Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Update
10
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 8:37am

I talked to my pdoc last night...I love her...I can talk to her about anything...I wish she did therapy...she'd be good at it...oh well. Anyway, she says this depression crap is situational, relating to everything I'm going through hitting me all at one time during the last 5 weeks...she said I am amazingly strong (she always says that though) to have gone through all this, and still am going on as I am...she says she can hear in my voice that I'm not on the verge of a freak out melt down...and for those of you who are new here and don't know my history, I've been hospitalized 8 times in the last 4 years...only a year or even 6 months ago I would have been sectioned. I do feel very proud of my stability. I worked very very very hard for it. Some of it is meds...but very little actually. Most of it is me.

Anyway, I didn't mean to get all preachy, lovey dovey...

She increased my Wellbutrin again for a while...I'll be on 300 mgs. I started it on 150, went up to 225, now 300. So we will see.

Basically, its all a matter of simply going through what I have to go through. But it will be a bit easier to manage with the WB. Hopefully it will control the crying spells. I hate to cry, and I do it so much, at the dang drop of a hat lately. I usually tend to be more manic than depressed, and the depressions when I go into them, seem to be very deep and last forever.

Pdoc said she was glad I called, so we could try to hit this in the beginning stages, and not wait until it became a problem. However, she is leery of my becoming manic, and you can see from the length of this post, I do feel better, lol.

BP sucks, guys...we all know this. But we gotta do whatever it is we gotta do to get through it.

Thank you ALL very much for your support. I don't know how I would survive without all of you. This board, and my friends here are my lifeline...

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 9:41am
i'm glad she got back to you and you love her so much...that really does help !!!
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God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.

"You win some, you lose some, you wreck some." -- Dale Earnhardt"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing." – Rabbi Hillel



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God could not be everywhere, so

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:15am

However, she is leery of my becoming manic, and you can see from the length of this post, I do feel better, lol.
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Just because you're feeling better does not mean you're getting manic. You can feel better w/o it being illness related. (If the above is what you meant.)

You're going to be on the fastest emotional roller coaster ride in you're life. This is normal. You could possibly spin w/in seconds of each other. Try to find some funny movies or funny people to talk to, especially if they can make you laugh at your own situation. Laughter really is good medicine. While my brother was sick his docs even told him so.

As stated before I know what it's like to be overwhelmed with life. I was pg with twins & mc'd @ 12w. I passed one & the other took another 12w to be absorbed back into my body (I believe this is when I was PPD). This is when H started to fall deeply into his depression. At the time of my mc my brother was hospitalized for a staph infection. Only my sister & I knew he had been HIV+ for nearly 10 yrs & a bad liver. We could not share this info with my mom or other sister. Once the mc finally ended I became pg immediately (against H wishes, though he did knowingly participate - but put a major strain in our marriage). I then had an oral infection in an implant I had & required surgery at the worst possible time in pg. Around the same time I found a breast lump that took 6w of tests to finally receive the benign results. Also at this time my bro's health was deteriating quickly & though he would not admit it, I knew he was living his final year. At the beginning of 3rd trimester baby turned breech & I could not move (and very depressed as I did not want a repeat c-section). This was when my brother was told he'd only have 3 mos to live, he didn't share this info, but I could feel it. Baby was born screaming & would not stop until she was 3 mos old. My brother died 2w after her birth @ Christmas time. I was not even supposed to be going up & down stairs (due to c-section), but here I was traveling at the worst possible time of the year. Meanwhile H's depression continued to get worse & he started Zoloft in May ... you know my story from there.

I believe it would be difficult to know what are 'normal' feelings & which are driven by BP. It's good to hear you're pdoc knows you well enough to be able to distinguish between the two. As far as I understand stress can be a trigger into mania, so try to take some of my earlier suggestions & drop what you can where you can & find 15 minutes a day to pamper yourself.

Hang in there Keli

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 11:23am

Hi Bonnie,

You're right. I wouldn't know a normal feeling or mood if one hit me in the face and held a sign up to my eyes and screamed it at me. I relax every single night. I read a book, listen to the radio, watch tv. I have a pretty lax home life. My son is 15.5 and is very self reliant. So, while I get lonely, I also have a lot of time to myself. Good and bad.

Laughter is GREAT medicine. Maybe the best out there. Distraction works well too...when you have the energy or motivation to do so.

