I need to vent...

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
I need to vent...
4
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 5:38pm

I posted this earlier today but somehow it never showed up..which just added to my lovely mood.

Ok, here is my disclaimer: I am writing this with a very small amount of "rational" brain cells. I am pretty much trying to convince myself I have no problem right now...even though I lashed out at ds and smacked him...great mom I am...

I saw the tdoc yesterday. I'm officially bipolar, YIPPEEEE! (not!). She never really said Peg, you're bipolar. It was basically: you have a mood disorder and have to get some meds to control the racing thoughts, lack of sleep and hyperactivity. I also don't think the bupropion is working for you". I of course questioned this as long as I could so I didn't have to do the work we were scheduled to do. I asked how she can tell what is a normal response and reaction to the work we are doing and everyday life vs. a mood disorder. She said "well, sometimes it is very hard to tease these things out. Sometimes you never do" there was a dramatic pause then "but, most people deal with the issue and move on" and continued to tell me that when you work with someone and establish a long term relationship it is easy to see the cycles and she said "there is more going on with you, I've worked long enough to see it in you." So, the pdoc adventure is on. I started calling a pdoc last week and FINALLY got a return phone call today. I still don't have an appointment, but they took my information. She said probably the first or second week of July. I also called a pdoc about an hour away and she can't get me in until the end of August. I liked the office when I called, but I guess I should go to the one who can see me sooner. I expect I will be fine by then but what the h*ll do I know. This just all ticks me off...I know I can hold it together- I've been way more depressed than this and I've been way more manic than this. I can't say that I remember being in a mixed state before and I have to admit this is not fun but the whole medication scene scares me. The side effects can really be annoying and harmful. I hate them. I want to just stay on the bupropion, up it (I don't think it's helping a lot...I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have in a long time) and if I'm manic take some xanax to chill me out. Some of the meds can mess with your liver or kidneys- not good for me because I'm already prone to that stuff with the lupus. Some cause rashes- great, I'll add another one to the three I already have from the lupus. Some cause your hair to fall out- already have a start on the from the lupus. Lithium is messed up by NSAIDS- guess what I take to help with the lupus? you got it NSAIDS. Vision problems a side effect? Great, just add another eye exam and see how fast I can go blind...I already am prone to retinal toxicity because of my lupus medication. The thing that really ticks me off is that I can control myself most of the time. Why not all the time? I also know that this will all pass. It always does...I should just suck it up and it will be over soon enough. I am also having some majorly wicked flashbacks from my sexual abuse over the last two days...which is messin with my mind even more.

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!! This FREEKIN S*CKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 8:33am

Hey Peg...let's talk. k, so you are BP. Good, got the dx. Now, lets talk about meds...I too, HATE HATE HATE HATE meds, and am off them right now...except for Buproprion and Ativan (like Xanax). I'm seemingly doing okay, except for the WICKED depression, but that's just reactions to life sitations and crap being thrown in my face day after day. However, it took me a long time to get to this place. I know I'm going to get SO blasted for this, but I'm not going back on psych meds...I truly believe the psych meds made me worse. For the first time in 4.5 years, I can FEEL again. I am not a NUMBED OUT FREAKING ZOMBIE like creature who STILL cycles!!! BP meds caused me my marriage, and 4.5 years of my life. Not that I'm blaming BP for everything bad thing that ever went wrong. I'm not. But now that I've been apart from my dh for 6 weeks, I see things much more clearly. Freaking meds took my life. I won't live like that anymore. But that is so my personal decision.

I'm SOOOO not telling you to not take meds. I am telling you that I understand. I also have Fibromyalgia or something...they still aren't sure if its both Fibro and RA, or what. But I'm in a lot of physical pain too all the time. It was at its worst when I was on Lithium too, lol.

Anyway, there comes a point...where you have to know in your own mind whether or not meds are the right answer for YOU. If I get all cracked out again, I will go back on meds. But for now, I'm not going to take them. I am seriously depressed though...and the Bupropion doesn't seem to be doing a lot...but I think its keeping a lot of suicidal stuff at bay...Mixed episodes are the HARDEST to control on your own. Talk to your pdoc very very honestly about everything you JUST said here.

