Sorry to whine but...

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Registered: 04-24-2003
Sorry to whine but...
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Fri, 06-02-2006 - 7:47pm

I feel depressed...and that stinks since I'm on an antidepressant! I have no idea how my mood changed so quickly but it did. I can't even explain it. I went to bed early last night (9:00 compared to the midnight I've been going for the past week) and already felt sluggish. I woke up a bear and I've been pretty down most of the day. I have no reason for it. I almost started crying at the pharmacy when I couldn't fill my rx for my lupus meds (mail order is late, ran out today). All I kept thinking about on the way home is how it would be so easy to just take the bottle of bupropion or xanax before bed and just go to sleep. If I didn't have a dh and 2 little ones that would have to live with the aftermath I'd do it. I hate when I think this way; I get stuck thinking about overdosing or wrecking my truck purposely. It's just thoughts, I don't know that I would ever have the guts to really do it, but the thoughts are so real; I can picture the whole event unfolding in different scenarios. DH doesn't get it- he doesn't understand why I was so wired over the weekend and now I'm depressed. I don't get it so why should he?

I finally made the decision to take my tdoc's advice to see a pdoc. Great idea except it's almost impossible to get to see one. The local hospital has a wonderful program, but you can only see their pdocs if you see their tdocs (which I don't). Many of the private pdoc's in the area run under the same rules. I am not going to give up my tdoc...I have 16 months of history with her and I refuse to start over. I guess if things get bad enough and I get depressed enough I could check myself into the hospital and then I could see the pdoc...I'm sure a "cry for help" suicide attempt would qualify me. I don't really even want to see a pdoc cuz I don't want any more meds...

I need to go to the gym...maybe that will change my attitude. I guess I'll just sleep it off if not...

Peg

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 7:58pm

Peg,

No need to apologize and you're not whining. It's so tiresome to not know how you're going to feel. I've been trying to cover mine up for so long (unsuccessfully) that after my appt yesterday I already feel better. We increased my meds, but I think it has a lot to do with admitting I can't fix it and need some help.

Try to take deep breaths. I even started back to the gym, which I'm hoping will help. All of life's little irritations are so much worse for me when I'm down, as I'm sure for most others here.

I'm relatively new to all of this, but thought I'd give you cyber hugs to wish you a better night and hopefully a peaceful weekend. Hang in there, girl.

Amy

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Registered: 12-12-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 8:50pm

(((((((((((((((PEG))))))))))))))))))))

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Avatar for peg_t
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Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:08pm

Amy,
Thanks for the reply. I never made it to the gym; I couldn't convince myself to do it. I hung some yard sale signs- my neighborhood is having a sale tomorrow (it will probably get rained out looking at the weather) and I have absolutely no interest in doing it...and I am a yard sale freak...that is my life over the summer. My dining room is full of stuff I gathered last weekend when I was in a frenzy; now it sits there staring me in the face- laughing because that feeling is gone and I've slipped down the other side of the mountain (not all the way down, but far enough).
Going to the gym usually helps me. I feel better about my body now than I ever have. I have a "4 pack" now- I still can't get rid of that baby fat from pregnancy that is hiding the other 2 of my 6 pack. I can't work out as much as I want because I have lost too much weight over the last 6 months- I'm on the verge of being underweight on the BMI (I actually think I am there after this weekend- I burned off a pound or two being so hyper).
Anyway, enough blubbering. Thanks for the cyber hugs...that's the only reason I posted- I knew you guys would understand...

Peg

Avatar for peg_t
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Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:14pm

Johanna,
Thanks for understanding...I know this will pass, that is the annoying part...what's it's point in being here just ot disappear as quickly and as mysteriously as it appeared. The thougths are very annoying...it is like they are taunting me. I try to think of something else or get involved in something to try to change. I force myself to play with the kids but I have trouble staying focused- I'm quite distracted- I want to do stuff but when I do it, it's not satisfying. Ugh, this all sounds so dumb when I write it.

