pdoc appt and update, some trigs poss
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| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 7:59am |
saw pdoc yesterday afternoon after another bad weekend...and bad day...and i guess bad rest of my life sums it up pretty well...anyway, she did increase my wellbutrin, because i am crying 24/7 and i cannot stop. i cry at home, at work, in my car, at the store, whenever, whereever. she asked if i was having suicidal thoughts and i told her i wanted the pain to stop, but i didn't want to die...maybe a bit of a white lie, but oh well. she knows me well anyway. she said this is probably all situational depression, and not an episode of bipolar kicking in , and i do agree with that...i am still stable. thank god for small favors...(big favors).
my h is hanging out, having this fun life without my burdening him...and that is proof that its my fault, partly...i have to accept that...but i can't accept the fact that he's even gone...i sent him a text yesterday, telling him how he has no idea how much i am hurting...etc., and he never even responded...that is the first time EVER he has not even responded...i don't know how to handle all this...i don't know how to process it...i don't know how to do anything with any of it right now...and i don't know if i ever will.
pdoc says i have to continue therapy...i only have 3 more visits with this one, and i can't afford another one through my insurance...my mom did say she would help, but i don't know...i might need them to help me with other stuff...
i'm very overwhelmed with pain and tears and stress right now...its very hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through...I didn't know I could feel such pain. Even after everything I've gone through...this is worse. He did stay away last night...and I'm glad of that...I was able to just go to bed early. Pdoc says I have to get as much rest as possible until I'm through the worst of it.
I still can't eat much...but I eat when I can...even if only a few bites here and there...I've lost about 15 pounds...all my clothes are so loose, and I have no money for new ones...I'm going to my mom this weekend. My ds doesn't want to go and I don't want Eric there...so he is going to spend the night with a friend...or just go for a day.
I feel so sick...I have started drinking soda again, just because I feel so sick all the time...
Anyway...that's me...sucks to be me right now...
I'm PMSing bad too...so a lot of the tears could be from that...or a mixture of all of it.
I am reading your posts, just can't really answer them.

I'm glad you went to pdoc yesterday.
Just know we love you, we are here for you....and its ok you are not posting as much...its to be expected.
call me if you need me
God could not be everywhere, so
Oh, sweetie, I know you are feeling alot of panic and anxiety right now. I am really hoping you will see if you can find a tdoc that you can afford. Do some looking. Your life is all upside down now and you desperately need a tdoc. Please stop blaming yourself. You didn't ask for this illness and when you got married I am sure the vow, for better or for worse, wasn't just for you. It was for him too and he is walking out when things get bad. That is the easy way. He isn't calling you back because he is guilty and doesn't have a good arguement for his actions and he doesn't want to hear how bad he is making
~ Tina ~
(((((((Keli))))))) I hear what you're saying about not being able to afford the therapy, but if your mom has offered, take her up on it at least for the time being. You need this right now! Please don't think of yourself as being a burden to your H. You needed him and he was there for you. He's the one that took it one step further and consequently felt burdened.
I also understand about the appetite. With what you are going through, being able to eat even a little bit is an excellent achievement. I lost so much weight when I went through my separation/divorce I was darn near invisible. I doubt I weighed 80 lbs soaking wet. But, I wasn't eating anything at all. You at least are eating some. Keep it up.
I'm glad that pdoc increased your wellbutrin. It sounds like it will help you out a bit. But at the same time, don't hold your emotions in either. Yeah, you don't want to be crying 24/7 but it is healthy to get it out too.
And, as Donna pointed out, we are all here for you. So post/vent as often as you need and we will support you the best we can.
Love U,
Traci
(((((Hugs))))) Keli - It will get better, it has to because this just plain sucks. Trust me, I am right there with you. Take each day one day at a time and we will both get through this. Email me any time at mmflanders@comcast.net if you want to chat.
Missy