Wow, you went through a lot too...life is something, isn't it?

How is H doing? I think of him often.

Hugs,

Keli

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 1:09pm

Thanks for asking. He's doing really well actually. He's still rapid cycling, but each is easier than the last & he comes out more like himself each time. He's been sober for over a month now and says with the tranquelizers he doesn't feel a need to drink. If he starts to get irritable he takes a few, hides, then calms down. He did have one episode where he forgot the evening w/o the aid of alcohol & that scared him. But over all I am amazed at how much more he remembers. I feel like I need to be a little more careful of what I say b/c he's actually remember what I say.

He's no longer hiding away in bed. We're getting our lives back on track. We have a finances back to where they should be (through refinancing the house) and spending every weekend working on getting the house cleaned up.

I don't think he's ready to start marriage counceling yet, he's still needs to concentrate on himself. In fact last night he made a reference of him not being BP. He knows he is, but it scares me he's questioning the diagnosis. So we're not quite there yet.

Overall our little family of 4 are much happier at the time being.

(My annual horoscope said something like after years of terror I will now have a 9 year run of tranquility - God I hope so. I'm emotionally overdrawn.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 1:16pm

Emotionally overdrawn...tell me about it. I too have just about had it. I could use some tranquility in my life right about now too. I know a lot of it comes with work, but for once, I'd like to just catch a break without having to work at it so hard. It will come one day.

I'm glad your dh is learning how to maintain. Questioning the dx is so common...SO common. I still do it to this day. Just today I did it...guess I always will. Nobody wants it. I love my tranqs too...they keep me sane. I told my pdoc that last night...she said, well, yeah...lol.

Marriage counseling will come in time, or maybe it won't. Maybe you will learn to just be. Ya know?

Sometimes there is just TOO much past to deal with...and while counseling is a good thing, it can't cure everything...time, our higher power, and our love for one another can sometimes be MUCH more powerful than any counseling.

Hugs,

Keli

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 5:52pm

Oh, I don't want marriage counceling to cure the past. I believe that is a waste of time. You can only change the present & future. What I think we'd need in marriage counceling is a tdoc who understands BP & guide us communicate better with each other & express our own needs (i.e. not spending too much time trying to make the other happy).

I really understand the A. I believe I understand it better than he. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt - I fear I'll be forever damaged by it. Though it would be nice to try to revisit it somewhat in counceling to try to figure out what H feels he's lacking in life and/or marriage and help him find a way to get it and to help me understand in greater depths.

Our past, sure he's hurt me & I know I've hurt him. But both of us have made the decision to live with it & continue to live with each other. We cannot blame each other for past transgressions if we've decided to let it be part of our lives & continue to live with each other. In other words, we are not victims & we have chosen to live with or forgive.

Oh, I wish there was a magic wand that could bring peace, even for a short time to lick our wounds. I sometimes wonder how I've lived through what I have.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 8:52pm

Keli,

I am so happy that you are feeling better- your pdoc sounds great. You are lucky to have someone who knows you so well. It sounds like you have learned a lot in the last year. You should be proud of your stability- that is an awesome accomplishment. I'm glad to see you give yourself the credit you deserve.

You made the right choice to call your pdoc and get a med increase to help you out- I hope that it works and you are spared a serious depression. Hopefully you won't go too far in the other direction though. It sounds as though your pdoc is very much in tune with you and will keep a watchful eye on you to help you out. When I first started taking bupropion (generic WB) I was actually hoping it would at least send me into a hypomanic state- I was craving one as stupid as that sounds. I was also looking for "proof" that the bp was real- antidepressant causes mania- confirmation of bp. It's dumb, but that's how my brain works sometimes. Sorry, I got off the topic a little...

Please take care of yourself. Hugs.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 9:04pm
keli- I'm so glad you're feeling better! You deserve it after all you have gone through. It must feel good for things to be looking up! And that's great your pdoc is so wonderful. It's really hard to find good doctors (like poor Tina) Have a good night!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 8:43am

HA!

That is EXACTLY why I got the increase...for a little bit of hypomania...and its not a bit crazy, who the HECK wants to be in those deep depressions...but I'm really agitated now...its what I get!!! But I'm not depressed today either.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 8:45am

Thanks, Meg. The only thing about going up, is coming down. UGH.

But at least today I'm up up up for a change!!!

:)