Just called my pdoc...trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Just called my pdoc...trigs
14
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 11:21am

Okay, i just called my pdoc...i cannot handle any of this...its all too much at once...i tried...i did...i did a good job...but my depression is SO BAD! I feel so hopeless, like what is the point in even continuing on....there isn't much of one...except my son, and now I am his sole support...whoa, that is a major stressor for me...I haven't had to deal with that one since all of this Bipolar crap started...my marriage ended (but it didn't really, cuz Eric says he still loves me, and always will, and pretends a lot that there isn't anyone else...he is still there for me, but he isn't THERE for me...). I lost my dog. I had to move. My mom is very ill. My dad is going to bail soon, and put her in a nursing home.

OMG.

It all hit me within in the last month. WTF. How does a person deal with all this, even if they do NOT have a mental disorder that causes them to be so F'ed up in the head that they think stupid things all the time...my borderline stuff makes me think that if I just do "this" that this person will love me...well I do "this" and that person doesn't love me...then I feel even worse (yes, possible) about msyelf and crash harder...and want to do terrible things to myself.

I could win an Academy award for the acting job that I do. If anyone could get in my head, they would totally lock me up forever.

Yes, I still do the basics...sometimes. I make sure my kid is taken care of...but myself? Not so much. Why? Nobody wants me. I want to starve myself again, because I've gained weight, but then what is the point of that??? I say again, who wants me? Yes, there are men here who call me, but only for sex...I hate them...and I hate myself...but it goes back to a little girl who got everything taken away from her by a 17 year old boy and I wish I could just go to sleep forever.

I am so damaged goods.

My pdoc can't help me...I've looked to her as some sort of God type figure and put all my faith in her to help me...but she can't erase abuse...she can't erase the thoughts that are etched in my brain...she can't stop the thoughts from spinning me around and around over and over again...I even sent away my husband...and I did do that...I know that now...he wasn't happy because of ME. Who would have been????? I stayed in bed all the time. ALL THE TIME! So now, when I see him, I try so hard to be upbeat and happy, because I still hope he will come back to me...but he won't. I know he won't. He chose another path. I don't blame him.

I am so incredibly depressed. I can't pretend much longer. I have had many many triggers lately. Things I've not even begun to talk about...of course, I don't talk to anyone...so that was easy. Its harder and harder to go to work, and actually be productive here.

Why can't I just be okay? Do I not deserve to be okay? I want to be okay...I do.

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Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 3:41pm

OMG Keli,

I could have written your post...really. I have the BP, symptoms of borderline personality, major dissociation/depersonalization issues, I can get addicted to alcohol at the drop of a hat, I'm a self-injurer, and if I lose too much more weight I will add an eating disorder to the list.

I can so relate to what you have said. Sometimes the thoughts in your head get so overwhelming...it's not always like manic racing thoughts...sometimes it can just be a constant stream of thoughts or dialogue or momories or play by play description of what I did during the day or what I have to do the rest of the day. Just constant thought...it never ends. Then, when they do become racing, it's like I want to just die. There is seemingly no end to it.

I feel for you and totally understand your post. I would love for people near to me to understand what it's like to be inside of my head...but it would scare the hell out of most people.

You'll understand and appreciate this one: I have been having the crappy flashbacks about childhood sexual abuse..so, I get myself over that yesterday. Today, we have a staff meeting and there is a guest speaker. She looks familiar but I couldn't place her. After she says her first name I remember that she is the person who does the "good touch, bad touch" puppet show in the area. She hands out the program information: Child victims of sexual assault. GIVE ME A FREAKIN BREAK! I was so anxious. Cried during part of the presentation...my boss was concerned about me (she knows my past) and was proud of me that I even stayed in the room the whole time. SO, now I have all that back in my mind again floating around. It's like it will never end...

I hope that you are having a good afternoon. Thanks for sharing with us.

Hugs,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 6:30pm

Keli,
I'm so sorry you're going through such a terrible time. I've been there too...just some different issues. Have you thought about going into the hospital? I came home Thursday from a 10 day stay. It was the scariest, but BEST thing I could have done. I learned sooo much, and the information has been a lifesaver. Please take care of yourself. I hope things get better really soon.

(((Hugs))), Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:16am

Keli I can completely relate to the a lot of what you said, the going to bed at night never wanting to wake up, the anorexia until you're just starving and then you stuff your face and look at yourself in the mirror, disappointed that you ate and seeing what a pig you really are. (Sorry *I* am). As for the cutting... there have been times when I just feel so numb and all I want to do is cut myself. I never understood it before but it's just like... the feeling of needing to feel. I haven't done it yet and I'm trying to hold off. I hope that you hang in there and take good care of yourself! Have some fun this weekend!

With hope,
Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:47am

Hi Rene, I was wondering where you were. I am glad you are safe. I have been in the hospital 8 freaking times. I have ALL the information they could possibly give me. I'm so so so glad you went in, and go the help you needed. It helped me before too.

So, how are you now? Let me know if you want to talk.

Love and Hugs,

Keli

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