Traci and Meg...

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Traci and Meg...
9
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 11:47am

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you both and hoping you are both well.

Traci- I hope that you are feeling a little better and that you are safe. I wish there was some way I could help but the only thing I can do is listen and let you know I understand and I'm here for you in any way I can be.

Meg- I hope your medication is helping you and that you are feeling a little more comfortable with your dx. Let me know how you are doing.

Hugs,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
In reply to: peg_t
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 6:34pm

Hey Peg-

I've just been all over the place this weekend. I think my mood is changing more often than before plus I've started having mixed states. It's weird to want to laugh/cry/scream at the same time. I'm a lot angrier too since I started the meds, I've been really snappy which isn't me at all. I don't know, I don't really see an improvement. The seroquel is just like sedation and I hate taking it. It takes me about 2 hours just to get my eyes to open in the morning, but I just feel numbed. Oh well. Oh and I want ice cream ALL the time. I mean I used to be a big ice creamer in manic times but now it's all the time. I'm gonna blow up like a blowfish. (Advice anyone?) I dunno, when I got diagnosed it was like... finally, a reason why I've never felt quite "right" all my life! But now I'm back to thinking that's just the way I am and now I won't even have the good times anymore.

As for accepting it... I've decided that if I'm gonna be 80 and still wanting to bungee jump, hey that isn't half bad, right? Actually I think my friends/family are even less accepting than me, if that's possible.

Anyway thanks for checking in! How are you doing, did you have a good weekend?

Meg

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 8:43pm

Hi Meg,

Sorry you are having such a tough time with the meds and mood changes. I agree that the mixed states are the pits. I think I've been in one for a few weeks now (either that or I'm seriously rapid cycling). I've never been on seroquel but paxil totally numbed me emotionally- I was so dissociated from life that it scared me- and I'm an expert at dissociation/depersonalization.

Don't you have a pdoc appt. tomorrow morning? I thought you said you do, but maybe I'm thinking of someone esle. If you don't have one, maybe you should call your pdoc and tell him/her about how you feel. Maybe the meds need to be changed or something. I would think it would be important for you to let them know about any mood changes- especially if they are negative and very uncharacteristic for you.

Can't help you with the ice cream craving...maybe that's why most bp meds cause weight gains...they give you wicked cravings for junk food...

I think accepting this diagnosis is very challenging. It's like you said- finally you have an answer, but at the same time, the answer stinks. It's hard when your family is not believing the diagnosis. I'm still working on getting dh to understand that this exists (even though, like you, I question it all the time and feel that "this is just the way I am").

As for my weekend, it's going ok. I'm a little annoyed that I didn't get all of my painting done or get to the gym. My parents stopped by unexpectedly (my parents are a MAJOR TRIGGER for me) so I had to stop working and play the part of daughter. I'm trying to keep busy, partly to burn off energy and partly to keep me from my thoughts- cuz the last two days have provided me with some big triggers. DH and I went to a wedding and reception Sat. afternoon. It was nice. We sat with some of our neighbors and one got totally drunk and made a fool out of herself- it was funny. All in all it was a nice weekend.

Well, I have to put my living room back together and force myself to sit down and eat. Have a good night. Let me know if you call your pdoc or have an appt. I just want to make sure you are ok and taking care of yourself.

Hugs,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
In reply to: peg_t
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 11:11pm
Peg, what are you painting? Are you a painter?? I've always wanted to paint but I've never been so good at it, although I make my best attempt in manic times ;) I'm sorry your parents are such a pain for you. I can feel for you, I still live with mine!!! My dad's always screaming at me when I'm manic, my brother gets scared of me and my mom will never leave my side in case I make bad choices!! I guess that's what family is for huh? Well, I do have another pdoc appt in the morning so I'll let you know how it goes. Have a great night! Meg
Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 11:46pm

Meg,

Unfortunately, I'm just painting my house. If I could turn the hall lights on I'd finish tonight but I annoy my family enough and painting while the kids are sleeping isn't a good idea. I just painted the banister leading upstairs in the dark though...while crying...I can't wait to see what that looks like in the morning LOL!

