Just called my pdoc...trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Just called my pdoc...trigs
14
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:21am

Okay, i just called my pdoc...i cannot handle any of this...its all too much at once...i tried...i did...i did a good job...but my depression is SO BAD! I feel so hopeless, like what is the point in even continuing on....there isn't much of one...except my son, and now I am his sole support...whoa, that is a major stressor for me...I haven't had to deal with that one since all of this Bipolar crap started...my marriage ended (but it didn't really, cuz Eric says he still loves me, and always will, and pretends a lot that there isn't anyone else...he is still there for me, but he isn't THERE for me...). I lost my dog. I had to move. My mom is very ill. My dad is going to bail soon, and put her in a nursing home.

OMG.

It all hit me within in the last month. WTF. How does a person deal with all this, even if they do NOT have a mental disorder that causes them to be so F'ed up in the head that they think stupid things all the time...my borderline stuff makes me think that if I just do "this" that this person will love me...well I do "this" and that person doesn't love me...then I feel even worse (yes, possible) about msyelf and crash harder...and want to do terrible things to myself.

I could win an Academy award for the acting job that I do. If anyone could get in my head, they would totally lock me up forever.

Yes, I still do the basics...sometimes. I make sure my kid is taken care of...but myself? Not so much. Why? Nobody wants me. I want to starve myself again, because I've gained weight, but then what is the point of that??? I say again, who wants me? Yes, there are men here who call me, but only for sex...I hate them...and I hate myself...but it goes back to a little girl who got everything taken away from her by a 17 year old boy and I wish I could just go to sleep forever.

I am so damaged goods.

My pdoc can't help me...I've looked to her as some sort of God type figure and put all my faith in her to help me...but she can't erase abuse...she can't erase the thoughts that are etched in my brain...she can't stop the thoughts from spinning me around and around over and over again...I even sent away my husband...and I did do that...I know that now...he wasn't happy because of ME. Who would have been????? I stayed in bed all the time. ALL THE TIME! So now, when I see him, I try so hard to be upbeat and happy, because I still hope he will come back to me...but he won't. I know he won't. He chose another path. I don't blame him.

I am so incredibly depressed. I can't pretend much longer. I have had many many triggers lately. Things I've not even begun to talk about...of course, I don't talk to anyone...so that was easy. Its harder and harder to go to work, and actually be productive here.

Why can't I just be okay? Do I not deserve to be okay? I want to be okay...I do.

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Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:04pm

Keli,

I know what it's like to hit major stressors all at once, which part of the time I think I was in PPD, but for the majority of it - just me. I cannot even imagine taking all the stress you have now & being so susceptible to depression.

Here are things I did to help me get through:

* Realize what can be harmed by neglect & what cannot. Laundry, the bathtub, etc cannot be harmed. So neglect them! Focus on yourself, son & mother and let everything else slide.

* Do NOT be ashamed to ask for help. Oh, this was a big olesson for me to learn. But it turns out, people like to help out b/c it makes THEM feel better. So when you need help, ask for it. Eric sounds very willing, so make sure he takes your son enough, helps out financially where ever possible, etc.

* Do not be ashamed of who you are. You did not make yourself ill, so do not hide from asking for help b/c you're embarressed you cannot handle it all by yourself. This is not your fault.

* Loving you makes other love you. Take care of yourself where ever possible. Buy a nice aromoa therapy night cream or something. When you get 15 minutes to yourself, use it to pamper yourself - even if it's bed. Do you toe nails, pull out some massager, try out a new style, etc. I would do this right before bed to help relax me.

* Meditation CD for sleep. You know how important sleep is at times like this. I would use a meditation CD to help me find sleep.

* Eat well - good luck with that one - I couldn't do it (lost too much weight).

* Drink water, lots & lots of water.

* Finally, make small goals for yourself. For example, this week make a goal to sort through books. Something not too overwhelming, but accomplishing something does make you feel better about yourself.

I'm sure there are many out there that love you. I can really see it just on this board. So many times I come in here & see people calling out your name. Until you feel better about yourself I don't think you'll feel it from others.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Bonnie

~ My mantra for life - "The only way out of this is through it."




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:26pm

Honey- I know things are overwhelming right now. Like the op said take care of what needs to be done most important and the not so important things let go of. I know this is hard BUT you can do it.

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:29pm

(((((((((((((((((((Keli))))))))))))))))))))) Bonnie summed it up beautifully and I can't think of anything to add to what she said. Just know that we are here for you and will help in any way we can. And YES you do deserve and WILL GET a break!!


My faith isn't as strong as it probably should be, but someone sends me e-mails frequently and part of their signature reads "If God brings you to it, He brings you through it" so believe in that. Make it your mantra. You know how to reach me if you need to talk. Hang in there sweetie.


Love U,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 1:36pm

I don't have much more to add....wish there was something I could do.


try to consider the new place as your starting over...yes its rough, but most things are in the beginning.


keep venting, it will help


love u


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.

