New and need some support, please

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
New and need some support, please
8
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 12:58pm

Hello, I am new to this message board, but not new to condition.

I am a mother of two wonderful girls. I have a great husband. Things seem to be OK, that's why feeling down is even more annoying.

I had a first bad episode when I was 14, and it lasted 1.5 years. There were a lot of things going on in my life, so nobody was surprised that I was "acting out", and there was no treatment. After having my first DD, the second episode started. It was really bad, and I saw a dr. who diagnosed me with BP II. I was on meds for a couple of months, but went off successfully. Now, 3 years later, I am starting to get concerned that something is wrong again.

I haven't had clear hypomania in a while, but I do find myself getting furious at a drop of a hat. I know that was a big symptom 3 years ago, but this time I find that I am able to cool off. I have not had any energy for awhile, and I can't keep up with the house... I just can't even tolerate the thought of doing something. Then my DH complains about things not getting done, and it hurts even more. I know I am supposed to do this, and that I don't have anything stopping me, but somehow I just can't start on anything. I have been feeling down for a couple of weeks, and today is just sad... I feel disappointed and underappreciated. My 3 y.o. is constantly asking for something, and I just want to lock myself in a room and cry. I am a regular poster on a parenting board, and I can't even respond to much anymore - I can't find it in myself to be encouraging. After the diagnosis, I was sure that I would be able to recognize the signs and get help when this happened again, but I'm not sure I know what I am experiencing (as it's not as bad as it was during cycle #2), and I just don't want to talk about it to anyone who knows me. My DH is never concerned with anything, and if I mention to him that I am worried I am getting symptoms, he says, "well, go see a dr", with no reaction or concern in this voice at all... as if I just told him that I stubbed my toe. My mom thinks that it is all in my head, and there is nothing wrong with me, and I just need to eat more fruit and spend more time in the sun. I can't even say anything to my dad - he will worry, and won't be of any help. My IL's are already under an impression that BP makes you a lunatic, and I don't want to give them more reasons to treat me like one. My dh's company switched insurance, and my old dr. is not covered. Also, I would have to ask someone (most likely MIL) to watch the girls while I go, and I just don't think I can lie about where I am going.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I guess I just need to get it out, but there is nobody here that wants to hear it or that I want to tell it to. I just feel sad... And then after I recognize that I feel sad, I feel bad that I'm so not strong, and so unable to handle this. I feel that I'm making excuses and that I'm just feeling sorry for myself when I shouldn't. I feel like I just need to suck it up, but it's hard...

Thank you, if you were able to get through my rambling pity-party...

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:35pm

Hi and Welcome...I'm glad you found us and have somewhere to post and get it all out...that's what we are here for !!!


My ds is almost 3, so I can relate...they are up our butts right now, aren't they?


as far as dh just telling you to go to the doctor...that's all alot of men can do...they don't get it.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 6:46pm

D - Hi and welcome. As Donna told you, post here as often as you need/want to. That's what we are here for. Don't feel like you're imposing because you aren't.


And, as she also said, a lot of men just expect a trip to the doctor to fix everything. They aren't "wired" to understand anything more complex. And with your MIL, like Donna said, just tell her you have a check-up. You know what the check-up is for, but she doesn't need to know.


I have played around

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 12:33pm

Thank you, Donna and Traci, for support. Sorry I didn't come back until now - I can't seem to be on top of anything lately. More and more I think that I need to see someone. I am taking classes this quarter, and once we are done 2 weeks from now, I will try to find a doc that will see me quickly.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 1:03pm

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

You are not having a pity party, and this isn't just all in your head. You have a diagnosed illness that needs treatment. Have you taken stock in what your treatment options are on your new insurance? BP needs excellent treatment, both drugs and medications. Make sure you get to see a pdoc, ok?

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:56am

D,


I'm playing catch up on the board and wanted to say welcome.


Unfortunately, a lot of our family members react like yours--I've never told my mother about my dx 4 years ago because how I was sure she'd act.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 2:04pm
Hello! Boy, can I relate to the whole family thing. All they hear in their head is STIGMA when it's even casually mentioned - and usually in a joking fashion. And that's just my family. My dh is a fantastic but small town guy and really doesn't "get it" and his family - forget it. His mother is beyond prim, proper and rigid and shall never be told. He is honest with her half the time about anything fearing her judgement. Family can be hard so put yourself first, that's what I am trying to do!! And I Thank God for my best friend. Good Luck!!! Kelli





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Avatar for chilaili
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 5:18pm

Oh god, the frustration of your own family not getting it! Boy do I understand that. My parents are both medical people and they have NO clue! Initially my mother would "forget" and lay into me for being in a bad mood all the time and then she went completely the other way and started crying about how life for me had to be so unbearable without the meds and I'd have to comfort HER. Dad just buries his head in the sand like all good Males.

This board is definitely a good place to come and vent or talk or exchange ideas, experiences, advice. It may not be the same as having family immediately close by who get it and can be supportive, but we'll do our best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:24am

D~ I feel like I could have typed your whole post. That is exactly how I feel now, except my kids are 4 and 5. My mother thinks I need to exercise and drink more water. My father and most of his brothers and nephews are/were alcoholics. My father drank himself to death in approximately 10 years. Most all of the others have died from alcohol-related diseases too. Even with all of that history, my mom still doesn't get it, so I just stopped telling her. I finally broke down today and went to my family doc and she tweaked my meds and I plan on starting counseling maybe next week or the week after (got to check out the MH benefits first).

As you will find, this board is a great place to come. I've only been here a couple of days, but reading posts gave me the gentle push I needed to make an appt to try to change. BP is exhausting in itself, but with stress of classes too, just take some time out for you. I know that may be close to impossible with a 3 yo, but try to squeeze in something you like to do.

At least you are somewhat aware of the signs and recognize that something is going on. That's a step in the right direction. Take care and good luck with your class.

Amy