Please help me. I don't know where to
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Please help me. I don't know where to
| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 12:48pm |
turn. I can't stop crying today. I feel sick. I have not slept in like a week. I was up at 4 this morning. I have not done a thing around the house since my mom and grandma left. I lay around as much as possible. I told my tdoc this and she seems to think this is OK, as I am still feeding and taking care of the kids. I feel so alone. I hate being at home. I hate myself. I feel like such a failure. Then to top it off, I cried in front of H this morning, so I hate myself even more. I am mad at my sister because she keeps siding with H about everthing, more tolerating then siding but it still makes me angry. If it was not for the kids, I would just want to die. I hate myself and my life right now. Why could I not make my marriage work. Why am I such a loser? Why can't I find a job? Why do I not have friends? Why am I even here?


(((((Missy))))),
Honey, you are NOT a loser--got that!
Been there, done it, said only a million or more times in the last month...and let me tell you what I did...I laid there...I cried...and YES, I cried in front of H too...and I hated myself for it too...I wanted to die, many many many times...and only stopped because of my kid...I wanted to end my life, and that is a very serious thing...but its how very bad the pain is inside...its how much our hearts are broken, how very badly our spirtits have been DAMAGED...i will NOT say broken, because honey, we haven't been broken. We've been very hurt, very damaged, but NEVER broken. Yes, we got a very raw deal...its not fair, and it sucks...but its what we were left with...how the hell do we pick up the pieces after that???? I had no clue...NONE! So, yeah, I did the same thing...I came home from work, and btw, I cried at work, all the time...I came home, laid on the couch, fed my kid (I lost 18 pounds...) and laid back on the couch...then went to bed...I didn't talk...I did nothing. I cried more...I was SO freaking angry at how HE COULD DO THIS TO ME!!! I needed to get it out of me...but I couldn't TALK to anyone...so I got a notebook...and a pen...and I let it out...on paper...I didn't care if it made sense, or if it were legible...I just let my hand go and I wrote...and wrote, and wrote, every single night...I said EVERYTHING I could think of to say...horrible things that I would never ever say in person...and it helped, to get the poison out of my system. Anger and hatred really are poison...
I am by no means "over it". I never will be. But honey, I am moving on with my life. I was forced into this, and I didn't want it...but once I could get through the majority of the pain, I could see that I have a real chance at a new life...a future that can be good.
You are not the loser here...You are the one who is going to be ON TOP AGAIN. You just have to let yourself go through the hurt...DO NOT STOP yourself from the tears, the hurt, the anger...GO THROUGH IT...as bad as it hurts...feel it...then it can be done, and you can move on...
I heard something this morning...the best revenge is LIVING WELL.
Call me if you need me, any time. Seriously.
Love you,
Keli