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| Mon, 05-08-2006 - 8:32am |
i'm a mess...still,, again, whatever. my days are just jokes...my nights are nightmares...weekends are horrid mixtures of both...i had to force myself to go to my mom's this weekend...after making 5 million arrangements for my ds, and then took my dog with me...then i came home yesterday...while i was there, xh texted me..."love always" etc. he never denies that he loves me...he just can't live with me...he was apparently very stressed out living with me...i didn't know i was so hard to live with and he shouldn't have lied to me, not telling me. making me think everything was okay (until the end, then i knew it was bad). So anyway, i get home, and about 2 hours later, THE GIRL's dh comes to my house...asks to talk to me...tells me this whole song and dance story about how she told him she'd been having an affair with my h for a while now...blah blah blah and "he just wanted me to know". WTF. So, I was like okay...he was totally wasted and I was really pissed that he even came there like that...so ds heard it, and was on my case about how I could be crying over Eric and i bettr not ever give him anothr change, etc. I was really stressed out. So I called Eric. Told him what happened. He called them, to find out wtf was going on...so he calls me back around 11, and says he talked to both her and him, and that SHE is sorry that her and her dh's marital problems caused upset and stress to me. I didn't even say a word...I didn't question it, I didn't say anything in response to it. Eric was obviously upset about it, but I didn't say anything to him either. He says he is going to come talk to Mike (ds) about it today, and Mike doesn't want to talk to him...he says he doesn't care one way or another and doesn't like him and wants him to leave him alone. All I can say is for him to tell him that.
I am really very depressed. My increase in my anti depressant isn't working (yet) and I am VERY depressed. I'm having really bad thoughts and I don't know what to do. I will NOT go i/p, so don't even think about suggesting that.
I ate all weekend, pigged out, so now I have to punish myself for eating...I need to punish myself for much more than that...I messed everything up...My life has falled apart, and there just isn't any putting it back together. I am at work, but I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't do anything but cry and be agitated, and depressed. If I'm at home, I can just take pills and sleep. I have tdoc today instead of Thursday, but its at noon, and its so intensive sometimes that I don't know if i can make it back to work after.
Its so sad...Eric tries really hard to be there for me, he does, but he really does have a better life without me in it. I don't blame him, I really don't. I blame me. I'm the one who is freaking crazy...I'm the one who is so dang needy of attention...now I ran him off, and I'm alone.
What does that say about me? The only person that is keeping me alive is my son...and sometimes even that is hard. I don't have anyone else.
I'm tired of crying 24/7...I'm tired of trying...everyone says i have to get out there and find a new life...ha. This is a college town...there isn't much to do here when you are 35 years old...depressed, no energy, and jaded. I just hide in the dark in my house...and cry and fight my demons.

Morning, you know there are alot of things in your port that I can relate to. The demons, the wanting to sleep, the bad thoughts, the I/P, wanting to punish oneself. I am glad you shared. Please don't hold this stuff in. Does your employer know or understand your situation? Maybe you won't have to go back to work. Just please don't hurt yourself. You know 1 thing I would like to say is at least your dh wants to talk to your ds. I bet
Time for some tough love here.....
(((((((((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))))))))) Girl, you do NOT need to punish yourself and you are NOT freakin crazy. You know this. Yes, you are depressed right now and with good reason to be. When my ex left me I was depressed for a good while. I had a plan and everything. But, instead of acting on that plan, I sought therapy. And, yes, it got intense, but it also got me through. So stick with the therapy. It does help.
As for ds not wanting to see Eric, I don't really have any sage words of wisdom. My oldest dd is still battling demons where my ex is concerned. He is old enough, however, that he can formulate an opinion. Maybe he'll listen to what Eric has to say and decide from there or maybe he'll tune him out. Either way, the only control you have over that is just to be there for him when he needs you.
And don't go feeling sorry for Eric. Ok, so he sacrificed things during your marriage. Marriages consist of sacrifices and compromises. Period. If he gave up something he really didn't want to give up, then that's on him....Not you sweetie. Yes, untreated bipolar is high maintenance. But he signed on for that when he said I Do. It's something along the lines of "...In sickness and in health..." You did not screw anything up. He is using your illness as an excuse. My ex did the same thing. It wasn't the illness - it was the fact that he wanted to sleep around and couldn't tell me the truth.
We love you here and want you to stick with your treatment and get better again. Don't expect it to be over night or even a matter of a week or two. This is a major event and it takes time. I'm here for you, as are many others. Just keep fighting. K?
Love U,
Traci
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!notatallnotatallnotatallnotatallnotatall.
if you want to know who's a sick sick sick wackadoo it's the peice of flotsam next door & her husband isn't far behind.
AND YOUR HUSBAND isn't behaving by texting you like that.
this is so so so so so unfair & the way you are behaving & feeling is soooooooooooooo
completely NORMAL(proving that there is nothing wrong with YOU)
i love your son.i wish i could kiss his face.
it's the young who see the world most clearly..remember that.\
i adore you keli.
ok...here's my 2 cents for what its worth....
you are in pain, your meds are not working to the full potential...yet, your dh is really messing with your head, you are not crazy, but seriously here.......if you can not even do basic things, if you can not function on a daily basis, i/p might be what you need.
God could not be everywhere, so
Keli, STOP right now with blaming yourself. It is easy for us to blame ourselves for things even when someone isn't blaming us as well, but with your h throwing the blame your way is rotten, down right cruel. If he cares so much about your feelings and your BP he would stop playing with your emotions and that is what he is doing. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a hard time and you have every right to be depressed. This will not be easy to get through, but YOU can do it. You are strong and you
~ Tina ~