I think I'm losing my mind...again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I think I'm losing my mind...again...
10
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:17am

Okay, so last night was good with H again, until about 8:00 p.m. Knock at the door...its HER, his friend, our neighbor...she comes in, they stand at the door talking, she barely looks my way, cuz she knows I hate her now...she talks about his phone, her credit card, etc. So she says, should I go get my credit card, he says yes. He goes outside, I follow. I ask, what, is she going to do something with your cell phone? He says, yes, she is going to put more minutes on it...I stay there and wait too. She looks back and sees me there (she's talking to our other neighbor). I finally go in. My ds is upstairs watching thru the window. He comes down and says in a loud voice HE IS NOT COMING BACK IN THIS HOUSE. I say what? He says, she just told Daddy that he could come in her house, IF HE WAS ALLOWED, HAHAHAHA. I was like, whatever. Unlock the door. Great, now my kid is pissed too. Anyway, about 15 minutes later, H comes back home and announces he now has minutes on his phone. I say okay. I'm about to lose it at this point, so I say I'm going to bed. I do. I send him a text that says, I don't understand all this, but it hurts me...we are falling apart and there isn't anything I can do about it. He never replies. He's already told me that I will NOT pick his friends for him, or dictate to him how he will spend time or react with his friends. That's what he keeps saying, she is only a friend.

Well, the reason he has no minutes on his phone is because they talk all the time.

I don't know what to do. I'm a mess...I can't watch him be friends with her. Is that bad? I just can't do it. Its killing me inside, and I can't do it.

But I'm being forced to, and its not fair.

I have a therapy appt tonight, but wtf am I supposed to say and do? I'm crazy, and I'll never change and its because of me this all came about and now I can't change it and I have to cry myself to sleep at night, take enough meds to knock me out, and live with it...I don't know, I just don't know.

So, its the weekend...he will probably go out, and when he goes out with his "friends" (i think its her...) he stays out til most all night...at least 3-5 a.m.

I'm supposed to be all happy for him that he has a life???

I just can't. Now I'm the bad guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:27am

YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY !!!!!


bf, dh, so, doesn't matter.....this is wrong, period.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:48am

you aren't out of line...i hate him...i just need to know if i'm crazy...cuz i feel crazy...he makes me feel like i am the one who is stupid, and not right for telling him how to live his life...

but if i leave, he will blame it ALL ON ME.

i don't know what to do, i'm going in circles...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:24am

Let me tell you my past story about female "friends". If I told you this before, I am sorry.


When I was with Jay, my xbf, we were together for 12 years. He cheated on me a couple of times. I met him when i was 16 and I was "in love", so I put up with a lot of BS from him and his family. The last year we were trying to make things really work, but then he met this guy and his fiance. We would go to their house and have cook outs and go to comedy clubs. I would see Jay look at her a lot and it made me so upset. He would tell me I was out of my mind. Then one night when we left a comedy club and we were on our way to a place to have coffee, he asked me do you think Caroline would cheat on Eric? I said, why don't you ask her to do "it" with you and see, since you want her so bad. He told me I was wrong. Then we are at the coffee place and he is still looking at her like he is in love. Well, I approached Carolyn with it in front of her fiance and she said, you have to be kidding me. Jay is a dork and I am not the least bit attracted to him. She told me later, not in front of her fiance that she didn't want Jay, he wasn't her type. Well, I didn't believe her. When he took me home, that evening,

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:43am

You are NOT the bad guy.

He's an ass. An uncaring, jerkface ass.

I don't care if he's sleeping with his little chickie friend or not; YOU are supposed to be his best friend.

If he doesn't want to make changes in his life based on your needs, well then he shouldn't have married you.

He's a selfish prig and he's not going to change because selfish prigs never do (until their selfishness hurts them).

You are doing nothing wrong, and your expectations to have a life WITH your significant other is NOT unreasonable.

Staying out until the wee hours of the morning WITHOUT your wife is NOT acceptable behavior. Period.

There are no excuses for it.

I don't care if he's out washing the Pope's car or saving babies from fires; if he's doing it every farking weekend, it's not right.

And, as the old saying goes, if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and flys like a duck, it's probably a duck.

And chickie-poo from next door sure seems like a duck to me, know what I mean? She's a slut. In my opinion.

Good, decent women do NOT do anything that could be construed as flirting with another woman's man. And hmm, let me see, does talking on the cell phone so much you HAVE TO BUY MORE MINUTES FOR HIM count as flirting? I'm gonna go with a big ole' "yes" here.

Kick his a$$ out. Seriously.

He wants to talk to her so damn much, he can go move in with her. What's he doing for you right now but destroying your self-esteem, the rat bastard?

