I'm sinking and I am scared.....

Avatar for missyflanders
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm sinking and I am scared.....
3
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 5:16pm

I am having a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning. When I do get out of bed it is just to lay on the couch. I am a mess and I hate. I am trying to hide it from everyone but it is not working so well. I hate doing it to the kids. I just cry a ton right now. I just don't know what to do. I hate my life. I feel so alone, even though I know that I am not. I have to go. I am crying again and my mom is on the phone so I have to suck it up and hide it again.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 5:35pm

((((((((((((((((Missy)))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I wish I could magically make the pain go away. Have you contacted your pdoc or your tdoc since all of this came about? While what you are going through is "situational" it could be triggering a chemical change that might require a med change. Please do yourself a favor and call your pdoc first thing tomorrow and explain what's going on and see what he/she thinks.


And sweetie, don't feel like you have to hide your emotions - especially from those who want to help. It's normal to hurt. It's part of a grieving process. Hang in there and make those calls tomorrow k? We're here for you.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 8:00am

Missy...sometimes, like right now...that is all you can do...cry, then suck it up, and do what you have to do...then come back to the couch and cry again...that's what I did yesterday from about 3:00 til bedtime (which is early now...but I can't sleep). I wake up every morning, nauseated...so depressed I can't stand it...knowing I have to go to work, and pretend I'm okay. But I do. And it helps for a while.

I know for me, that getting out of the house where there are only memories, both good and bad, moving out, I mean, is going to make a huge difference in moving on. But, i know the situations are different, because I only rent my duplex. I do have to give away my dog and I hate my xh for that more than anyone knows. But I will be okay.

I started writing this letter to him, that I will never ever give him...but I write down EVERY SINGLE THING I AM FEELING for him...there are a LOT of I HATE YOUs in there. I continue it from day to day. I only started it Saturday. I cry my eyes out sometimes, while writing, but I think its helping.

I'd gotten way off track with my meds too...not sure how you are doing with yours. I am trying very hard to make it a priority to take them. My Wellbutrin got increased when all this happened. Not sure if its doing much, but probably is helping some.

My tdoc said I have to go through all this pain and hell. I know this. I've done it before...but somehow before, I was manic as heck and it didn't hurt like this...this pain and this hurt are new...something I've never felt before, and it seems like in my case, that sometimes, some days, some NEW kind of hurt will just pop up...does that happen with you? It has gotten easier, I will admit that. In a very very tiny way...it has. I still cry many times every day...but I'm transitioning to the anger stage...(i cry when i'm angry too though). I am so freaking angry at what he has done to me. I want so much to tell him so many things...but inside himself, somewhere, he already knows.

You have to go through this, as hard as it is...and then you have to get up, and move on with your life. I don't know how they can do it SO EASILY!!! I hate them.

I'm sorry I am not more help. But I know exactly where you are...just know I'm here, and post to me any time and we can talk. I wish I had email.

I love you...we WILL be okay.

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 8:52am

I hope you are doing better today....I think Traci and Keli both have good points.

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