I got some clarity this weekend
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I got some clarity this weekend
| Mon, 03-07-2011 - 10:09am |
Spend a lot of time thinking and reading EAS this weekend, and I came to some realizations.... When I miss xAP I'm not actually missing him...I'm missing the way the A made me feel. He is JAM. the A made me feel loved, validated, important. XAP never really cared about me. He never asked me about my day, my kids, my plans, nothing. Anytime we talked it was always about him. Like we had no REAL connection...I was trying to create one by always talking to him about HIS life. He could care less about my world. The biggest thing I came to terms with is what I have done to my life. I will always be an adulteress. I can crawl past the pain, fix my M, get back in tune with my kids, but I will forever be the woman who cheated on her H. The truth hurts. I chose this path, and I will have to carry it for the rest of my life. Thanks so much to the vets on this board. I see everyday that I can get past this and get on with my life...the life I planned 27 years ago with DH.

Brava, BC. Your realization is spot on. Affairs are all about "how they made us feel." The thing is though, we twisted it up inside of our heads that it somehow validated us, that we must be all that if XAP was going to take such risks just to be with us. Those risks were taken (on both sides), not because we were star struck lovers that were meant to be together, but because it was the only way the A could continue; underground and in secret. That has very little to do with love, and everything to do with getting our selfish needs met.
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You will see that in time...and I am talking about many months down the road, you will finally be able to forgive yourself for what you have done. Many M gals have returned to talk about how happy they are now, (I have been here for 7, so I have read this numerous times.... and that time is the healer, and when you reinvest yourself back into your RL, the mind/heart connection will eventually work things out to where you won't look at yourself so harshly. You will come to terms that you are only human and as humans, we are a long shot from being perfect.
Wow.
Hi BC,
A belated welcome to EAS. I’ve read many of your posts. Glad you are in MC. Are you in IC (Individual counseling)?
You’ve come to some good realizations about what the A/xAP was and more importantly what the A/xAP was not. Many of us poured emotions into the A but the label(s) we placed on those emotions during the A were not always accurate. Time and clarity gives us all a better assessment.
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Why did you allow the conversations to be only about him? Is this the modus operandi other R’s in your life follow? This ma be something good to explore and journal about.
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I am a FORMER WS (wandering spouse) a FORMER adulteress. One moment and time in my life does not define who I am. I agree with Iddy. It will take some time out and walking a different path before you can see yourself in a different light. Forgiveness is key. Forgiving ourselves is usually one of the last and hardest steps in healing.
I hope instead of the labels you have used for yourself that you will consider that you are no longer on that journey and chose a label that will difine your new path. You are now on a journey of healing. Why not look at yourself as a work in progress? You are clay in a potter’s hands which gives you endless new possibilites. You are shaping yourself and your M into a healthy vessel that will be able to weather storms without crumbling. Define yourself and your M based on the work you and your H are doing now!
Hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi, I am jumping in here, new, unsure of the etiquette and guessing at the lingo! But I wanted to say what a big difference reading these few exchanges, courtesy of googling
Hi Daisy,
Big hugs and welcome to EAS. If you start a new discussion, and post your story there, I'm sure you will have lots of offers of advice and support soon. The Healing Library is a wonderful place to start reading
Thank you Kat, how do I navigate to the healing library?
Daisy
This link should take you to the healing library. http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/EAS/ct-p/iv-rlending#iv-rlending-2
This "Affair contract" had a profound impact on me http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/The-Healing-Library/Would-You-Sign-This/td-p/107968934