One day I will learn to stand up to my parents- hopefully before they die. My mom is becoming very manipulative with my kids although she wouldn't see it that way. Everything is my issues, my fault- I misunderstand everything and take everything the wrong way. Or, she gets so upset I feel horribly guilty...ugh...one day my dd will be on this board writing about her bp mother that screwed up her life...and the cycle continues...

When I get a break at work I'll try to hop on the computer to see how you are doing and how the appointment went. I have a CPR training course from 8-4 but we should get a break somewhere along the way. If not, I'll check in on you when I get home.

Take care...and remember to tell the pdoc what you posted earlier about the mood changes, etc.

Good night, well almost morning...

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 4:47pm

Peg,


I wish I could say I was feeling better, but I'm not. I am staying safe and will turn over my knives to tdoc tomorrow. I appreciate your support and encouragement. Thank you.


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
In reply to: peg_t
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:02pm

Peg, how does your banister look? Painting while crying... lol. I can't believe your CPR class took so long, how was it? I took one last week (for the job I no longer have) and it only took 45 minutes!

I wouldn't worry about your daughter blaming you for ruining her life because you have BP. The way I see it, all daugthers blame their mothers for ruining their lives in some ways, BP or not.

As for the pdoc, he didn't say all that much. I can't believe I pay a $30 copay for a 10 minute appt. This BP is going to take up every penny I make! Anyway, he just said to hang in there and see how it goes another week... he has my mom come to appts with me, first of all because he says I shouldn't drive yet, and secondly because she's supposed to be "observing me". It's really annoying, I mean I guess in some ways it helps but I feel like I can't say as much with her around. He asked if I ever had suicidal thoughts... well I wasn't going to say yes with my mom in the room! And I hate to describe how bad the depression is in front of her, it's just not fair to her. And then we leave and I'm like, "I wish he would just see me and not both of us, technically I am an adult!" Then of course she feels bad, I feel bad for making her feel bad, am triggered into depression... you know the drill.

So anyway, he said to keep taking the seroquel and to come in next week to find out whether or not it's time to up the lamictal. I'm ready to get it in my system so I can quiet seroquel, it's making me hungry!!!

Hope you had a good day.
Meg

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:29pm

Traci,

I was hoping that you were feeling a little better today; I'm sorry you are not. I am glad that you are safe, though. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I don't have any magic words that will lift your spirits or take your pain and frustration away.

Please know you are on my mind and in my prayers. Let me know how the tdoc goes tomorrow- hopefully that will help a little.

Huge cyber hugs,
Peg

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:43pm

Hey Meg,

The banister doesn't look that great. I need to put a second coat on it and fix the places I missed. It's hard to see through teary eyes LOL.

The CPR class took less time than it was supposed to but it was still too long. We ended up going from 8:30-1:30. We watched a very boring video and did all the hands on stuff. We learned CPR, rescue breathing and how to help a choking victim. We took the tests and we were finally done. Tomorrow's class is First Aid. It is supposed to be all day but the instructor said we should be able to get out of there in two or three hours. I wasn't supposed to go because I have a 1:00 tdoc appointment but now that it is shorter, I'm taking it.

As for my dd, dh and I have a counseling fund for our kids instead of college funds ;-)

Sorry to hear that the pdoc appt didn't prove much. I'm very surprised that your mom stays with you the whole time. At my tdoc, they take the parent before or after the patient or they all meet together and then the parent leaves so the child has time to speak in private with the tdoc. Maybe you could suggest that to your pdoc for your next appointment. I think it is important for you to feel like you can tell him everything on your mind. I would hate to think that something got missed or unchecked because you didn't feel comfortable talking to him while your mom was there. You could also write down the things you do not want to discuss in front of your mom and give them to him in a note. Let him know that these are symptoms you don't wan't your mom to hear and maybe he will automatically ask her to leave you alone for a while.

I hope that this week on the meds goes well and you are able to up your Lamictal. Maybe you will be able to get rid of those munchies!

My day went pretty well. I haven't cried yet although I got close. I painted the trim in the powder room (we just had a new floor installed today) and put the border up in the living room. I also got a chance to pick up a hammock for us to give dh for Father's Day. I only have to get the kids to the Picture People for a photo and then Father's Day is taken care of. Thanks for asking about me.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: peg_t
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:54pm

Thanks Peg. I won't actually be "meeting" with tdoc tomorrow. I am just going to her office