I got some clarity this weekend

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
I got some clarity this weekend
10
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 10:09am
Spend a lot of time thinking and reading EAS this weekend, and I came to some realizations.... When I miss xAP I'm not actually missing him...I'm missing the way the A made me feel. He is JAM. the A made me feel loved, validated, important. XAP never really cared about me. He never asked me about my day, my kids, my plans, nothing. Anytime we talked it was always about him. Like we had no REAL connection...I was trying to create one by always talking to him about HIS life. He could care less about my world. The biggest thing I came to terms with is what I have done to my life. I will always be an adulteress. I can crawl past the pain, fix my M, get back in tune with my kids, but I will forever be the woman who cheated on her H. The truth hurts. I chose this path, and I will have to carry it for the rest of my life. Thanks so much to the vets on this board. I see everyday that I can get past this and get on with my life...the life I planned 27 years ago with DH.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 10:26am
Hi Blue:-) You have had some great clarity into what the A gave you for a time. Starting to come to these realizations is an excellant step to take and will open yourself up to learning so much more on your healing journey. I can also relate to the pain of being the person who had an affair in my then marriage, I accept fully my actions during that time and also know there is so much more to me than that action. I admire your strength and determination to live the life you planned with further knowledge of who you are:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 10:46am

Brava, BC. Your realization is spot on. Affairs are all about "how they made us feel." The thing is though, we twisted it up inside of our heads that it somehow validated us, that we must be all that if XAP was going to take such risks just to be with us. Those risks were taken (on both sides), not because we were star struck lovers that were meant to be together, but because it was the only way the A could continue; underground and in secret. That has very little to do with love, and everything to do with getting our selfish needs met.

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You will see that in time...and I am talking about many months down the road, you will finally be able to forgive yourself for what you have done. Many M gals have returned to talk about how happy they are now, (I have been here for 7, so I have read this numerous times.... and that time is the healer, and when you reinvest yourself back into your RL, the mind/heart connection will eventually work things out to where you won't look at yourself so harshly. You will come to terms that you are only human and as humans, we are a long shot from being perfect.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
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Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 10:55am

Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 12:39pm

Hi BC,

A belated welcome to EAS. I’ve read many of your posts. Glad you are in MC. Are you in IC (Individual counseling)?

You’ve come to some good realizations about what the A/xAP was and more importantly what the A/xAP was not. Many of us poured emotions into the A but the label(s) we placed on those emotions during the A were not always accurate. Time and clarity gives us all a better assessment.

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Why did you allow the conversations to be only about him? Is this the modus operandi other R’s in your life follow? This ma be something good to explore and journal about.

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I am a FORMER WS (wandering spouse) a FORMER adulteress. One moment and time in my life does not define who I am. I agree with Iddy. It will take some time out and walking a different path before you can see yourself in a different light. Forgiveness is key. Forgiving ourselves is usually one of the last and hardest steps in healing.

I hope instead of the labels you have used for yourself that you will consider that you are no longer on that journey and chose a label that will difine your new path. You are now on a journey of healing. Why not look at yourself as a work in progress? You are clay in a potter’s hands which gives you endless new possibilites. You are shaping yourself and your M into a healthy vessel that will be able to weather storms without crumbling. Define yourself and your M based on the work you and your H are doing now!

Hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 2:03pm
Thanks so much to everyone who has responded. This is going to be a long road back. I understand the importance of not labeling myself. However, at this point, I really feel it is necessary in order for me to grasp the magnitude of what I have done. I do work with xAP, therefore I am only LC. I have been working at this for only a couple of weeks now. Not always easy, as I'm sure you all know. I have fallen backwards and had conversations with him, only to hurt so much more later. But it seems now that I truly understand what my A was about, it is easier to look at him thru different eyes. He wasn't anything I thought he was. He was an avenue I took to avoid the issues in my M. I haven't started IC. I need to, I know, but right now I'm just trying to wrap my head around ending and where I go from here .....how to continue working with him. And I have to admit, I am sad. I feel like I have lost something. But I am ready to dig in and do the work that is so necessary to protect my H and my kids. The very thought of the look in their eyes, if they found out, would just devastate me. That in itself is motivation to move forward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 6:00pm
I really liked this message, Empowerment! I totally agree that we shouldn't label ourselves and let it define who we are. Bravo to BC and all who are doing this hard work of getting real with ourselves, T and moving on.
Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 8:12pm

Hi, I am jumping in here, new, unsure of the etiquette and guessing at the lingo! But I wanted to say what a big difference reading these few exchanges, courtesy of googling

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 9:28pm

Hi Daisy,

Big hugs and welcome to EAS. If you start a new discussion, and post your story there, I'm sure you will have lots of offers of advice and support soon. The Healing Library is a wonderful place to start reading

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 10:07pm

Thank you Kat, how do I navigate to the healing library?

Daisy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 11:21pm

This link should take you to the healing library. http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/EAS/ct-p/iv-rlending#iv-rlending-2

This "Affair contract" had a profound impact on me http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/The-Healing-Library/Would-You-Sign-This/td-p/107968934