Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Help
10
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 11:07pm
I want to contact him. Not been a good day. This is not going well. Talk to me. Please.
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 11:40pm
Sunrise,
I am here. Please know that you are a very special person and you in no way deserve the manipulation that falling back into the trap of the A brings. Yes, you are sad, and yes, you have pain from ending it. Missing him...well, you do miss the "feelings" that the A brought you. I thought both of my exAP's were my friends, but in fact, they were not. I miss the "illusion" of what I thought I had as a friendship with them. They did not care about me, who I am as a person. They may have said the "right" words to try and keep me believing it (and it worked for 2 years the first time around, but only 7 weeks the second time). Sunrise, I am not too familiar with your story, but this I do know -you did the right thing for having posted here for help. There is help here, Sunrise. And yes, most, if not all of us have gone through the sucky painful withdrawal symptoms...missing "it" (not really him, but we think it is him) and just plain being sad. Empty. You need to fill that emptiness with something healthy for you. Positive things. Write down a list of what makes your heart sing. That is what I did, and it helped me alot. Please keep checking in here, Sunrise. I am pulling for you. :)

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: sunrise
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 11:41pm
Hi sunrise, you have come so far, and you will get through this. What do you think has triggered these feelings today? Why do you want to contact him? What do you want to hear him say and where would that lead? If your daughters were in your shoes right now, what would you say to them?

You are a wonderful, compassionate woman and you have to protect yourself from more pain with as much strength and determination as you would protect anyone else you love.

Big hugs

Kat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 12:07am
(((sunrise))

I'm typing this from my phone so pls excuse the short response. Sunrise u have to aware of the fact that this will be very painful right now, but I promise u it will get better. Remember what goes up must come down, u are withdrawing from the A drug, hitting the lows one experiences after the highs. This is a phase sunrise, u will have to be strong for yourself and your family, hr by hr, day by day. Think of the motions of breaking NC and where u will be, back into that dark, nauseating life again, back to the lying and stealing from your family, for what gain??? Validation/attention from another messed up individual? Sunrise, your A expired and lucky for you with less impact on your family, it's time for u to get out of the darkness and move on to live an honorable life.

V888
xxxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 12:46am
Sunrise...speaking from 3 months and 2 weeks out HANG ON!!! It will get better and easier, I promise...and you will feel better and healthier and more free than you have for a long time. Don't give in, you are on your way to healing...I'm with you and I know you'll be stong...hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 1:25am

Oh Sunrise

Boy do I know that problem. You have great responses so far. Its true- these feelings are sucky! But they are feelings of sadness and loss for the FEELINGS you felt- not the man himself or the reality of what was happening or going to happen.

Your exAP made you feel special, wanted, powerful, secretive - and made you feel a connection with someone based on a mutual secret- this in itself is a powerful feeling.

But remember the bad times honey, the lies, the deciept, the crap, the deep knowledge that this was wrong and only going to hurt everyone in the end.

Punch that fantasy in the face and FORCE yourself to look at what it actually was!!! DO NOT break NC. DO NOT go back to the crap reality. You will get through this.

You did great by coming here xxxx

Iggy

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 9:56am

Hi Sunrise,

I am only 7 days out with total NC. But I have the experience to tell you that you DON'T want to go back there. I went back after over 100 days NC last year. I am crawling back now... more broken than before. It is sooooo NOT worth it, because it does NOT change. It may start off with the same excitemnt...but very quickly will bring you to the place where you were when you reached out to the board...and we all know that was NOT a pretty place to be in.

Iggy...wow, LOVE that statement you made, and for me it resonantes...the POWER of being his secret and having my own. I MUST have been special... Such lies we tell ourselves, the CRAP we push aside for the sake of a moment of "power" that in all reality we don't even have.

Saty strong Sunrise, you are not alone in your pain...REFOCUS and REPROGRAM your thoughts...it is so hard to do...but sooo necessary!

Hugs

Healing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 12:35pm
Dear Sunrise,

You have received lots of amazing love & support for not breaking NC to protect yourself, to support & allow yourself to heal.

I am going to therefore come at the issue from another perspective - as the one who has had to cope with the selfish & entitled behavior of my xAP and his constant fishing.

THE AFFAIR IS OVER. If you can't find your own worth right now (which is SO hard when it's been eroded from your actions in the affair - and likely long before) THEN PLEASE care about the lives of all those around you - INCLUDING THE INNOCENT FAMILY MEMBERS CONNECTED TO xAP. DO NOT act as a drug pusher who can't let go.

LEAVE HIM ALONE to move on with his life. I would have thought SO much better of my xAP had he at least shown me a LITTLE bit of respect by LEAVING ME THE 'EFF ALONE.

Too much to expect though from someone who I taught to treat me so badly.

So ... please don't degrade yourself, or anyone else any further.

Be the mom you want to be, the human being you want to be ...

and LET GO ...

Hugs,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 3:32pm

Sunrise, you might want to try this:

So you want to talk to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2011
In reply to: sunrise
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 3:40pm

I love your advice Melinda!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 3:44pm

LBP glad u liked it!

:)