Sorry I've been so quiet - Poss. trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Sorry I've been so quiet - Poss. trigs
9
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 7:40pm

Hi everyone. I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately. This mess with xh has really messed me up. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm this strong individual and I can handle it. Well, the truth is I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am and I'm not handling it well at all.


I saw tdoc briefly yesterday and the topic of cutting came up. I got around that one. Then she started on about my weight. I've lost 6 pounds in the matter of 5 days. I'm not eating, which went over real well with her...NOT.


So I have to agree to start eating even if I have no appetite. I had to box up my knives and blades to give to her on Tuesday when she'll be in the office next.


I just want this mess with my ex would be over. I was doing ok before all this came to the surface. And I believed what people told me about being strong. I have since figured out that I'm not that strong. There's nothing pdoc can do because this is situational not chemical. I just wish I was as strong as everyone says I am.


Anyway, thanks for listening.


Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
My heart goes out to you! I know I get sick and tired of being "strong" when that's the last thing I feel or care about being. Many hugs, thoughts and wishes to you. Kelli





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Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003

Traci,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I could help you. I totally understand the urge to cut- please try to hold on. I know the feeling you get when you cut is very inviting, but please don't. Give the blades and knives to a friend or neighbor to hold until you see the tdoc again. It sounds like your tdoc is very good and cares about your safety and well being.

I am sure you are a strong person. You have hit a rough spot but you will make it through. We are all here to help in any way that we can.

Go have a bowl of ice cream and watch a funny movie to try to help your mood- even if it's just for a few minutes. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm making light of the situation. I know in the past week I've really struggled so I've forced myself to watch something funny and it has helped a little. I prefer stupid shows like "Whose Line Is It Anyway".

Please take care.
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005

Traci I'm sorry you're going through this! It's good that your tdoc is taking the knives/razors away but did she/he give any advice for what else to do? What are hard thing to deal with, I can't imagine. Please don't hurt yourself you dont deserve it!

Stay strong,
Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006

Thanks Meg. The advice she gave me was that if the urge gets worse to call her immediately. If worse comes to worse, she has agreed to meet me somewhere to surrender everything. She also suggested meditation and visual imagery which I'm not very good at, but will try if need be.


I've been here before and what worries me is it almost got me hospitalized. For me, that's just not an option as I'm a single mom raising 3 kids. It's just not condusive to have a break down right now. And I hate my ex for the situation I'm in. If he'd have just honored his obligations to his children, I wouldn't be in this mess.


Thanks for your confidence.


Hugs,
Traci

Avatar for missyflanders
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

(((((Hugs Traci)))))).

I wish I can offer you some words of wisdom on how to get through this, but I seem to have lost hope in the whole system. I know that you are strong to have gotten this far. You will do what you have to for your kids, no matter what the outcome. Your ex h should pay you more, and I sincerely hope he HAS to and that he DOES. My prayers are with you and your family.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005

oh my dear traci....girl you are strong !!!

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003

Thanks Donna. I actually got a chance to get really angry at him last night. My mistake was I turned my anger inward which is not a good thing. I couldn't turn my knives in to tdoc today 'cause she wasn't in the office. She'll be in tomorrow and I will hand them over. I just wish this mess would be over. It's taking its toll on me mentally and physically. I got on the scales today and I"m down another 2 pounds. I'm trying to eat, but it's really hard now. I feel like I'm gonna get sick everytime I eat. I will keep trying to hold it together. I just don't think I'm doing a very good job. But it's all I can do for now. Sorry if this is a little disjointed. My thoughts are kind of scrambled right now.


Thanks again my friend.


Love U,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003

Thank you everyone for your support and words of encouragement. I'm trying to stay strong and not let xh win, but it's hard. I will see tdoc tomorrow and give her all my knives. Now I just have to find a way to stomach food again. She is really on my case about that one. And a friend told me that if I drop a certain amount of weight, they can hospitalize me and stick a tube in my nose to feed me. Not what I want so I'm trying to eat.


Again, thank you for your understanding and encouragement.


Hugs,
Traci

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003

Traci,

Do you have a tdoc appointment just to hand over the blades or are you scheduled for a "full" visit (talk therapy)? I hope that you can see her and that she can help you out a little more.

Have you tried to drink milk shakes or instant breakfast drinks? You could also try high protien "boost" drinks or ensure. I know when I don't want to eat, drinking things like that is a little easier and they are full of nutrients, calories and protein (except for the milk shakes). I hope you are able to get some nurishment in you soon so you don't have the threat of tube feeding adding more stress.

Take care of yourself, please.

Peg