The end of my freaking rainbow BIG TRIGS
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| Thu, 05-11-2006 - 8:23am |
yes...i am being dramatic...i am depressed, and angry, and i hate life, MY LIFE, myself, everything about it...i hate eric, i hate the weather, i hate the fact that i cannot be alone for more than 3 weeks without returning to old behaviors...i hate the fact that i have to explain WHO i am, and WHAT i am because if i don't i seem crazy...heck, i FEEL crazy...omg, i mean, i go from being manicky happy one minute, to crying my eyes out the next minute...i ALWAYS cry hysterically when i see and/or talk to eric...THAT is crazy...he is just another man...why am i still taking this so hard? it was harder BEFORE, i know it was!!! now i am all alone, doing what i want, when i want, and i don't like that either...
now, i've gone and hooked up with an old boyfriend, and i totally adore him, but its not what i want either...not yet anyway...i pull him in, to push him back out...now THAT is crazy...i shouldn't be posting this here...all this is borderline stuff...but its quiet over there, and you guys are my friends, and i just need to get it all out...
part of that is BP too...i've also gone and pretty much doubled my wellbutrin (pdoc said i could almost double it, but not quite)...but i've stopped all other meds but ativan and topamax...no lithium, no trileptal...i'm just so SICK of being depressed, i'm trying to get a bit manic...i can't take it anymore...
eric calls to "check" on me in the mornings, and i hate him so much for all this i could kill him...not literally...but you know what i mean...if he cared so much about how i freaking AM, then he would BE THERE to see...he knew what this would do to me...its so hard to raise a teenage BOY by yourself...don't get me wrong, Mike is helping me as much as he can, but for crying out loud, he has his own life...i hate eric...and i wish i could tell him, but me, being the big old baby i am, all i can do is sit there QUIET, PARALYZED while he is there, and cry...he did tell me to call him after 9 last night, and i didn't.
i didn't sleep last night...i see all the BP crap coming back...i see it...but am powerless to do anything about it...i crawl deeper and deeper into my hole and pretend to the world that i am okay, but i am so NOT okay. i want to die every single day...but i can't tell anyone that...oh no, if i do, back to the freaking psych ward i go, and i will SO run away before i ever go back there...
i have to take responsibility for MY part in the demise of my marriage, because no matter what has happened it takes two...and for me to do that, i have to look inside myself and admit many things...and that will kill me. so i move along during the day...doing as little work as i can get away with...trying to find a distraction...found it...every day after work...monday through friday...and then next week, i've been asked out...to dinner, or wherever i want to go...or whatever i want to do...but i STILL go home to that dark hole...
and the sad crappy part of all of this, is that i still love my husband...the loser that he is...he saved my life, so many times...and now i don't know how to save my own.

i remember when my husband considered leaving WHEN i was feeling at or near my worst.
i begged him to stay b/c i COULD NOT IMAGINE FUNCTIONING DAY TO DAY BY MYSELF..& i had no one else.
do you WANT to ask him to come back?or is the rejection & the total & complete change that's thrown you?
it would be "crazy" if you weren't feeling as much as you are feeling.
please stop blaming yourself.you don't deserve it..at all.
this is going to take time....do you honestly expect to just wake up and say, screw him i'm done and moving on?
God could not be everywhere, so
Keli- You are NOT crazy. You are grieving and grieving is a process. Would you tell me a week , two, or three after my mom died to just "get over it"??????? NO, so don't tell that to yourself. You are grieving and people don't just get over it the next day. This will hurt for some time but not forever, but like Donna said you have to take it one day at a time, even one minute at a time.
I know Eric probably thinks he is helping you by calling you, but it isn't helping. I know in one way you want to talk to him soooo bad because you miss him, but it is holding you back from moving on. He is keeping you in a bad place. If you feel you can, which would be good for you, tell Eric to hold off on calling you for a little while because
~ Tina ~
((((((((Keli))))))))) I wish I had some magical words that would make you feel better right now, but this is real life and I don't. But I can say that it DOES get better. You just have to hang in there and fight for it. Eric is obviously upsetting you by calling you every morning. Have you asked him to stop calling? That would be the first step. The second step is to get him to give you support money for Mike.
As for the old boyfriend, I don't have any advice there. I wish I did but just take it one day at a time.
I know you think you're crazy but you are most definitely not. Your world has been turned upside down with Eric leaving you. That would affect even a non-bp person badly. We're here for you. Keep on venting.
Love You,
Traci