Sorry to whine but...
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| Fri, 06-02-2006 - 7:47pm |
I feel depressed...and that stinks since I'm on an antidepressant! I have no idea how my mood changed so quickly but it did. I can't even explain it. I went to bed early last night (9:00 compared to the midnight I've been going for the past week) and already felt sluggish. I woke up a bear and I've been pretty down most of the day. I have no reason for it. I almost started crying at the pharmacy when I couldn't fill my rx for my lupus meds (mail order is late, ran out today). All I kept thinking about on the way home is how it would be so easy to just take the bottle of bupropion or xanax before bed and just go to sleep. If I didn't have a dh and 2 little ones that would have to live with the aftermath I'd do it. I hate when I think this way; I get stuck thinking about overdosing or wrecking my truck purposely. It's just thoughts, I don't know that I would ever have the guts to really do it, but the thoughts are so real; I can picture the whole event unfolding in different scenarios. DH doesn't get it- he doesn't understand why I was so wired over the weekend and now I'm depressed. I don't get it so why should he?
I finally made the decision to take my tdoc's advice to see a pdoc. Great idea except it's almost impossible to get to see one. The local hospital has a wonderful program, but you can only see their pdocs if you see their tdocs (which I don't). Many of the private pdoc's in the area run under the same rules. I am not going to give up my tdoc...I have 16 months of history with her and I refuse to start over. I guess if things get bad enough and I get depressed enough I could check myself into the hospital and then I could see the pdoc...I'm sure a "cry for help" suicide attempt would qualify me. I don't really even want to see a pdoc cuz I don't want any more meds...
I need to go to the gym...maybe that will change my attitude. I guess I'll just sleep it off if not...
Peg

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Hi Tina,
Thanks for the hugs. I know this will all pass, I am feeling better but I tend to switch very quickly...getting down, then a huge burst of energy, cleaning frantically, then ok...it's crazy. I will gladly remind you, when you are down, that it will pass. That is what we are all here for...to support eachother. I have come to love this board very quickly because of the understanding you all have for eachother.
I have been wired worse than I was recently...I have had way worse racing thoughts and stayed up much later or did way more risky things than I have over the past week or so, but this "mixed" stuff is for the birds! I almost feel like I am loosing my mind at times...literally going crazy. I get confused, wondering what is real/not real (do I really feel this way or do I just think I feel this way). Oh well, again, I know it will pass.
This illness just stinks...
Hugs back at ya,
Peg
Hi Kelli,
Thanks for the big squeeze hugs! I hope all of us feel the same way and would never really act on our feelings/thoughts of suicide. There are times when it really seems like a valid option, but fortunately I have always been able to keep my wits enough to not follow through.
Peg
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