Just triggers is all...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Just triggers is all...
6
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:00am

I am more depressed than I EVER have been before. I spent the entire weekend on my mom's couch, not moving. Except to feed her...give her a shot. She asked me why I didn't talk anymore. I just said I have nothing to say. She thinks I'm mad at her. Its not her or anyone, but myself. I hate myself more than anyone could ever know. I wanted to die, I thought about it a lot...I'll never do it, so don't anyone say go I/P, cuz I won't. My mother is right. I am paralyzed by this depression. I don't talk to anyone...I know they think I'm a freak. I don't leave my house, I CAN'T leave my house. I barely shower, wash my hair, etc. I come to work because if I don't I will get fired and I'm the only support I have for my son. I am counting down days til he graduates high school and he's in 10th grade.

I don't have a single friend left here IRL, unless you count my male friends. And of course, they are my manic male friends...so you know what that means. I don't even talk to them anymore.

I talk to my husband, who is or isn't a husband anymore...from time to time, and all I can do is cry...he tells me to pray. I have lost faith.

I miss my dog.

My mom said last night when I was leaving and I made her a sandwich...she said I hadn't eaten the whole time I was there. But I had, here and there...not much though. Right now, food is the only thing I can control, and dammit, I have to have control over something. I hate myself enough, please let me starve and get skinny again...maybe someone will love me then.

I know I'm messed up...you can say it, I won't get mad.

I cry ALL the time, ALL the time...right now too. I'm sick of it. Freaking meds aren't helping.

I talked to one of my manic male friends this morning and he said i have to "just plan something fun...just remember what you enjoy doing..." I can't remember ANYTHING. That's just plain sad.

Gotta meeting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:26am

I am going through a deep depression myself and probably wouldn't have anything good to say. I know my depression will pass at some point and yours will too. You have a lot of changes that have happened to you. Anyone who isn't bipolar would have a hard time with what you are going through, tho with the bipolar it hightens the feelings. I know for me it does with the changes I am about to face and dealing with my SA.

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:52am

Not much to say here...just wanted to give both of you big


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


wish there was something i could do/say to help you guys...but I know there's not...


just know we are here for you and keep posting


love u

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God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.

"You win some, you lose some, you wreck some." -- Dale Earnhardt"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing." – Rabbi Hillel



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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 11:59am
Hey Keli. You are really in "the hole" right now. I've been there too and hate that place - it actually made me agoraphobic. When I was that bad, I did just the same as you. Feeling that isolated is terrible and I would be there just from missing my dogs alone, let alone all the other crap (challenges in PC-ville) you are going through. I am sad because one of my few BF's is not talking to me anymore, nearly 2 weeks now, because I am "just too much". Well, screw it and screw her, I say. Not much of friend to begin with, I guess. I am your friend though and you can never be too much or too little of anything for me. Depressed, manic, I'll take it all! My oldest is moving to Orlando and going to college in August and I cannot, cannot wait. Bad mother, I know but I am ready for her to get on with her life so I can reclaim some of mine. Kids can be a crushing responsibility - but no one ever talks about it because then we, the mothers, look bad. My sick leave ends tomorrow and then it's back to the bill-paying grind for me as well. Here's BIG HUGS for you, I'll be thinking of you - Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 4:37pm
Keli your depression sounds all too familiar and I'm sorry you're stuck in it right now. The weird thing (to me anyway) about bipolar is that the depressed times last for ETERNITY! and the manic times just fly by. I don't know what to tell you because I haven't even figured out what helps me when I'm depressed, but stay strong!! It will pass eventually.
Meg
Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:33pm

Keli,

You are in such a hard spot right now. You have so many things that are challenges. Taking care of your mother is a noble thing to do but it is draining. Taking care of my MIL is what started the depression/mixed state I've been in since Sept. I have gone to about 4 doctors to see what is causing my weight loss- no one can figure it out. I have thought about it a lot and I know it is from not eating enough or eating inconsistently. I just haven't admitted it to myself or my tdoc. I hope that you are able to find the strenght to nourish yourself both physically and mentally. I would love to say something to at least put a smile on your face but nothing is coming to mind...I just feel for you and wish I could help you in some way.

You need to hold your ground and not fall any deeper. Stay strong; we are here for you.

Hugs,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:49pm

Keli,


Don't be too hard on yourself--a lot of this is situational--perfectly "normal" people get this depressed when going through a divorce/breakup.