oh helpmehelpmehelpme

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
oh helpmehelpmehelpme
10
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:53am

i can't stand my life.i really can't.
especially since i have a chaste relationship w/ my h...i have zero attraction for him & everytime i see a happily attracted couple it crushes me since it's all i've ever wanted.& guilt for not sleeping w/ h.
so my longtime happily married no strings sexually addicted lover who i met in my manic days is getting a craving.maybe his wife is having her period maybe he is just needing it 12 times a day right now.
anyhow when this happens he always tracks me down.i say no no no ...its not ME he wants..its the sex.
so the phone rings...the cell rings..the phone rings again.the DOORBELL rings TWICE so i get out of the shower b/c this time i figure its the gas co.
& i never fail to feel like a jerk but all this is on top of my depression & my delayed reaction to the comments about my weight gain & my irrational feeling that no one will like me if i speak up.
yes i sent him packing by bursting into tears.freaked him out.
then he calls to tell me an orgasm might make me feel better.then he plays the longtime i'm the only one who understands & cares about you thing...& i actually feel bad.
if my h could guilt me into sex that easily he'd be a happy man.
my life turned out all wrong.i am the same piece of garbage i was when i was a kid.
you know when you go to bed & realize that any thought or memory you have is so painful you have to spend the time dodging thoughts till you fall asleep?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 12:06pm

(((((((((Suzi)))))))) You are NOT garbage!!!! Right now you are incredibly depressed, but you still have the where-with-all to tell the ex lover NO. Pat yourself on the back for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 12:08pm

omg, suz...i so know how you feel...but honey...i need for you to call your pdoc...seriously...i don't care what you tell him, but you call him and tell him something is wrong...something is wrong because you feel worthless, you feel like you have to stay in bed to 'dodge the thoughts til you sleep'. That is pure hellish depression...bipolar depression of the worst kind...you need help. okay? please. if you don't call and get some help, its into the hospital...you know this, in the back of your mind you know this...

now, your marriage to H is over, it has been for a very long time...you are putting in time there because of what? no other options? you feel guilty? you feel inadequate?

i don't know love...all i know is you HAVE NO CHOICE but to call your pdoc...right now, today...tell him how very depressed you are...please.

i wish i could help you...

all this that am i going through with my h...is hell. and it depresses me, yes...but its not this horrible chemical bipolar depressive low that you are in right now...i am worried about you...get on the phone, right now...your meds need adjusting.

love you.

k.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:44pm
I don't have much more then what the op said....you are loved here and you are doing what you can at this time.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 5:07pm
I to am in a horrible state right now, And I know what you are feeling. But the girls are right you are not garbage. If i had insurance and I could call a pdoc right now I would be on the phone. So please call, take care of your self then sort the rest out later.
Huggs,
Jo
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 9:47pm
good for you turning down s/o
you are worthy of so much happiness....like the op said please call your doc maybe
the meds need changing ((hugs))
Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 6:38am
the reason i don't call my pdoc yet...
my pdoc costs 375$ a session.
he wants to start me on amphetamine therapy
BUT
i have to get cardiac clearance & my cardio appt isn't till the end of this week.then i have a pdoc appt.
thank you for your wonderful words.you are all wonderful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 8:38am

so just because you have to pay full price, you can't even call him?

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Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 8:57am
ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 1:34pm

Suzi,


You are NOT garbage!

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 4:21pm

You are not a piece of garbage suziq. You are a wonderful person. Just because you don't want to be sexual doesn't make you a bad person. I personally want to have nothing to do with sex. I don't think he is trying to guilt you into sex, well maybe, but I think it's more than that. I think he generally is trying to show that he cares about you emotionally.


Hugs,

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