have i said this before?

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
have i said this before?
1
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:05pm
why why why do i manage a session at my pdocs....impressing him with my remarkable stability & then fall to peices AFTER??????????????????????????????????????????????
why can't i do it in his freaking office?or is that what my tdoc is for?
i admit that i'm entwined in a tight ball of stress...my h's obvious disapointment,my kid's talking back,money money money,the stupidity of my doing this play with the late nights & my failure to handle being within a crowd,my sudden inabilty to remember my own lines & my desperation to be part of something so much that it sets me apart.the total inability of being able to function after not taking my meds & getting to bed till 2 am...& laying awake all night cause it's so late.
waking up today was PHYSICALLY totally painful.
AND ALSO in the mix is the woman who i snatched the job from.she is hell bent on the most viscious revenge & here i am...knowing what i know.& all i can do is listen to her seethe & plot & i feel like garbage.
i asked my boss to please keep me off the website till i can talk to her.
pdoc wants me to start adderoll & altho the #1 side effect is weight loss i don't want to be on stage & begin to palpitate from amphetamines....or driving...he also is on a wellbutrin kick & i am so strongly against it b/c one seizure from the drug is enough thank you i don't give a rat's behind if it's been made new & improved.so he want's me to schedule an MRI which i can't imagine WHEN i can fit in my schedule...i haven't even been able to schedule follow up eye exams from my surgery in 2 months.
pdoc asks me if i go to the gym(as if going to the same gym i went to at 120 pounds wouldn't be an exercise in humiliation..& i also used to work there)i said i prefer to work out at home...i have everything i need & it doesn't turn social or become something that takes up my entire day.
he said...well...i think you should join a gym.
get this:i pay him every 2 weeks to a months MORE than a years membership at any gym.
there goes my budget....does he think i have a money tree in my backyard?i WANTED to say it but i smiled & said i'd rather not.
THEN i scream at my kids husband & behave like an opinionated wretch for the rest of the night b/ i suddenly hate everyone.
i hate me so much
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 6:10pm

(((((((Suzi))))))) first of all take a deep breath. Venting here is also helping you even if you don't realize it yet;)


It took me two years to get to a point where I could explode/breakdown/whatever in front of my tdoc and that's a relatively short time frame for me. I usually play things close to the vest because I'm tired of getting hurt, burned, taken advantage of, etc. And keeping my emotions in prevented (or so I thought) these things from happening. What it comes down to is your comfort level with your tdoc.