Reframing my thoughts all afternoon...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Reframing my thoughts all afternoon...
6
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 7:36am

Hi all

So many posts in the last few days- I will look and respond on the weekend.

In the meantime I had to just vent a bit. I have one friend who knew about my A. He isnt a great friend and I havent spoken to him in many months. We had a nice catch up today and I told him my A was over. His response sort of surprised me- he said that he had an affair many years ago and he was sad when it ended as he lost a great friend, a great lover and someone who he had shared great inyimacy with.

This bothered me all afternoon and i thought yes- thats why Im so sad, I lost a friend and lover. This thought made me sad all afternoon thinking 'woe is me' type thoughts, I'll never have that again- blah bah. It was like I was in complete fantasy land.

But I literally stopped in my tracks and said

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 8:06am
Iggy, that was a fabulous vent!! Right on girl. Way to reframe your fantasy thoughts into real life thoughts!!! I am so darn proud of you for doing the work required to get YOU back to RL. Give the M some time. Work on yourself. T will help a great deal. You will disacover why you are/were pushing H away and you can work on those issues as you get healthier. So proud of you, sweetie.

Xoxo
Alwayst
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 11:52pm
Haha Iggy - your xAP couldn't get his head round your kids names either? After my xAP asked about "Sophie" for the third time when neither of my girls is called Sophie I finally had a necklace made with my kids' names on it and wore it til he got the point! Meantime I could have readily recited each of his children's birthdays, favourite hobbies, secret fears, progress at school ... Maybe it's just a mom thing. :)

Great work on shooting that fantasy out of the sky (I'm picturing you as an Athena-like warrior with your bow and arrow in hand.)

Sunshine and smiles

Kat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 1:03am

hahaha yeah thats me- Athena :)

Will maybe I am 2 Athena's glued together :)

But yes my effort so far in healing has been to actively challenge my thinking and seriously MAKE myself stop living a fantasy.

I think my biggest issue is that exAP 'looked' the part of what I expected the perfect lover to be. He was handsome, suave, alpha, rich- all the things that my heart has fantasised about since I was a little girl. So I took the 2 dimensional image and added a fantastical 3rd dimension. I made him warm, loving, caring, sensual.... but I deliberatively ignored his coldness, discourteous actions, lousy sex and the many many times he put himself first.

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 5:01am

LOL what's with xAP's and the names of our children? ;-)

"uhhh uhh.. hello Isabel... " Isabel????? a nice name, but not the name of my child!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 5:38am
It really just goes to show that they aren't interested in us moreso interested in what they will be getting from the R. Further proof that A are simply formed upon self-centred motives.

V888
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 7:10am
Iggy
Thank you for that post my dear, from the bottom if my heart cuz all those things you said are exactly what I need to think when my head starts going down that pain.