Well, okay, there are financial considerations, but hey, you know what, it's only money. Seriously. Life can get pretty rough without alot of money, but you can get through it.

How much is your sanity worth to you? Cause it's got to be worth more than the trouble Mr. I-Think-With-My-Little-Head is causing you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 9:43am

Keli

Number one and MOST IMPORTANT: This is not in any WAY SHAPE OR FORM your responsibility at all. He is an adult and makes his choices. You KNOW this. Just because he SAYS it is because of you, doesn't make it so.

You know my feelings on his relationship with this woman. I won't rehash it. Just remember that it is his responsibility as much as yours to make things work in your marriage. One of my favorite sayings is that it takes 2 to make a marriage work, but only 1 to screw it all up.

I personally wouldn't allow my husband to stay out until 3-5 am with his friends, even if I wasn't worried about who they were. There is no reason for it.

Don't allow yourself to dwell on this. You are not the "bad guy", this is not your "fault", and you aren't crazy at all. He is twisting your illness to his benefit, and it is completely WRONG.

Also: Do NOT under ANY circumstances fall back into the H word again. Don't. He is ONLY going to make it worse. Keep working on you and prepare for your move, with or without him.

I think it is awesome you have therapy tonight - tell her/him exactly what is going on. Be honest. Cry a LOT. It will be SO good for you!

I am leaving work at 12:30 my time and won't be home until Monday night...I'll check here to see how you are doing.

Hang in there - I love ya!!
Tracey

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:00am

I have to agree with all the posts on this one. I wish I coulds offer you words of wisdom as you often do for me and the others but I am at a loss. But it is true that it takes 2 to work on a marriage and 1 to screw it up. DH comes to the tdoc with me when they deam it is ok and it helped him understand a bit more. But I do wonder if your bf or DH is past that point of wanting it to work. But you have to remember you need to take care of you and your kid, no one else will. And when it comes right down to it you only have ourself to depend on at the end of the day. Don't blame your self, although I know its so easy to do. But if you kick his sorry, non-comittal butt out you will make your self stronger for it. As he seems to be he is a follower and not the leader. My best wishes and thoughts and hugs are out to you. I am not working today so I will keep checking back.

Jo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:06am

no no no no!!!!!!!! you are not the "bad guy" here! sweetie, listen to one who's btdt. i respect the fact that your h says he needs friends - hey, we all do. BUT there's a fine line between being 'just friends' and being involved. i know you are in a really rotten place right now and i wish i could make it better for you i really do. but when this female knows how you feel about her and comes over and flaunts herself in your face it doesn't sound all that innocent to me. i don't know, maybe it just hits too close to home for me, but your h and this female are not taking your feelings into consideration AT ALL! this situation has NOTHING to do with bipolar it has EVERYTHING to do with fidelity and feelings. every human being has feelings whether they're bipolar or not and when two people are married there is an expectation of fidelity. if this chick is "popping by" to pay for h's cell phone there's a problem.


do NOT take ownership for this! h is choosing to do this and he knows it hurts you. tell that to your tdoc tonight. and YES you should go and tell him/her everything you wrote in this post. it sounds to me like h could benefit from some therapy as well, but that's just imho.


i have been where you're at and i hope i haven't upset you further. it just hurts me when i see my friends in pain and as a result i tend to stick my oar in the water before i'm invited. but please please please stop blaming yourself for this. yes, you're bipolar and yes, you've had a really hard time with it and consequently your h has too. BUT that does NOT give him carte blanche to treat you like he is. anyone in your marital situation would feel the way you are feeling - bipolar or not. like i said in another thread, you know how to find me if you need to talk. i'm here and i will listen and help you as best i can. you are a good friend and have been there for me. let me be there for you now.


love u,


traci

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:59am
YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY.
he might be doing a good job making you FEEL like you're the bad guy,but in my opinion you are handling this better than i EVER would.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:50pm

oh dear, No you are not the bad guy!!

I'm sorry I didn't time right now to read all the posts but I know that you
are going to have to be strong to fight through all this with therapy (hope H will go to
"see" the light...my therapist told my H that it was his fault that I went out to find
friends....that was last year and we still go to therapy about every 3 months....

sorry that your son had to witness this but in the long run, at his age he will
know what's right...I would have him go to therapy as well....keep him on the right
track how to treat a woman

hang in there Keli, and I'm sorry if i'm out of line but If H is going to continue to "leave" the marriage and not go for help than you can do so much better ((hugs))

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 3:48pm

You shouldn't feel like the "bad guy". You have done nothing wrong. I don't know what to suggest regarding the relationship with the neighbour but wanted to know that I'm here for you, always.


Love,


Amando

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