jettidog (kelli)
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| Fri, 05-26-2006 - 5:12pm |
Hi Kelli,
I saw your reply to my post and I wasn't sure if you'd look for my reply there. I am rather irritable a lot lately. I tend to just go off the deep end and rant and rave, usually in response to a dirty house (for some reason that is a big trigger for me sometimes). I never seem to know when it will hit and I always feel like crap after I flip- usually because my kids are around.
I self- medicated with alcohol in college when I realized I was abused as a child. That may sound strange, but I figured what happened at my house happened in everyone's house. My father sexually abused me, along with emotional and physical abuse. I was also sexually abused by a priest as a teenager. The priest issue is what sent me to the tdoc. I read the guy's name in the paper and it just sent me off the deep end. I was obsessed with thinking about what happened. I was angry, sad, frustrated, and a ton of other emotions. The church was offering some counselling, so I went. I got a wonderful tdoc and through the course of the last year, I have finally been able to trust her and open up a little bit with her. I have serious trust issues, but they are getting better. It took me a while to admit to the drinking, cutting and other self-injury but I am to the point now that I can tell her the urge is coming. I have stuck with her for all this time because I just can't stand myself! I hate my mood swings, I hate all the thoughts that go through my head unsolicited, I hate craving alcohol and cutting, I hate staying up late and having my mind race. I would have to say I show more hypomanic symptoms than depression symptoms, but my tdoc would probably disagree with me. She is the one who has said many times in therapy "you sound manic" or "you sound depressed". I will find out Tuesday if she is willing to do a bp dx or not. She is slow to make the dx because my lupus can cause symptoms that mimic bp. I know in my heart that this has been going on long before my lupus, though.
Anyway, I'm glad that you got the email from the tdoc you wanted to see. I hope that you feel comfortable with her and are honest. I know it is very hard to be up front with a stranger, but do your best to try. Maybe you could type up or write out the symptoms you are having or triggers or reasons you feel you need help then take that with you. If you don't have the courage to tell her, just hand her the paper. I've done that. It gives her the info she needs to help you and it opens the door to communication, yet you don't really have to "say" it, which verbalizing can be the hardest part.
If you need to talk, I'd love to get to know you better. I'm new here, too, so I often feel I don't have anything constructive or supportive to say. Hopefully I will be of benefit to someone somewhere along the way, even if it is just to say "I hear you".
Take care,
Peg
| Tue, 05-30-2006 - 1:30pm |
