New; need to talk; LONG

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
New; need to talk; LONG
7
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:10pm
Hi,
I have been lurking here for a little while...I don't know if I belong, but I just feel like I need someone to talk to.
Here's my mini life story: physically, sexually, emotionally abused by my adoptive father- who is bp; biological mother is bp, biological grandmother was schizophrenic; sexually abused by a priest when I was a teenager; major depression as a teen (undiagnosed)- started cutting during that time; started counselling in college and sent to a psychiatrist- put on prozac and was very manic; started drinking like a fool; had undiagnosed post-partum depression after my first child was born; started therapy a year ago do deal with priest abuse; therapist a few months ago said I show signs of bp (I was rather "high" before I started therapy and she has seen me get pretty hyper within the last year); she will not dx bp because there is a sticking point- I also have "mild" systemic lupus and she is not sure if my mood swings are due to central nervous system involvement of the lupus or comorbid bp. I have a history of mood swings but who knows how long I've had the lupus. I was just dx with the lupus about 11 months ago; I lost my MIL in Nov. (she was more of a mother to me than my own). I am really struggling right now. I asked my pcp for paxil...couldn't take it...I felt HORRIBLE on it; started on bupropion (wellbutrin) last week...seems to not be causing too many side effects but not helping yet either (I don't expect it to). I am very sad right now- missing my MIL terribly, but having crying spells while frantically cleaning my house. I am depressed, yet having major restlessness, not sleeping and my mind is going a mile a minute- but not the "happy" high I have felt before- it's all negative talk, thinking of cutting again, etc.
Sorry, this is WAY too long. I don't really have a question or even a purpose other than to try to talk to some people who may understand the feelings I am having right now. I have a hard time expressing my feelings at times or finding words to describe feelings (except anger and irritability- those come very easily). My insurance is going to run out in Sept. I would love to go once a week like I had been but I can't afford it. I feel like we are not getting anywhere now that I am only going every other week. I just want to feel good- to be as close to normal as possible. I am tired of feeling like this. People don't understand what it is like to be on such a rollercoaster; they don't understand what it is like to want to cut yourself just to know you are alive and have feelings.
Ok, I'm going to stop now. Sorry for the length.
Peg
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:58pm

Hi Peg and welcome to the bipolar support group. While I'm no doctor, from my experience what you are describing sounds like a mixed episode. You said your therapist won't diagnose you because of the lupus. Do you currently have a psychiatrist (pdoc)? Pdocs are usually the ones who make the diagnoses and they could probably discern between the lupus and/or bipolar. Your family history certainly makes it plausible for you to be bipolar but again, I'm not a doctor.


I'm sorry to hear of your recent loss of your MIL. I lost my father 2 1/2 years ago so I do understand what you are going through. Give the wellbutrin time. It's a good antidepressant. It won't make your grief go away, but it will help ease the symptoms of depression. And keep posting here. We're a great group of caring women and are here for you.


I hope this helps you a little. I'm glad you found us. I look forward to getting to know you better.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 7:55am

Hello. I just wanted you to know that I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through! I wish I didn't...but I do. I'm struggling bad right now myself, but ya know what? We're both going to be fine. I promise. I'm glad you're here, the girls here are my ONLY support sytsem and my best friends. Join in with us!

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 8:18am
Welcome to the board. Everyone here is great. I also understand how you feel. Don't be sorry for posting a long post. You needed it. Keep posting.
 
 
 
 

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 11:21am

Hello and Welcome !!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 3:51pm

I am so sorry for all you have been through (((((gental hugs))))). Going through physical,

     ~ Tina ~

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:07pm
Hi,
Thank you, everyone, for the warm welcome and kind words. I will try to answer some of your questions (the ones I remember- sorry if I forget some- I have "brain fog" right now and can't think straight).
I do not have a pdoc only a tdoc (I'm assuming that means PhD psychologist/therapist). We have discussed going to a psychiatrist but we only talk in passing. I almost got a list out of her (recommended pdocs) last week but I had a little bit of a breakdown when we were talking about it and so she never gave me the list- afraid it would send me over the edge or something I guess.
I am working on the sexual abuse stuff...that is the reason for the tdoc- everything else is just a bonus with her ;-). We just haven't been dealing with the abuse stuff lately because I have so much other stuff going on right now...I failed to mention in my original post that I have lost 20lbs since Sept. (sounds great but I'm now a size 4-6 and I am 5'10" tall...I didn't have much to lose), I also have a son who is autistic, adhd and most likely has a mood disorder, and I have a daughter who had many health problems (thankfully she is much better now). My biggest trigger right now is my son's school. We are having serious problems (he was almost suspended a month ago...he's 2nd grade) with getting him the right services and getting him re-evaluated. I am having trouble keeping my cool and not saying things that are going to ruin any relationship I have with the school.
Ok, I don't know if any other questions were asked. Sorry if I missed one...write it again and I will reply right under it.
Thanks again for the nice welcome. After "lurking" for a while I felt pretty "safe" to post. I just need somewhere to turn where people might just understand what is going on in my head- which right now is still fired up from a conversation about ds school- I am doing my best to not SI right now and I am tempted to drink but the warning on the meds say that can induce seizures...don't think I want to go there...
Peg
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 11:08pm

Hi Peg,


A pdoc is a psychiatrist. I think you should ask your therapist (tdoc) for the list of pdocs. As Tina said, the sooner you get in to see one the sooner you can find the right medication(s) that will get you feeling better.


You have a lot on your plate right now between dealing with your personal traumas and making sure your children are taken care of as well. That's a lot for anybody, add bipolar into the mix and it is that much more difficult to maintain. From what I have read you are doing a