"You win some, you lose some, you wreck some." -- Dale Earnhardt"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing." – Rabbi Hillel



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God could not be everywhere, so

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 5:16pm

Keli,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I lost my MIL (who was really my mother emotionally) in November after the sudden onset of an illness in July. It was four months of emotional h*ll. I can empathize with what you are going through. I know I'm new to this board and often feel like I don't have much to offer, but if you ever want to "talk", I'm here to listen.

It's good that you called the pdoc and hopefully you will get a return call soon. Do you take meds? Maybe they need an adjustment.

I understand feeling so messed up in the head and thinking stupid thoughts. It is like a viscious cycle that is very hard to stop. Even if you think about all the positives in your life or do cognitive reframing, it is still challenging to break the cycle. Try to stay strong and not do anything "terrible" to yourself.

I hope that you are feeling better soon.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 7:31pm

((((((((((((((KELI)))))))))))))))))))))))


I am so sorry you are in this place right now. I wish I could just give you a hug. AND YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:14pm

Keli,

Sorry to post two replies but I wasn't in a place to respond to your entire post earlier.

I am really sorry for what you went through as a child. It is so hard to deal with the images and thoughts about sexual abuse. My father sexually abused me (mom did nothing, dad is bipolar so it was all part of his illness according to her- not my biological father, I was adopted). I was also abused by boys and by a priest. I feel for anyone who has been abused; it's something no one should ever have to experience.

You are NOT damaged goods. You are a valuable person and you do deserve to be ok, and I am sure you will be. You will make it. I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better and get through this...

Hugs,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:47am
Keli - your statement: I could win an Academy award for the acting job that I do. If anyone could get in my head, they would totally lock me up forever.
That just sums me up in nutshell - I have never read anything that so resonated with me as that one - I almost cried at the perfect simplicity of that truth. I just wanted to say Thank You and I wished EVERYONE outside of this board could understand. Thanks, Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:48pm

Kelli,

TRIGGERS BELOW

TRIGGERS BELOW

TRIGGERS BELOW

I was thinking about that very thing again just last night...I was talking to a very close friend who has BP as well...and I was telling her something really dumb I'd done the night before, out of sheer desperation, frustration, pain, anger, and just well, I don't know why really...I just know I hate all these "things". I have Bipolar...Borderline Personality, PTSD, Eating Disorder NOS bordering on Anorexia and that one is a major oxymoron cuz I'm still fat, etc, etc, etc, etc. Its just that my brain is broken...that's all.

HA! ALL?

But yeah...so, I come to work...and while some of them know I have issues...you wouldn't be able to tell unless you knew me INTIMATELY. Ya know?

TRIGGERS COMING...graphic, so don't read unless you are okay...
....
....
....

Like how I want to starve myself...and do. Until my body gives out on me, and I have to eat...then I hate msyelf for it. Like how I want to slice my arms with the sharpest razor possible...to feel ANYTHING but what is going through my brain at that very moment. How I go home every day from work and go to bed, and try to block out every single feeling and emotion that I have...and my freaking brain won't let that happen...NOOOOOO, I have to have a MILLION thoughts, feelings, and emotions running around up there at once. How I want to self medicate to stop the flashbacks...I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP SEEING THAT IN MY HEAD ALL DAY LONG! Then, to add to the misery of it all, a panic attack starts...How I want to NEVER wake up every night that I go to bed. And then I do, and the cycle starts over.

Why do we bother? I bother because I have a 15 year old kid. That is all.

So, yeah...do others know this about me? Not a chance in a million.

Dang, that all sounds like I"m all suicidal or something, and I'm not...its just truth. I think maybe some here can relate to what I am saying. Nobody else outside of here will though...I've tried and tried to explain to my dh...and bless his heart he tried...he did. No matter what he did otherwise, he was there for me as much as he could have been. I am glad he has a happier life now. He still loves me. I still love him. But its sheer torture to be ME, and he didn't have to go through that too. That's how I feel about it now.

Guess I had a lot to talk about!!! Thanks for listening. I hope I didn't trigger you, or upset you by anything I said here.

Hugs - Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 1:34pm
Don't worry about me - none of that phased me because I totally get it. 100%.
I feel like I am completely warped by My Rules. About eating - not eating - what to eat, when to eat - it's ridiculous. I have rules for everything to control everything and of course nothing works. Drinking, dressing, acting, friendship, the list is endless. And I break them constantly. When I was in my first marriage, I was so depressed and agoraphobic, and I've never said this before - I would only brush my teeth and shower once every 1.5 to 2 weeks. Shame, guilt, self hatred. That's what really rules me! But no one, not even my dh, would ever ever know it! Hell no!! That's one reason I am afraid to stop drinking because I shudder at the thought of the person who would emerge from that. Without my "calming wine" almost every night, I fear the inner voices would become outer voices and I will lose everything! Will my dd end up like me? My 19 yo dd seems ok but she's definitely just like her father, however, 7 yo dd is just like me. Scares the crap out of me. I love coming to this board, everyone on it, and reading the posts - it's a life raft. I can really be myself and not have to hide "my other half". Thank you for responding and, as always, making me realize I am not alone! Hugs, Kelli With The Two L's





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