Please read-posts for many- very long

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Please read-posts for many- very long
2
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 9:16pm

Hi everyone,
I am still here- I went back and re-read my last post and realized I left out that I wasn't going to post anymore that day- it was my second post on Mother's Day, both of which were negative, and I didn't want to say anything more negative. Sorry if I mislead anyone. I really appreciate all the posts- it feels good to have people who you don't know seem to care so much. I can't even get my family to do that! I sincerely thank you all. I still feel down, and up, and down and...sometimes both at the same time...but I wanted to take a "good" moment to get this post in. It is LONG! If you don't have time, just look for your name and read that part :-).

Here are some responses:
*Traci- I agree that when you feel like you don't want to post that you need to- I get that way with therapy- I tell my tdoc that I know when I don't want to go I need to be there

*Jo- This was my first MD without MIL- she passed away in Nov. She was more of a mother to me than my own ever was or could be. She loved me unconditionally- exact opposite of my own mother. I miss her dearly- she was a wonderful person. I think of all of the good times- just like you said- that is how I try to get rid of the mental image of her in the hospital bed when I went to get her personal belongings (dh didn't go, I did). So, it was a hard mother's day (by the sounds of it, I wasn't the only one who struggled yesterday). I can imagine having your dh changing jobs would be uneasy. I hope you get an answer soon as to whether you are staying or going. I hope that it works out just the way you want it to!

*Donna- I know I'm not perfect, far from it. I see the tdoc tomorrow and I know we will have a talk about going to a pdoc. I am all over the chart right now- up and down at the same time and many times during the day. I'm feeling ok right now, thus why the super long post and fewer negative posts. I hope she has some suggestions. I am not looking forward to finding a pdoc- with my chronic illness I need someone who really knows what they are doing- and there are not many around. My insurance has a PPO list, but they cover the same for in-network and out-of-network. I don't have to worry about that- the only thing I need to worry about is I am limited to the number of visits- I can't even go every other week and make it through a year. Each time I would go to a pdoc means one more tdoc appointment taken away. I have really been struggling since we switched to every other week. When I went weekly, I didn't have as much time to push my issues aside (a coping skill I'm too good at). Now, most of my hour is spent dealing with issues that happen between visits- not dealing with all of my "baggage" and my behavior. Tdoc has been with me for over a year- and with me every week for the first year- she has seen my mood swings (although she has not seen me at my lowest or my highest). I am pretty sure a tdoc can dx you with BP, they just can't do the meds. I am just so confused by everything right now. I wish there was a test that says with 100% accuracy yes, you are bp or bpd or anything else- it's a field of opinion and you can drive yourself nuts thinking about it (and it's a very short drive for me- well, I think I could jump there at this point!). Congrats on your 2000 posts! Also, I am sure you are not a bad wife. Change is hard no matter what. If you are as supportive at home as you are here, you are an amazing wife and mother.

*Tina- Sorry to hear you are not feeling well and having such bad dreams. I hope you are feeling better soon. I couldn't even go to my MIL's grave. I visited in my mind (went through it to prepare myself) but I couldn't even handle the thought of it- you are stronger than I am. I can imagine going to the doctor to get referrals is annoying for you- I have to do it a lot (I have systemic lupus). It is so frustrating when you have a problem and they can't find what is causing it (translation- it's all in your head). I was glad to read that you are feeling a little better (saying you are not a negative). I hope you continue to feel better.

*Marie- welcome back. I hope to get to know you (and the others on this board)!

*Missy- I totally understand your feeling alone and trying to hide how you feel. I'm the kind of person who can feel totally alone in a crowd of thousands. I came to this board with hopes of finding some kind of connection to get rid of that alone feeling. It's hard to even describe some of my feelings let alone get someone to understand them. I hope that you are feeling better soon.

*Bonnie- I was glad to read that your DH went to the meeting and it seems to have an impact on him. I hope that his progress continues. It sounds like it was a positive experience.

*D- I know what you mean when you say that things seem ok yet you feel down- that is so frustrating. You know things could be worse yet you still have trouble shaking that feeling of being down- I've been there. Our history is pretty similar: I had my first major depressive episode as a young teen (around 12- I pretty much have verry little memories from childhood) but I also started cutting. Parents sent me to tdoc but didn't realize how bad things were- they sent me because my dad was having problems (he was later dx bp- they adopted me so no genetics; but biological mom is bp). I made it through teen years, trouble in college- depression, alocohol abuse, prozac high (I loved that stuff). Next problem was after ds was born (8 years ago)- wow, ppd but undiagnosed and untreated. I tend to show hypo/mania with a very short fuse- go from happy to screaming in a nanosecond. I wish I could share some of my energy with you so you could get some housework done- maybe I could come help;-) I am wound up mentally, fidgety physically, but it is very mixed with negativite thoughts. But, the house looks clean! I also have a 3yo so I understand that demand, too. We also share similar dh's...mine looks at me and says- wow, you are full of energy...or how many times are you going to cry today? He doesn't thing my tdoc is worth anything to me and feels she is doing nothing to help me (I disagree, I would be MUCH worse without her). I was sorry to hear that your doctor is not covered under the new insurance- changing doctors stinks especially when you have to start all over. I hope you are able to let some of your feelings out...we can't suck it up all the time!

Sorry if I missed anyone- this was a struggle for me to stay on task this long (well I was also emailing someone back and forth, along with watching tv and planning in my mind what else I want to do before I try to sleep).

THANK YOU again for all of your posts and support. I really want to stick around and make some friends. I really need to know someone understands me.

HUGS,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:55pm

Hi Peg,


I know how you are feeling

     ~ Tina ~

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 12:14pm

Tina,
Thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear that you lost you mother last year. By the way you describe her, she was a wonderful person and she was a great support to you. I wish my mother were that way but it will never happen.

I am looking forward to going to the tdoc today to see what she has to say. Who knows what we will discuss- I'm sure the last 2 weeks, pdoc names (I hope) and hopefully touch on some of the baggage we are supposed to be working on. Eventually I will get up the nerve to ask her if she has a sliding scale or reduced fee for "frequent visitors" ;-). I really think I need to go every week but the $105 per sesson would break me in no time.

Thanks again for your support. I will be sticking around so I can get to know everyone better!

Peg