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| Thu, 04-20-2006 - 1:38pm |
okay, talked more with dh this morning...(i am sooo stressed out...) he says that she is just a close friend, a REAL friend, and he hopes that through therapy i will be able to deal with this a lot easier, for my sake. i asked him if he was scared that our marriage seemed to be in real trouble...and his response was..."because of my having friends? good friends? real friends? no, not scared, it should not have to be that way. if you can't deal with this, then we will have serious problems in the future". he says he loves ME and i should not be worried or scared about his friend. that i am freaking myself out over this and she is just a friend.
i just can't do it right now...i AM freaking myself out over this...i do need to learn how to live my life on my own, whether he has friends or not...i am WAY too dependent on him...emotionally. i have to learn to let go, and trust him, and i don't know how to do that. i have to learn to live my own life...i have to let go. i am not ready to leave, and i won't be any time soon.
we do have fun together, and i do know he loves me...and in reality he is allowed to choose his own friends...but at what cost...? that's my whole problem with this entire situation. at what cost...i am not god almighty and in charge of every little thing everyone in my life does.
i don't know what to say to the therapist, but i'm going.
my first instinct, being borderline and all, is to run and find 2 or 3 other men to be friends with myself, and F him...hurt before i can be hurt further...but that's not right either. so, i'm trying. its all i can do. cuz i'm really depressed now, and i wasn't until all this happened. i know its situational, and once i get a hold of the situation, and MYSELF, i'll be okay. i cannot and will not ever control another human being...but i do have control over myself. that's the point i am trying to get to right now. just control over my emotions.

I APPLAUDE YOU!!!!! You are being very honest with yourself and us. And that is a very hard thing to do. I am also very dependant on my DH and mine is only home on weekends as he works in NYC during the week and I to know how hard it is. This will be a very trying time for you and you need to remind your self of that. You have to start with baby steps with what ever path you choose. It is good that you realise that you to need ot have your own life as well. And that is good, But with reguards to DH proceed with caution. Give him some room but just keep your eyes open. And if you feel jumping the gun sit back first before reacting. I know its hard and easy said then done. But you know we are all here to help you. May the growth you acahive in getting your own life and space and letting up a bit (I am not saying you are in the wrong, he could be a bit considerate as well of your fellings.) just might be the trick that helps you and him. What if you talk to him and propose a deal, you will try to let up some if he also lets up on her as well. You bothe give in 50/50. That way no one person is getting off easy. Just a though.
Huggs
Jo
I get what you are saying, and I get what he is saying...but he's asking for too much, imo.
God could not be everywhere, so
u r SOOOO right, its not fair...not fair in the least!!! and i'm totally pissed about it...what i'm trying to do is figure out how to deal with it right now, for the CURRENT time...without losing it...i did tell him, over and over again, to look at it from my point of view, but i cannot communicate any of this well at all...i scream and cry and want to hit him...then he gets mad at me, says i love you, and goes outside for a while...while i go up and go to bed...i hate it...
so, if i gave him an ultimatum, he would leave, or he would continue it behind my back...right now, its out...so i don't know...i just don't know wtf to do...its a bad bad situation to have put me in, but its one that isn't fair, and he either doesn't realize the BIG PICTURE of it, or has made his mind up and doesn't care.
either way, it sucks for me.
there isn't a decent dr. in the universe who would justify a spouse having "a real friend" who made the other spouse uncomfortable or who treated the friends spouse with disrespect.
you are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO right.give yourself credit & trust your instincts.
Hey Keli: If someone else were posting this story, what would you tell them? That their DH is making you seem like the oddball because you don't "get" this groovy new friendship with another woman???? I don't care how your H tries to characterize this relationship, it sounds suspiciously like an A for me. I've got friends who are dirt poor, including my secretary, and I've got quite a bit of money, but I've never bought hours for their cell phone so we could spend more time talking. I might do so in case of an emergency, but not just so we could chat. Think about this, keli. It makes no sense.
And I see no reason for you to be HAPPY for him because he has this groovy new friend - oh, and a really GOOD friend, nonetheless - and his own life. I don't believe for one second that that's what's really going on here (sorry if I'm offering too much of an opinion).
Resist the urge to go out and make some "friends" of your own. Take the higher road. This situation is nutty. Work on yourself and think about putting some distance between yourself and your H. He's clearly already putting some distance between the two of you.
Just my .02. Love, Mo.
Hi Keli, I lurk here mostly, but I do have to tell you that my DH once had a wonderful female friend, that turned into his girlfriend. My Dh also said that she was just a good friend, but the more time they spend together and talk without you around, is a recipe for disaster, as far as I am concerned. I would never now put up with my DH spending time with another woman without me with them. It is not ever acceptable to me, and never again will be. If my DH wanted to spend that much time with another girl, then he would have to leave our marriage to do so. I'm not telling you what to do, but this is only my opinion from someone who has been there. The more time they spend together alone, the closer they will become. Are there usually other people there with them? What would he do if you suddenly wanted to go with him, even if you don't want to, perhaps you should start going all the time with them, and see what happens!
Anyway, good luck to you, and I hope everything works out okay.!
Lori
(((((((((((((((keli))))))))))))))))by the time you get this you will have already had your t appointment, but i want to share a story with you. as i said earlier i have been where you are now. the only difference was i did not know i was bipolar at the time.
my ex ran into his high school sweet heart and the struck up a friendship. he started spending a lot of time at her place fixing up her house because she was recently divorced and needed the "help". this went on for 3 months and each night he stayed at her house later and later. on new years day of that year he told me he wanted a separation - that he wasn't happy anymore and i begged him to go to marriage counseling. he told me that i was the one with the problem he had nothing to do with it. well, when i wouldn't agree to a child support amount without a lawyer he decided marriage counseling was a good idea. he had to sever his ties with his female friend per the counselor's instructions and he abided by this and stuck with the counseling for a few months but when the focus shifted to his part of the problem he decided we were "all better" and didn't need the counseling anymore. the marriage got better for a few months but then another "old friend" showed up in need of rescuing. and xh ran to her rescue - again only as friends. well, having been through it once before i knew the signs to look for. eventually this was the one that ended my marriage because he wasn't willing to give up his "friendship" to satisfy me. i was, again, the one with the problem.....not him.
long story short, everytime he needed to scratch an itch it was my fault because i was crazy. even though nobody knew i suffered from any mood disorders at the time because i hadn't started seeing anyone for it yet. but now i know it was choices he made. yeah, my bipolar put an extra challenge on the marriage but it wasn't insurmountable. he chose to end the marriage rather than fix it.
the point is as has been pointed out, you have to do what's right for you and we can't tell you what that is. but figuring out your life is an excellent place to start. you hang in there and let us know how it went with the tdoc tonight.
love u,
traci