...plus I get really physically uncomfortable since I can't/shouldn't put my feet up (I think they've started swelling some). I know that sounds awful of me to say, that I can't stand it.

I see my therapist tomorrow, and I've been waiting for this for a while. I'm going to ask her about the diagnosis, and I have a feeling she'll confirm it (since I asked her about it once before and she kind of dodged the issue). I'm worried that when I hear it confirmed, I'll fall apart again...then again, maybe I'm still in denial about it now.

I've already lost all credibility at my own doctor's office (I went there once again today about my stomach, but guess I shouldn't have), and I feel like this diagnosis would make me lose all credibility everywhere. I just don't know what I will do. And it's just not looking good to me overall with my physical health either...

Thanks so much for asking about me, and for the positive thoughts...I can definitely use them! I wish I could pray too...my depression only became a real problem once I lost my faith in God, a long time ago...not to say that's the reason, just that it didn't help.

Hope you're having a good night...how are you doing with quitting? I know that is supposed to be really hard, physically and psychologically.

Thanks again,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 9:25am

Hey Rosa!

<<>>

This reminded me that when I was in college I suffered from panic attacks so badly that I couldn't possibly sit in a huge lecture hall unless I was right next to the door and if I couldn't sit next to the door, I spent the entire lecture trying to beat the panic attack. Eventually, I learned to sit outside the classroom and listen to the lecture and take notes. The panic attacks weren't so bad outside in the hallway as they were inside that lecture hall. What a way to live...

<<>>

So, any reason not to try prayer again? We all (well, maybe not ALL) lose faith in God. I know I did, a few years ago when my youngest child died and my middle child was diagnosed with the same disease that killed my youngest. I decided that God must have absolutely hated me and my children, and that I must have been a horrible person in a past life, responsible for mass murders or something of the sort. But life just continued to get worse and worse. Eventually, I had no choice but to turn back to Him and just surrender my life, because I was making a total mess out of it. It's been better and better every day since then. Five years ago I never would've believed the life I'm living today - the peace and serenity, my morals and conscience (didn't have either of them a few short years ago!), my marriage is back together, and I've got the strength and courage to face my son's disease.

I KNOW that on my own power I could never live this way. I turned it ALL over to God 3 1/2 years ago when I admitted myself to rehab/psyche inpatient hospital.

Please keep hanging in there. Yoga is an awesome way to get in touch with the divinity in you and maybe begin the personal and spiritual healing. This may be more important at this point than medical school. JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 5:35pm

Yes, Mo, I'm similar to you in terms of not wanting to go to class...except now we have audio recordings of the lectures, so I sit at home and listen to those instead...

I got back from my therapist, and she actually wasn't quite comfortable with that diagnosis...thought more that I still just haven't figured out who I am, but mostly that I have this completely self-defeating thing going on, which unfortunately could be at least as hard to "fix" as a personality disorder.

And probably self-fulfilling, which I know...she said something similar to you, that it doesn't matter whether I'm in med school or not, I'll still have this self-defeating going on and have it turn out the same either way, until I work on it. Also, that she's not even sure I *want* to be in med school and hasn't been, and I'm not either.

But I just can't drop out. There is nothing at all I *want* to be doing with my day, just getting it over with. I feel dead inside...and that's where I come to what you said...I am amazed at what you have been through and made it through, and I know you say a lot of it is helped by turning it over to God, but you were the one working out the details, at the very least! So I admire you for that...

But I have tried praying again, and this is the problem: I don't believe in God anymore...I don't feel anyone out there listening. I apologize for saying that, since I know that differs from a lot of people's beliefs. I would actually love to be able to believe in God...I really need peace right now. But I just don't...and since I don't, it seems hypocritical to try to believe something just to make myself feel better.

I'm supposed to see my pdoc again on Thursday (so soon, I know!), and though I thought I'd made it through the worst of it, I'm wondering if I'll still end up in the hospital (which I can't really, but what else can you do?). I just feel like I can't make it through these days, much less study...and if I'm going to end up dropping out of med school anyway, it's hard to get motivated. I know, not the right attitude. I'm just too exhausted (still can't eat) and anxious and in pain and depressed to care.

Thanks as always for listening,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 11:27pm

i hope life gets easier for you Rosa ((hugs)) you have to fight it, stay strong

you wrote this

"But I have tried praying again, and this is the problem: I don't believe in God anymore...I don't feel anyone out there listening"

I don't think there's a God anymore but I have to "pretend" to believe for my kids...
I just don't know anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in thinking that way....maybe something will be revealed to us to change our thinking??

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