New to Bipolar 12 yrs after diagnosis!

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Registered: 03-08-2006
New to Bipolar 12 yrs after diagnosis!
1
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 2:27pm

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder in late 1994 (since then have been "upgraded" to Bipolar I). The funny thing is, I never "got it", until about 2 months ago.

We moved a lot due to my now ex being in the Navy, and eventually I stopped seeing a Psychiatrist when a new primary doc said, "Oh, you've been stable? I'll just handle your meds." That began 10 years of having my meds handled by primary care phcysician, who went months or years without checking my Depakote levels and simply asked, "Is everything okay?" as they wrote the same prescription out, saying "Come back in 6 months." I used this to convince myself that Bipolar Disorder was no big deal. After all, they didn't think it was a big deal, right? And they said I was stable. Sure, I had an affair on my ex-husband (who had done it tenfold, but that doesn't excuse ME), spent thousands of dollars impulsively, got us deep in credit card debt (long since paid off), had an online affair, left my husband, went through jobs like Kleenex, went through men the same way, bought a house and a too-expensive car on my own, filed bankruptcy, had the car repossessed, the house foreclosed, then had to move into a dump of an apartment, barely functioned at work then crashed the rest of the time - but, hell, I was STABLE!

Anyway, I met a wonderful guy who I am now married to and we moved back to Maine, where I am from. My new primary doctor said, "I would be more comfortable referring you to a psychiatrist to treat your Bipolar Disorder." My initial reaction was shock, then I was scared. Well, I'd show them I was fine.

In the meantime, I'd run out of meds due to the move, so I hadn't been on them, and I got pregnant, then miscarried at 9 weeks. Bipolar, unmedicated, pregnant, then miscarriage - you can just guess what sort of shape I was in by the time I saw the psychiatrist. I broke down, and told him everything. So much for convincing him how "fine" I was!

I was put immediately back on my meds and now am under his care and that of a therapist. It's like I was just diagnosed. No one ever told me the side effects or why and how to take the meds before. I struggled with a huge weight gain for years after I began one med, only now to find out it was likely the meds (gee, guys, thanks for telling me). Also didn't know that the same meds can cause me to feel like crap in the morning. I just blamed it on me being lazy. I have balmed so many things on my character when it was the Bipolar Disorder rearing it's head.

I never got fired from a job, but there were times I was convinced I was close to it, and found other jobs, moving job to job. Right now, I can't work. My moods are too unstable. Some days, I actually feel normal. But when I get stressed out, I get manic and irritable and lash out at whoever. Or, I can go days where 15 hours of sleep is not enough, I don't want to be around people, and I physically feel that I just got run over by a truck. My therapist thinks I shouldn't work, and I'm not, but finances are tight. I filed for SSDI - has anyone had experience with this? I can't see myself doing it forever, but in the meantime, we do need to eat and pay some bills. My DH is a Correctional Officer, but contrary to popular belief, they really don't make much money!

We will be trying to have a baby in another month or so, but before that I will we weaned off the meds and we are going to try me for the first 3 months with no meds, which should be interesting. Then, after that they are going to try me on ones that are safer to take during pregnancy. My husband has no children of his own (I have two boys, 10 and 13) and we are all dying for a baby! (believe it or not, kids do not stress me out - they actually have the opposite effect)

Anyway, I am new to this board and so glad I found it, and I wanted to know what other people have been through, particularly about the SSDI.

Thanks!

Stephanie

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 4:25pm

Stephanie...I like your s/n btw.


I know how it feels to be so-called stable but still finding that you're engaging in manic behaviours. For me it wasn't years after the dx that I started to get it, but it was when I got the dx that all the previous years started to make sense.


I'm glad to see you are seeing a pdoc/tdoc.


I'm all out of wonderfully inspiring things to say, sorry. I just hope you do well with the new docs and adjusting to the reality of the disorder.


Hugs,

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