Why are weekends so hard?
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Why are weekends so hard?
| Sat, 05-13-2006 - 10:24pm |
I know that probably sounds stupid to ask, but I wonder sometimes how I can hold it together so well at work and generally any time I am in public, yet I totally fall apart sporatically on the weekends. Last weekend, out of the blue, I started crying, stopped and an hour or so later started sobbing. My dh found me in dd's room cleaning and crying and says "what's wrong" to which I reply "I'm just having a moment" to which he replies "oh, I didn't know how many moments you were going to have today"...um, like I wake up in the morning and say "gee, I think I will cry 3 times today" and sign a contract. We went out for a Mother's Day dinner last night, to a place we usually went with my MIL and it took every ounce of my strength not to cry there. I started crying on the way home and dh couldn't even look at my (because he would have started to cry too). Tonight I started crying again on the way out to dinner. I went out to do some shopping afterwards, alone, and on the way home I totally broke down while driving (I don't recommend this). I was to the point of almost hyperventilating, I guess, I was sobbing and trying to catch my breath, I got a "tingling" feeling throughout my body and felt like I was going to pass out. At one point I didn't even really know where I was. I was on a street that I could not pull over on so I just drove very slowly. I talked myself out of my situation, turned up the radio and started to sing to "ground" myself...it happend again, only this time I am trying to sing and sob at the same time! Ugh...tomorrow is going to stink- first mother's day without MIL. I am sure that is what is triggering most of this, but yet last night I was up til 11:30 cleaning (usually go to bed at 9) after doing an hour workout at the gym, working all day and running around with the kids. I am waiting for my new rx to come so I can increase my bupropion (only on 75mg once per day- increasing to twice per day). I almost hope that I can totally confirm the dx of bp by becoming hypo or manic on the antidepressant- I am feeling a lot more energetic than I was so maybe the meds are kicking in (only on them 2 weeks). Honestly, I am taking them to hopefully get that little bit of a "high" and be productive and happy. Prozac did that for me in college and it has been a few months since I have been "wound up" and I miss that time. I usually don't get too manic- my biggest spending spree was to purchase two new vehicles in the same day but dh was there to sign for them so I don't feel that really counts. I just get energetic, rammy, hyper, whatever you want to call it and get a lot of work done and don't need much sleep. I'm starting to feel that a little but at the same time crying on and off...I know I'm really there when the racing thoughts are in full blast (and they are positive or productive, as opposed to the frequent "negative" ie: cutting and drinking, that I am experiencing now).
Anyway, I'm rambling now and even annoying myself so I'll shut up now. I guess the point of all of this is to see if anyone else is able to keep it together at work/in public just to fall apart at home.
Peg, who misses her MIL terribly and is now crying again
Anyway, I'm rambling now and even annoying myself so I'll shut up now. I guess the point of all of this is to see if anyone else is able to keep it together at work/in public just to fall apart at home.
Peg, who misses her MIL terribly and is now crying again

Peg you are not the only one who has that happen to them. For several months I was able to hold it together by the skin of my teeth while on the job, but totally came unglued once I was off the clock to the point where hospitalization was a very real possibility. As to why it happens, the closest guess I can make is that while we are working our brains are focused on the task at hand - for me it's driving a school bus - and we're not allowing (for lack of a better term) the bipolar swings to take over. In essence, we have some sort of subconcious control over the swings. Mind you this is a very uneducated guess, but it's all I can come up with.
I know this will be a hard Mother's Day for you and your dh. Take it one hour or even one minute at a time. And remember we are here for you too. I'll be around most of tomorrow if you need to talk. Hang in there sweetie.
Hugs,
Traci
Peg,
I think there is a part of us that fights like all get out to keep it together at work and elsewhere, for fear of being labeled "crazy" or whatever.