Update...thanks...
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| Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:44pm |
I don't know how to thank you all...you really are what has gotten me through this so far.
I'm not sure if it was thinking rationally or just denial, but I woke up this morning wondering...what would happen if I just disregarded what she'd said to me? Even with the depression, I have done very well in school up to now (Mo, you're right, I am a perfectionist!), although what scares me is that we start working in the hospital in June, which is all about interpersonal skills and working consistently all day, not just sitting down with a book for a while before a test.
And I talked to my mom again...I hate what I'm putting her through more than anything...but she really doesn't think this diagnosis fits me. So that has me questioning things too. I mean, I've never gone into a rage (ever), I don't sleep around (OK, this is really embarrassing, but to make my point, I've never even had sex...mainly because the whole idea freaks me out so incredibly much) or abuse alcohol (usually)...
But then I know in its essence, the diagnosis probably fits...right??! My mom says she knows me well and has known me longest, but I guess she doesn't know how I can react to things in secret...
But still, as she said, then what do you do about it? How is it helpful to find something like this out? She's trying to convince me that the only thing to do is go back to cognitive-behavioral therapy to do something practical and proactive and not just sit around and talk around in an endless loop...but I've been there, done that for so long, and it just didn't do much for me.
And she (like my therapist) says she thinks it may be a problem of anxiety more than anything else...but there's not really a good way to deal with this level of anxiety, either...and I'm just confused...since if I try to listen to my heart, it's telling me the game is up at this point.
That's why the difference between bipolar and borderline is so important to me...borderline, to me, is not something I "have" (if I do have it, which I guess I do)...it's something I "am"...it's who I am as a person. I am going to try to give the meds a little time to work, though it is very hard at this point to wait, but I feel like if that is really who I am, I don't want to live with myself, or force anyone else to.
(The pdoc did try to convince me that there are a lot of people with personality "issues," or tendencies one way or the other...that a lot of doctors probably tend toward narcissistic or obsessive! Didn't make me feel much better, though).
Mo, even the thought of flowers and hot tea was comforting, so thank you! And thank you all so much. You have no idea, really, what that means to me. Without all those posts, I would be completely alone...my mom is trying to help and understand, but now I'm realizing why I never used to tell her what was going on...I don't want to hurt her like this, and it just makes the whole thing worse.
We were talking about maybe taking a leave of absence, and I guess I should consider it...but should I consider it if it wasn't really a significant thought in my mind before this pdoc appointment? I thought, I'm depressed again, I'll get back on meds again and try to deal with it and move on...or maybe that wasn't all it was, since I did post saying I just couldn't do "this"...the career and all. I'm just confused!
But if I were to take a leave, what would I do, sit at home all day and cry about my problems? Or worse, go home to my parents and have them lecture me and try to make me eat more while I cry about my problems? (I've started having this awful diarrhea again so I really don't want to eat...sorry, like you really wanted to know that. But the very first thing my pdoc said when she saw me was, "we should really check a weight on you," when she doesn't normally weigh me...I think there's a problem, no?!)
Thanks again for everything...for letting me post here and telling me I belong, and for humoring me and my ridiculously long posts...I'm sorry for all this. I know there is nothing major really going on in my life, and I apologize to all of you who have real things going on...I just can't even seem to deal with this...
Rose
Edit: Oh shoot, I just realized something...my parents are leaving for a much-anticipated trip to Europe next week...and that's one reason I really want to stay out of the hospital and hold it together, so I don't ruin their trip. But could this "mean" that I'm getting particularly upset because I'm feeling abandoned or something, as the borderline personality thought goes?! Or am I over-analyzing? Gosh, I hope so, because if that's even part of the reason I'm upset, I even can't say what I think of myself.
Edited 4/14/2006 4:45 pm ET by rosa444

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How about what He's been able to pull ME thru: I've buried a child and have another still alive but with the same diagnosis. C'mon. Do I sound like a drug addict/alcoholic suffering from depression and BP? Do you think I could live this way on my own????
I prayed alot of years for things to get better. In fact, those were almost my exact words: God please make my sons be okay. God, please don't let them die. And when my youngest died anyway, I thought for certain God either hated me or just didnn't give a damn what I wanted. I suffered alot. I turned to drugs, alcohol, and all sorts of sordid living.
But somewhere along the way - not sure where or how - I came to understand that this isn't about how Mo wants to live, this is about how God has planned for Mo to live. And that if I just surrender to His plan for my life, things go a heck of a lot more smoothly.
I can quote you many Bible verses (but I won't, don't worry! LOL) that make clear that we aren't strong enough on our own, but with God's strength, ANYTHING is possible. As long as ANYTHING is in His will for us.
Make ANY sense????? Love you, Mo.
So difficult to explain, but I hope you guys will at least consider the evidence of a higher power working in my life.
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