and now back to my marriage....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2011
and now back to my marriage....
6
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 4:34pm

It has been about 6 weeks since I have seen AP, 5 weeks since we have spoken. Two days ago, I got a text to check my e-mail, but didn't respond and thankfully there has been no e-mail. Although I did look for it, I know I am better off without it.

So here I am trying to heal after my 2 year A has ended, and the scariest part of all this is dealing with my marriage now. The same issues that existed before, exist now. Our very biggest problem was lack of sex in the relationship, on the part of my H. He is my best friend, but was never really affectionate, passionate or even very sexual. This made me crave another person. Sadly enough, H and I have not had sex since December.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2011
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 9:35pm

LOL OK, I was hoping my post would have been received some responses. I was wondering if anyone else was going through the same thing, just trying so hard to get over xAP while trying to save their RL relationships or marriages. I guess I was hoping someone else could give me advice on getting the passion back in the marriage while fighting through all of the A heartache.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 10:09pm

Hi LBP

Sorry I havent had a chance to respond yet- dont worry about the others Im sure they'll chime in- there are a lot of new threads here at the moment.

Ok I am in THE EXACT SAME SITUATION!

I had an 18mth affair that finished technically in Sep last year. I had a few weeks of on-off breaking NC but finally settled into a good(ish) NC routine over Dec/Jan. Around mid Feb he texts me and basically says he has had amental breakdown from all the guilt, he is unwell, he is impotent and we had such great sex so would I please be his FB only - 'we will fk and talk about fking only'.

I was so hurt and shocked- I didnt respond though. But I had often suspected that he stayed on the dating site that we met on. I set up a fake profile, found the person I thought was him, conversed as this fake person and yes- its him- he was on the dating site the whole time of our A.

I was reeling. We had talked of love, being together, we had trips away, we had llunches, romantic afternoons- this cannot have been ALL a lie!!!

So here I am officially restarted my NC count on Feb 14 (after I shut down my fake profile and stated out loud to myself in the mirror that i will NEVER contact/search for him again). It has/is a slow journey for me. Through this I have realised that I have issues with addiction/obsession/rejection and wanting to be liked. I am humiliated, sad, angry and I am also dealing with the fact that Im an adulteress!!!

Ok so now - my M. Like you - married to a great guy for over 20 years. Handsome, genuine, reliable but over the years we have become like business partners. We are great friends, great parents, I dont want to be married to anyone else but we NEVER have sex- or if we do its very rare and normally if I instigate it.

I dont know why this is. But we have talked about it occasionaly and I have even asked if he is seeing someone or does he simply not fancy me (or maybe women???) anymore! He was upset at these conversations and its clear none of those things is the issue. But I dont know what it is or what to do. I hate asking for sex all the time!

I noticed when we went away on a weekend last year we had a great time and great sex! So maybe its the lost connection between the two of us- something that my A definately added to!

I need to work on rebuilding that connection but I dont know- it cant all be me surely. I think i will talk to him about counselling but Im sure he wont be too keen- he doesnt see that we have a problem!

Im here for you LBP if you want to message/talk. I dont know what the answer is- answer to getting over the A while simultaneaously working on the issues that you were suffering before- but at least we can stumble through together?

Much love

Iggy xxx

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 10:43pm
I know also what you mean, I feel as if I became so intune with xap that I dont like it the same at all and I miss it with xap so bad god I hate to even say that out loud but right now its how I feel. I keep plugging along praying this is going to change as time and space distance me .
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2011
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 5:43pm

Thank you for your responses Iggy and LFH. In my heart and in my mind, I am focusing so much on what I want which is to keep my family together, remain married to H and get over xAP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 7:18am

LBP,

Give it some time. Work on yourself a little longer before trying to figure out your M. The answer to your question is "YES," you can get passion and romance back. I didn't think it was possible, but I am

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 11:52am

Lifebackplease,

I am in almost the exact situation you are, except for it's ME who is the source of the lack of intimacy in my marriage. I also just ended my two-year A, and I am currently not even remotely sexually attracted to my H. He is very affectionate and wants to be intimate with me all the time, and I just can't bring myself to do it. The A was what kept me going; I always had the fantasy running in my mind like a movie, and it "helped me through," so to speak (sorry for the overshare). He's my best friend, but I'm afraid the romance and sexuality has died for us. I can't imagine it coming back, though Always' story is very inspiring.

I'm at a crossroads right now because I feel like I'm experiencing the death of both my A and my marriage. I don't know how much time to give my marriage now that I'm post-A; I feel terrible for not satisfying my husband's needs, but I also can't stand "forcing" myself to feel something that isn't there. There's a lot of other guilt too...for instance, we're at the time in our lives where we should be thinking about having children, and now I just can't stomach the idea; my H, however, really wants them, and now I feel like I've led him to a dead end, and that maybe because of me he's going to miss his window to have them. I feel terrible about this.

I guess I don't have any great insight for you, Lifebackplease, just that there are plenty of other people also struggling with this, and I guess time will have to tell. Hang in there :)

xoxo

Silver