I'm so upset...trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I'm so upset...trigs
1
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:35pm

Okay, so last night, I talk to my mom finally...and I try to explain to her why I am not coming to her house for the weekend EVERY weekend anymore. Its been 4 weekends, and I told her not this weekend either. Maybe next. I don't do a very good job, admittedly. I tell her that I've been going through some things that I need to handle. I tell her that I have been neglecting my own family, that my own kid is growing up and I need to be there...I tell her I need to be home! I tell her I haven't been calling her much either because I don't feel like talking...so then she gets angry at first, then starts crying and guilt trips me and I get angry and I don't remember what all I said, more of what I said above. That I need to take care of MYSELF AND MY OWN FAMILY. I tell her to call my brother and get him to do it (this I did say in anger, as I know this will never happen). My mom also said to me, well, we know you got pissed that we came over to your house on Easter. I didn't. I was just in the midst of all this going on with Eric and I was still so confused. They invited themselves. They all just came. I didn't mind at all, but I wasn't very sociable. I didn't get pissed. They are my family.

Then I call her just now, to chat, while I have time at work...making more of an effort.

She tells me that my Dad got angry and upset with me, because of the things I said. And said that FINE, HE JUST DIDN'T NEED ME AT ALL.

Now, this hurts me very much. I knew last night he must be mad, because when she called me at 9, she said your dad wants to talk to you, then i heard him say in the background that he was too busy.

Why can't life just be easy for me for once? I'm trying so hard, and FROM EVERY SINGLE DIRECTION my life is falling apart. I have fallen over backwards for THEM, for my DH (but he says it was HIM doing it for me).

I swear...if it weren't for Mike (my ds) I would get my check on Friday and totally run away to somewhere (probably one of you, lol) and never surface here again.

But no, I always always always fight my own battles. I pick myself up and fight them. I never take the easy road, and it never ends.

I'm not depressed, but I'm so freaking triggered and nobody will leave me alone. My Dad has no right to be mad and upset with me. None. But in his eyes, he does. I can't take it. I just hung up on my Mom when she said that. I couldn't talk anymore. Period. Then of course, I cried. I hate that I cry...why do I have to cry? Ugh.

I'm so tired of trying to DO THIS. Why does it have to be so hard...? I freaking FOUGHT BP and I won, I did...I'm stable...I am going through this, and my moods are relatively stable, considering!!! I thought after all that, that life would be better.

Guess if I were fighting BP AND doing all this too, I would be dead. Thanks for small favors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:41pm

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