Update on H

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Update on H
2
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:56am

Starting week 3 on the new med.

RESULT:
Over 2 weeks of sobriety. Last Sat said he was going to liquor store. Came home with goodies, but no alcohol. Said he decided he would take a pill instead. So Easter morning while H was taking pics of the kids I did state, 'I'm really happy you didn't drink last night. It would have been really sad if you missed this.'

Found out DS was in time out during playschool a week ago. Went to talk to his teacher. She said it does get a little out of control, but she is actually excited by it to see his progress. I then said, I just cannot believe with how shy he tends to be that he would be one to disrupt class. Her face went wide & she said, oh he is not shy, not for the past 2 weeks. He has really come out of his shell these past two weeks. He has really come far this year.

On the way home from school I thought about what had changed in the past 2 weeks & it is H's meds & drinking. Definately told H about this. He is now excited to take our 4yo out more often & says he'll really think about it before he buys alcohol again.

SCARED OF:
H decided to take next week off of work & hang out at home. Normally this means a start of a huge drinking binge. He's already said he plans on drinking one day. But I know, if that drink is on Friday night, it won't stop until it's time to get back to work. He will not feel rested & will still need a vacation.

I guess I need to come up with a crisis plan before tomorrow night. If he drinks more than a day I think me & the kids will need to find someplace to stay so he understands I cannot tolerate this any longer. Seeing I work from home, it would be better to send him away, so I'll try that first. I probably should discuss this w/H tonight, while still sober.

...anyway, I had asked for a week to strengthen me, I've now had TWO !!!

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: firstglimpse
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:06pm
in my experience...if he is permitted to even occaisionally indulge in dangerous behavior & not stick to his treatment plan...he will continue to do it.if it were me & he was planning on drinking in advance or announced he was on his way to the liquor store i woould tell him to find an AA meeting(cause he needs it)or to get out.
2 weeks sobriety or no.
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: firstglimpse
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 2:42pm

You're right. But at this point and time in my life I do not have the physical or mental energy to 'get out.'

I have also found when it's HIS decision, he lasts longer & does better than if he feels he is forced to.

In NAMI I learned YOU cannot prevent someone from drinking. I also learned you need to decide what/where your boundaries are. What are the most important and to stick with those, then as that gets better you can redraw. His drinking does harm the kids because he becomes absent, but for no other reason. He is a 'nice' drunk. I hate it because I basically feel he becomes an 'invalid' when he's drunk. Worthless. But these are my problems to work through.

If I've learned ANYTHING from this whole episode I need not to force the issue. He needs to come to these terms on his own. It really does have a better impact & he doesn't hold a grudge toward me.

BTW: He is now under a year's observation now that his meds have kicked in. I've already told him I will be evaluating how well he keeps his meetings, sticks to his meds, overall critique in life and his alcohol intake. I'll tell you, a few times in these past few months I have decided not to stick it out. But then one day, AFTER, I told myself & H that I would give it 1 year after meds kick in, I realized that is also when our life insurance will cover suicide. If it were me alone it would not be an argument to stick to my original, but I have 2 children & that makes it argument enough to stick.

My ultimate hope: He figures this stuff out on his own & takes ownership of it.

My secondary hope: We seperate, more as friends, and we can raise our children with united goals.

Next hope: We seperate phsycially & mentally, but he's still involved with our children's lives.

I do NOT wish him ill. I absolutely want him in our children's lives. But I also realize he is only alive today b/c of me. Even if he decided to stay with the OW he would not last long. He even admits to that. I know this, so does H - as he's admitted as well, plus all of his friends have recognized this over the years. So in reality, I believe and he believes, if we seperate his life will be shortened greatly. I will NOT be held prisonor by this knowledge. I know this & he knows this & we have discussed it. I have to look out for both me & our children. Meeting my needs is not just for me but for my children. I like to think of it like this ... when flying in an airplane the flight attendant will tell you to put your oxygen mask on before your child's or elderly. This is because you have to be healthy to help those around you. So if I feel the way he treats me is too harmful, even if he's still wonderful to our children, I'm out.

His drinking is really more of a nusuance(sp) than anything. It is not on the top of my boundaries as it is liveable. Though, in reality it is one of my boundaries, I just need regnerate for a year to make it as a concequential boundary.

I agree with you Suzie, it should be a give up or get out situation. But until I can follow through on it, it cannot be stated as such. That is my reality.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng