BP friend - therapy options?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
BP friend - therapy options?
8
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 6:39pm

Hi,

I have a friend dx with BPD now for 20 yrs (currently he is 37). I am really worried about him. When I first met him he had been fired from a job he had held for only 4 months, no apparent reason given. He was really depressed, but finally found another job 5 months later, through a friend (he wasn't motivated enough to find anything on his own) and things were really picking up. He was made permanent and seemed really happy.

Then a week ago he told me he quit b/c he was afraid he was going to get fired again. They had changed him from permanent to temporary again due to insubordination, and he basically just told them off and left b/c he panicked.

I'm so sad, b/c he was working late and really enjoying the job. He then told me that he was subletting out his apartment for extra cash and going to stay on his ex-girlfriend's sofa for the month, b/c he's so depressed he doesn't know what to do. I told him this sounded like a really bad idea, since she likes him only as a friend while he is still trying to get back together (7-yr very rocky relationship now over 2 yrs, but he's still very not over it b/c they have daily contact.)

I told him to see a therapist and he got a little mad, although when I explained to him that he should go b/c his problems are affecting his everyday life, he said he saw my point. Probably not the thing to do, tell someone to see a therapist, esp BPD since it's chemical, but I really worry for this guy. He takes his medication, doesn't do drugs and barely drinks, so he's doing most things right. But he can't get proper sleep and is often depressed for no apparent reason, which probably led to his behavior at work.

Is there anything else that can be done to help this person? He's really such a nice smart guy and it just kills me to hear that he was fired for insubordination...it's so hard for me to imagine him being mean to anyone. I'm noting that I pay huge taxes living in Manhattan and there must be free counselling for BPD but I haven't found anything online. Even though I said all this stuff to him he still wants to be friends so maybe I can do something to help once he gets over the initial shock of losing his job again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 3:56pm

Unfortunately...there is not one single thing you can do...you have done what you can already...you suggested things to him..now its up to him and him only.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:10pm

Thanks, I just read everything in that link. I'm normally very laid back so once I said my piece I don't feel it necessary to keep harping on him, so I have been doing as you suggest already, just letting him know I'm here as a friend, unconditionally.

Actually right now I'm REALLY laying back and letting him contact me if he wants to...haven't heard from him in a week...but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do either. I don't want to be a bother but I worry about him daily, maybe even hourly. He was suicidal last time he was out of work (or so he told me) but never felt motivated enough to actually carry anything out. I haven't told him that I'm worried about this.

It's truly a double-edged sword that he reached out to his ex...on the one hand, it's good he's going to someone for help, but on the other hand, it's a potentially volatile situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 8:23am
It's always good to let him know you are there....and that you care about him...
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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 9:28pm

So the inevitable happened, he found out his ex (who he was rooming with until recently) is dating someone new, and flew into a jealous rage. He has not gone to therapy, but instead is using me as a sounding board. I'm doing the best I can, and suggesting he visit message boards, etc, since he is out of work and perhaps can't afford therapy, but instead he phones me up and we go out and chat often till the wee hours of the morning.

It has no effect; he is rebounding all over the place, hinting that he wants to stay at my place, but I can't really offer that to him, so he is staying with a friend b/c he has been acting out (throwing chairs and bottles in his ex's presence to the extent that now she is afraid of him). He is online daily, seeking out a new relationship because he is so intensely lonely, although I have suggested he should direct his energies towards finding a job instead. I'm worried he will get involved and get himself hurt again, but he is an adult, and I guess there is nothing I can do. It certainly is painful to watch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 10:38pm

Hi JuJu


I'm sorry to hear that your friend is having such a hard time and that you in turn are having a hard time as well.


I understand your friend is unemployed, but it really sounds like he needs his meds adjusted and/or changed. I just don't have the magic answer to how to get that help for him though. Is there a public health clinic nearby? You could contact the Department of Social Services and see what they can do for your friend and then talk to your friend to see if he'd be willing to accept the help.


I wish I had more to offer, but know that we are here for you and will support you to the best of our ability. Hang in there sweetie.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 10:26am

About the meds...I know. I have been looking for an opening to mention this, but he never brings it up. I feel like I'm being judgmental if I owe his current situation strictly to brain chemistry, which is how he will interpet it, if I just bring it up out of the blue.

His explanation for his current situation is he had a very chaotic childhood and so he is used to chaos in his life. He says he would rather have complete chaos, even being in the midst of a jealous rage, rather than being alone. He has a very fatalistic attitude and is constantly telling me he has been this way for 20 yrs and will never change. Is this true?

A side issue is, although he has a ravenous appetite, he has lost quite a bit of weight since I first met him in December, which has also been bothering me. I mentioned this to him once and he got very defensive.

How would you approach the meds issue? He has been to his psychiatrist in January for an adjustment b/c he was feeling depressed, but he doesn't like him b/c the guy doesn't listen to him, apparently. The psychiatrist (Pdoc? New here and trying to figure out the lingo) also does not believe in counseling so he has not been to a counselor (Tdoc?) in a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 1:57pm

I understand about the reserved feelings in so far as approaching him about meds. Unfortunately I don't have the magical answer for that one. The only suggestion I have is that the next time he talks to you about his mood, and/or therapy maybe suggest that he look for a new pdoc (and yes, you were right) and go from there.


As for the appetite and weight loss, that could be a metabolism problem that should be checked out by a doc or he could have an eating disorder. Has he ever mentioned that he's concerned about the weight he's losing? If not, maybe you could bring it up somehow in a manner that he doesn't feel like he's being attacked.


I'm sorry I don't have much to offer you. There's no easy answers to these questions. Each bipolar is different even though we share many similar traits. So hang in there and keep posting. We're here for

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 12:21am

Thanks so much for the advice!

I just got back from hanging out with him and his friend from high school who it turns out is also bipolar. So it ended up he started talking about meds and I asked him some questions. His Pdoc apparently lets him dose himself to some extent b/c after so many years of being bipolar I guess he can determine his own dosages better? Is this true? His friend seemed to back this up.

The fact that he is out of work is a problem, obviously. He told me he used to go to his Pdoc weekly, but lately (when he was working) he goes every two weeks. Now that he's out of work he doesn't go at all. I asked about public assistance programs and he says they basically don't exist, and I suggested maybe a university and he seemed somewhat interested in that for dental care (because that's where I go), but he wouldn't trust it for psych issues, since his current Pdoc has known him for years...etc.

But often enough he argues me down and maybe a few days later I hear my own words coming back at me because he's decided to do something I've suggested...so who knows. You're right it's better to talk this stuff than to worry about his reaction. It was nice that it naturally came up in conversation today though...I would hate to bring it up say if he were just in a bad mood, b/c that seems judgmental...we all have our bad moods, after all...

It's not very often a guy has an eating disorder, and I think I would be able to tell since I am a dietitian and I eat out with him frequently enough. I think it's safe to say that he is def not bulimic. I read that some of the meds can wreak havoc with thyroid values, though. In any case, he really needs a doctor's opinion on that, so I don't really know what to say to him while he's out of work.