I have finally returned...need you all

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
I have finally returned...need you all
18
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 8:57am

My dear EAS friends...it has been almost a year to the day that my A ended the first time. The day I received my tweener wings, he fished. I was sucessful in ignoring the attempt, but didn't last past day 102. I have now wasted another year of my life in the depths of hell with all the pain, ups, downs, despair, guilt, obsessions... the waiting, the wanting, the hating, the feel goods...and the ultimate lows.

During this whole time, I never left this board, I read all the posts, I agonized with all the newbies, I rejoiced with all the successes, I read with envy all the milestones that my fellow posters made it through. I always knew in my heart I would be back. I tried sevearl times to go NC...I never made it past 4 days. On Feb 16 I had my final say...but broke it on day 12

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Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 9:40am

Healing,

I wanted to respond to this...read it first thing this morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 9:50am

Thank you so much for the reply Hearts! I have been reading your posts...and truly cannot imagine the heartache a DDay would cause for my H and family. I know it is always still a possibility (as you know all too well). I have been thankful this has never been the case for me, but realize that it only magnifies my guilt, shame and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2010
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 9:53am

Healing, It was wonderful to read your post this morning. If you don't mind, there were a couple of things I'd like to add to Iddy's ongoing list of words that resonate with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:04am
Hi healing, ((hug)) you are doing the best thing for yourself and you family, keep refocusing those thoughts I get saved every day by refocusing. When I feel my resolve weakening I read mostly from a blog, I like to find ones who have had ddays because it reminds me of what could happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:50am
Healing!!! OMG...I have missed ya. So happy you are back. My girl! U are back. Please post..u are wise, witty and a delight to see back. What a gift to see u here this morning!! I am so happy...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 11:00am

Thank you ladies!!! Thank you so much for the welcome back. I am checking back in with all my baggage...in hopes to make it a permanent residence!

Luvin my girl! THX...you are one of the ladies I ALWAYS looked forward to hearing from....so your words were much needed this morning! I find it funny that we never forget a name and story even though we read hundreds of them! Look forward to sharing wise words and support...I really do need it, have hit the bottom of the barrel in the self worth department! Onwards and Upwards is the only place to go from here!!!

Hope all is well with you...sounds like you are doing well!!! Good to be back! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 11:01am

Healing, dear lady, welcome back. A painful reunion I am sure, but hearing that you have been lurking makes this welcome back more meaningful, as if we never lost you.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 11:10am

Thank You Iddy...been a hard journey back...yes worse that the first time around. I am broken... however, piece by little piece I will get myself and my life and my M back together. Thank you for you kindness, I always knew you'd be waiting with open arms like a mother whose lost child

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 11:14am
Hi Healing, I am glad you have come back to EAS for support. You sound resolved in your choice to end the A and have taken excellant steps by blocking communication and coming here and posting. Letting out your thoughts can be a freeing feeling I have found and I have learned so much through my own healing journey here and I continue to each day. Welcome Healing and big hugs to you:-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 2:59pm
Dear Healing,

((hugs)) ... welcome back. My heart is just aching for you. I can only imagine what the last year of your life has been like, and I am SO grateful that you felt safe enough to come back to the board and to ask for support. We ALL need reminding of how easily we could each choose to be back in an affair.

I think it has become somewhat of a mantra around here that going NC is only the first step; healing the wounds that precipitated the affair is what's going to keep us from ever making that choice again. My bet is that you had been working so hard to just get through each day without making contact, that there was little time or energy to invest in the deep introspection you needed to be in a stronger place when he started to fish. I think this is what newbies need to keep in mind - our reality checks, our fog-blowing words-of-truth may at times seem unkind, but they are about getting real, resolved and determined to move through the grief over the loss of the fantasy, toward a focus on the potential loss of one's REAL LIFE. Because, when they come fishing (as they often do), we MUST be in a different place emotionally & mentally if you/we are going to withstand the contact (or not cave to our own cravings). Time alone WILL not heal.

Not that you don't know that, just a good place to remind some of our newer members.

AND boy oh boy, are you going to be an amazing addition (again) to this community. NOTHING is more valuable as experience - so don't let your hurting be for not, share your wisdom, strengths and insights. While you may becoming back to this board more wounded, I just bet you'll find the road to healing faster because of where you are MENTALLY beginning from.

Much love,

TU.

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