As for the abuse flashbacks...when they happen to me...and I end up in a huge panic attack (every time) I take Ativan. So at least get an anti-anxiety med. I couldn't live w/o my Ativan. I hate the flashbacks. I'm sorry you're having them.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
In reply to: peg_t
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:55pm
Hi Peg - I won't ask how are you cause I already read it. This is one of the reasons I feel such I connection with you - you think like I do! Since I've only been to tdoc once, meds hasn't even come up but it's causing major anxiety beforehand. I went on Wellbutrin once through my IM for "stress" (denial) and I had major hives after 2 weeks, Serzone seriously screwed up my liver (I am getting a tiny settlement from the class action, but no perm damage, thank goodness) and Buspar put me to sleep. I am dreading when the meds jazz comes up. My cousin has lupus and it's been hell for her, I never knew how terrible it was, or anything about it really, until she told me. I too feel I can control it mostly and like you, I kind of like the mania bit mostly. I've got to say, when I read your post about doing the list with the tdoc, dang. Scared me! I will need much more time before I could do that and I admire your bravery for being able to go there, a lot! Hugs Always, Kelli





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Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 2:59pm

Hi Keli,

Thanks for the reply. I struggle so much with the med thing. I HATE that I have to take meds for the lupus...and I shouldn't...I've been very lucky so far- I've only had to take steroids once and rarely use the NSAIDS. I do have to take the antimalarial drugs every day though (last visit to the rheumy I asked if we could cut the dose in half and he flat out said NO WAY- oh well, I tried).

It took me over a year of therapy to get medication for depression. My tdoc was trying to get me to get some since I started with her. I only asked my PCP about two months ago for something. Started with Paxil CR- very bad reaction- very out of it and very disconnected from reality at times. Stopped everything then went back the the pcp for a lupus problem and she recommended the bupropion. I was started at 75mg and I'm now up to 150mg. I need more...I'm still kind of a wreck.

I will do the best I can to keep myself off of other meds. I can't expect the pdoc to agree though. I will just have to wait until I get an appointment and see what he has to say. I hope he just ups the bupropion and we see what happens.

Ok, the abuse flashbacks...they just plain suck. I think about the abuse at times but it's just thoughts. There are other times, unfortunatly usually while dh and I are being intimate, when I just freak. I can't say or do anything because I don't ever want dh to know I have this problem. The other night I went into the bathroom and just sobbed uncontrolably. I was having such a flashback that I just wanted to push him away and scream, but, that is not really good for your love life. So, I put on the act and dissociate as much as I can. As you may be able to figure out by this, I haven't quite dealt with this issue in therapy yet. PTSD is not fun.

Some day I will get over all of this. I can't change the past or the fact that I have bp. I will learn how to deal with it all. I have survived this long.

Thanks again,
Peg

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 3:09pm

Hi Kelli,

The whole med thing is a huge issue for me, although I'm getting much better with it. You should see how radical I get when the developmental ped. tells me I have to put ds(8) on meds! I may have to concede next school year, but I will go down with a huge fight. This poor pdoc (if I ever get an appointment) has no idea what he is up against LOL. He will wonder why I'm even there...I will tell him flat out I don't want anything more than an increase of what I have now. I will promise him that if I have serious mania problems I'll call and go on mood stabilizers. I'll probably lose, but I'll sure try my case!

The tdoc list was just handed in about a month ago. We only started working on it two weeks ago. We've made it through 4 items out of about 25 and we are very stuck on one right now...I have to revisit it again on Tues. I'm struggling with it already and we haven't even gotten to the worst things. It's just that the item we are stuck on is something NO ONE but I knew about. When I told tdoc this, she asked why I even wrote it down. I told her I don't want to deal with it but I have so much shi* in my head that if I don't start getting it out and dealing with it I'll explode. I know I will never get better if I don't own my past and deal with it. The bp makes this so much harder to do. She knows she has to go slowly with me- she apologized two weeks ago because she thought we went too fast and did too much the visit before because I had such a bad reaction after I left. Oh, well, I'll make it through, just like all of us will with each other's support.

Thanks for being here for me.

Peg