Anyway, thanks.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:21pm

Peg,

When I write things down I just wonder how I got to be 34!!! The thoughts that go through my mind... If anyone were to ever know what I think, I would absolutely be committed somewhere!

Ok, I'm nowhere near a 4-pack. I'm still trying to get off the 25 pounds I've accummulated since being at home with my kids, so I am completely jealous right now, but kudos to you!

I understand being up for no reason also. I worked until 5 a.m. the other morning (after taking some p.m. meds to help me sleep). I slept about 3 hours and went all day. I love to start monstrous projects only to get derailed in the middle of them. Very annoying. I seem to feel a bit better today after about a week of being just blah and not wanting to leave my house. Your time will come to, but it's hell getting through it, I know. I've got to get started with counseling though, because I do this same rollercoaster every month and I'm tired of it. Something's gotta give somewhere.

Take care of yourself

Amy

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Registered: 04-27-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 6:17am

Gental hugs to you (((((((((((Peg))))))))


A lot of us have been there before...wanting to end the pain. I know sometimes I get so overwhelmed by all the stress and depression that I feel like i am drowning. It always passes. It seems like it takes forever because it is painful but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now, please, tell me this when i am at the end of my rope;)


I too have been wired for the past week. I had a manic episode and it was hard getting through. I am still feeling somewhat wired but not as bad as before and now I have been able to sleep a little. It is hard to understand but unfortunately, it is part of the illness we have. I hate it too...UGH


I hope you feel better soon.


Tina




     ~ Tina ~

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Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 9:50am

ok, i'm coming in a little late on this one, and i feel like a broken record with this...but is it time for pms/af?


that will almost always kill the effects of the meds and it feels like your life is falling apart.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 1:09pm
That's what keeps me from doing it too - the aftermath. And the guilt and shame and all that other sh*t - hang in there!! I wish I could chat more - Big Squeeze Hugs - Kelli





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Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:11pm

No, not pms/af...that ended before the depression started. I think I am just not taking enough medication- I think my dosage needs to be upped but until I can find a pdoc, that won't happen- my pcp will not up it any more. UGH

Peg

Avatar for peg_t
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Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 9:20pm

Amy,

Thanks for the reply. I totally agree with you on how it looks when you write things down. A few weeks ago one of my assignments for the tdoc was to write down triggers. I wrote down a bunch of things that still haunt me from my past. They were very easy to write down- I think of them a lot. Then, two weeks ago, she pulls out the list, gave us both a copy, and we started with the first item. We had to talk about each one. I was SO stressed. Some of the things on the list were things that I have never told a soul and now I had to explain them to the tdoc! I kinda freaked. Last week when I went, she apologized and said we did a little too much and we will revisit some of the items again. Wed. I have to do the list again...we are about 1/4 of the way through it...I'm dreading it. I think of all I have been through and all the stupid things I have done to myself to cope. I realize my coping mechanisms are not good (self-injury, drinking, depersonalizing/dissociating) but I can't seem to get rid of them and replace them with things that give me the same kind of "relief". I saw the tdoc weekly for a year and I still haven't learned...maybe some day...I need to get rid of all of my "baggage". Maybe then I will get better...although this is a chronic illness and I don't know how much of my problems are from the past or how much of them are from the bp. It's all too confusing...I also feel that if anyone really knew what was in my head they would commit me somewhere and throw away the key.

I didn't mean to make you jealous...my weight loss was totally unintentional and most likely has stemmed from my lupus...or serious depression that I hid, even from myself. It started about a month after my MIL went into the hospital but she has been gone since Nov. and I'm still losing.

I love being up...I live most of my life that way. I often finish the projects I start...I'll work until my body just won't go anymore and then try to work more. I only don't finish projects when I suddenly drop into a depression (even if it's minor). Then I get pissed at myself and that makes the depression worse. And, the cycle continues! Isn't this lovely!

I'm glad you are feeling better. I hope you do start counseling soon. I know it is not for everyone- some people just aren't comfortable with it. It can be very beneficial, if you have a good tdoc.

Take care,
Peg

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