Messed up horribly...
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:18am |
Well, I wasn't able to use ANYTHING to the tdoc told me to use this weekend...starting Friday afternoon before I even got home from work. It was HORRIBLE. My ds called me around 3, said he got home from school and SHE was over there...so I of course, call my dh and start in right from the get go. Got his explanation of why she was over there, and I won't go into it here...got home, and lit into him again about it and other stuff...we got into a huge blow up argument...huge. Then he states that he is going out, over to his friend Justin's for a 'few hours'. I lost it at that point, and we get into another argument, this time MUCH worse. I said some VERY bad things, horrible things...on purpose, to hurt him, and make him mad, and he said some hurtful things back to me, to hurt me in response. It was awful. I knew he would not be back. He wasn't. Until about 12 the next day. I didn't know if he WOULD come back at all, and I didn't have any money, gas in my car, etc. My son gave me money for gas, and I needed ciggs too, but of course, ds wouldn't let me get any with HIS money, and I just lost it again at that point. I know he was trying to help and I was grateful, but I still lost it. I feel guilty about that.
I didn't know what I was going to do. I cried a lot. I was angry, hurt, mad, felt guilty, upset, you name it. I ignored my phone, and stayed in my bed...it was raining anyway. I thought a lot, when I could. I have no options right now, at this point. But I am working on them.
So, he comes home, very obviously hung over and lays down on the couch...so I lit into him again! Couldn't help myself. Finally, around 5 p.m. Saturday evening, we got some things straightened out. He apologized for (of course) staying over and getting drunk...and then for making life hard for me lately.
The weekend was okay for the most part after that.
My options at this point are...continue therapy...try to strengthen myself...for myself...not for my marriage's sake at this point. Get my bills caught up...and his truck fixed...once that happens, I will have more freedom, to do what I want to do. I also, even if I have nobody to go with, am going out this weekend. Somewhere. Alone, to have some fun. I am going to work step by step to rebuild my life. I no longer can depend on him, and I have realized that. Its very sad, and very hard to wrap my mind around, but its reality.
Next issue...my parents. My mother and I got into it last night too...she keeps harping on me as to why I dont' come there all the time anymore. I don't. Its been 4 weeks...you all know how much I used to go there all the time, and maybe that is part of why my marriage is in trouble now...my tdoc told me to stop it. I already did...but I told my mom it wouldn't be any time soon. She got all mad about it...then cried and put a guilt trip on me big time...I got angry. I'm really tired of it. So I told her I had a family of my own to take care of, and I also had to take care of myself. She said, "its so hard, to not see you all the time..." I was like, well, get used to it. I tried to not be mean. But I was firm. I said, call my brother.
So then, she calls again last night around 9, and says, your dad wants to talk to you...GREAT!!! I didn't talk to him yet, but he will call today at work, I'm sure. Ugh. Can't deal with them, AND all of this too.
I'm bordering on a BIG manic...I feel it...the last time my life fell apart, THIS EXACT THING PRECEDED IT! I lost weight (have lost 12 pounds so far, can't eat...), I got separated...I couldn't sleep...got about 4 hours or so last night...and when I start going out again, it will happen...
But I can't NOT live my life anymore. Just can't. I'll increase my meds...but I'm not going to let a man destroy me again. It has almost happened, and it just will not happen again. I'm going to still try to work on my marriage, but I am realistic...I'm not stupid, or young and inexperienced.
Just an update, sorry its so long.

Don't know what to say, i'm very very cranky right now...just wanted to acknowledge your post.
love u
God could not be everywhere, so
Never apologize for your posts! We love you here. I know I've missed you.
I'm glad you know what you need to do to get more freedom in your life and that you are determined to start living again. You deserve it. You're right, you can't let him or your mother ruin your life.
Hang in there
Love,
Oh God honey, I am so sorry things are so crappy right now. I wanted to call you this weekend but I was worried I would make you worse if you werent okay, now I am glad I didnt call. I love you and I miss you and I am so sorry he is being such a prick. You will make it through, and even if things get worse, you will be okay. I am glad you are in control of it now though and are thinking straight, thats going to help alot. I am going to call you tonight. I love you
Rebekah
Gosh, Keli, you sound so level-headed about everything. And that may sound like an odd response after posting that you "got into it" with your DH about this friendship he has, but I don't think there was anything so wrong with that. You're establishing boundaries. For yourself, and for your marriage.
Why does he have another woman over your home at 3:00 p.m. on a Friday afternoon, and what is this telling your DS? Very bad judgment on H's part, if you ask me. And what right does he have to go out for the night and come home hungover at noon the next day?
I do understand what your therapist told you, about trying to remain calm, practice breathing and calming exercises instead of blowing up, not making snide comments, BUT I think your H's behavior is deplorable right now and he's trying to pull something over on you. I think you're tearing into him is just setting the record straight for what you will and won't tolerate. Clearly, you don't want anymore of what went on Friday afternoon until Saturday evening. Maybe you made that clear to him. If you did and he doesn't respect it, well, you've got more evidence as to what you need to do with yourself for your future.
Sorry to hear this is all going on, Keli. I don't think I'd be able to keep my head under the circumstances, either. Take care. You're in my thoughts. Love, Mo.
Hi Keli,
Let me first say that I love you. I am sorry that this is going on. I haven't wanted to post about this, because I don't have any first hand experience with this. Not since I have been married anyway. Sure, I had my ex-fiance (Jackie's donor) cheat on me, but that is different. Marriage is a whole different ballgame. What I did learn was that I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me.
((((((((((((Keli))))))))))))) it sounds like you cleared the air this weekend on a lot of fronts. And as bad as you may have felt or do feel about it, it sounds as though that's what was needed for all parties concerned. I, for one, am glad you did it.
As for you going out and having fun this weekend I think that's a good idea. Just be careful. Stay away from certain things/situations that you know to be definite triggers for manic episodes. While you don't want to be triggered into a depressive episode you also don't want to be triggered into a bad manic episode either, I don't think.
This may not have been how tdoc said to handle it, but I don't see how you messed up horribly. You simply stopped "ignoring the elephant in the living room" so to speak. H now acknowledges his role - even if he was hungover. That's huge. I'm proud of you and how you handled it. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Love U
Traci
(((((((((Cyn)))))))) don't feel like you shouldn't post to certain threads just because you're not in a certain situation. Your input is valuable here - as valuable as your presence on the board. I understand your feeling awkward about posting, but take it from one who has stuck their oar in other peoples waters on more than one occasion - your input is welcomed:)
hugs,
traci
yay for you keli...i mean it.
I know what yo mean by messing up. I to on occasion do the samething and you are right you just can't stop for some reason. But it is done now and you cant dwell on it. Allyou can do is try to find the good that might of come out of this, yousaid you got somethings cleard up. And i know that when i burst like a soda bottle that i do tend to feel a bit better emotionaly and physically once i get thru what has happened. I hope things get better soon for you. HUGGSSSSSSS
Jo