i can't do this
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 04-28-2006 - 8:28am |
i am so lost...i am down to the wire here...i can barely pretend that i am okay...i emailed my boss and told him i had three more therapy sessions through EAP at work, that i was going through somethng personal at home that i could not yet speak about without getting upset...i left at 2 yesterday because i left the door locked and forgot eric wouldn't be there and my kid would be locked out...well, i got there and eric was there, getting more stuff...he was 'across the street', giving them one of the many extra tvs we have...or whatever. I came in, and went to bed. Cried...til time for my therapy appt. He got some more stuff, gave me some gas money, thankfully, cuz if not, i couldn't have gone to therapy...i hate so much that i cry around him, but its all i do ANYWHERE...in my car, at home in bed, at work...so he left, kissed me on my cheek, and i could have stabbed him, and he said, i'll be back later on this evening, he didn't, thank god. so i went to therapy, just talked about it...she said, if it walks and talks like a duck, it IS a duck...that he is making this about me, but its not...it still hurts so much i can barely function. i finally ate a little bit of dinner last night but it made me sick, so i gave most of it to the dog...the dog is even sad. i hate him. i know he will be around this weekend...and i need to get out of town, or out of my house at least, but i'm really broke, cuz i have have to pay double rent cuz i was behind...
i really don't need to be at work today. i've been crying for an hour..but i can't stop. my body hurts so bad...i'm so tired...i went to bed at 7...nothing else to do...then it hits me how much i was getting from him until he changed into a demon...i hate him. i don't know how to do this..i know i just HAVE to. but its hell and its not fair, and i'm angry and then more angry at myself for being so weak...i have so much to be doing right now, like calling in my meds...paying bills...trying to make some plans for the weekend...but all i can do is sit here paralyzed like a big stupid dummy.
i know i've lost weight...all my clothes are falling off me...i got on the scale with full clothes and shoes and it was a lower number than i've seen in a while...i just cannot eat or even really drink...i just sip water, or maybe soda...my hands shake...i'm trying to put on a brave face, but not even coming close.
this sucks.
my parents are going to call me today and i need to talk to them...but i can't do it at work without crying...ugh.
i will have my cell this weekend, for those of you have my number, weekends and after 9 are free, so PLEASE call me.
i just am so lost and this bites you know what.

(((((((((((((((((((((((keli))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you're right when you say it's not fair. but the fact that you are at work shows your strength whether you realize it or not. even if you are crying while you are there. hey, you ARE entitled! your h left you for god's sake! that would upset anybody with or without bipolar. i'm glad you went to therapy last night. i hope you can continue - maybe this tdoc can refer you to someone once your eap visits run out.
as for calling you, can you email me your number so i can make sure i have the right one? i've got a couple programmed into my phone and i'm not sure which is the right number. i do want to call you though as i want to help you out in any way i can. i love u my friend.
love & hugs,
traci
I can give you a call, but need the phone number.
you have mine....use
God could not be everywhere, so
You said you have 3 more sessions through EAP at work, so please look for a tdoc that you can see after that. You need a tdocs support. We are always here to support you but a tdoc is trained to help you.
You cryng is normal, considering your whole life is changing and you didn't sign up for this, your right it isn't fair at all. I am glad to here that your ds is helping you. He is a reason for you to get through this. It will be hard. It will be heart renching and you will be lost and depressed, but each day will get easier...or at least more tolorable.
I know what you mean about how Eric gave you things you needed and emotionally was there for you in some ways that you have felt you lost now. That is what goes through my mind with Billy at times. Sometimes I want to leave so bad and then other times I think about what we do have and what it means to me. You are stronger then me and you are still going to work...that is a hard thing to do but you are doing it. I am proud of you. You are a survivor, always remember that. Look at all you have been through in the past and you struggled through but you made it. You can and will do it agian.
You are not a stupid dummy because you are having a hard time functioning right now. This is another thing that is normal with what is happening to you.
Keli, I know you know you have to eat, but if you can, drink some milk and snack on peanut butter. I know that will be hard. If you can, get some ensure from the store, it is full of vitamins and minerals your body needs. I worry about you with this because I am afraid you will pass out and end up in the hospital
~ Tina ~
Absolutely everything you are feeling is totally NORMAL. Bipolar or not what you describe sounds like EXACTLY what I went through when my marraige broke up and I was the one who initiated it. That may not make you feel any better but just KNOW that these feelings are just terribly NORMAL. A marraige ending is the DEATH of that relationship. Maybe even a bit harder because if he had died you wouldn't have to see him or deal with him and you'd have a different kind of support system from people.
If you have health insurance see if it will cover the tdoc after EAP is over or even ask the tdoc if there is some way6 for county mental health to reimburse you. Because your financial picture is changed you might qualify for some services you didn't before.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are in my prayers. I just want you to know that the greif you are feeling is a process. A really, really sucky process but you won't feel like this forever.
((((HUGS))))
You are stonger that you know. You must be growing through a turning period, a new
turning period for you. Please find you own personal therapist. And meditate, sit still
aand listen to your breathing and just let your thoughts wonder or cry but then after a short while, pull them back with a beautiful thought or goal. Do this as often as you want to. Take some walks, I dunno but keep trying, ok! Don't let go from life at all. I will pray for you and pray some more. Sunny