Just triggers is all...
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:00am |
I am more depressed than I EVER have been before. I spent the entire weekend on my mom's couch, not moving. Except to feed her...give her a shot. She asked me why I didn't talk anymore. I just said I have nothing to say. She thinks I'm mad at her. Its not her or anyone, but myself. I hate myself more than anyone could ever know. I wanted to die, I thought about it a lot...I'll never do it, so don't anyone say go I/P, cuz I won't. My mother is right. I am paralyzed by this depression. I don't talk to anyone...I know they think I'm a freak. I don't leave my house, I CAN'T leave my house. I barely shower, wash my hair, etc. I come to work because if I don't I will get fired and I'm the only support I have for my son. I am counting down days til he graduates high school and he's in 10th grade.
I don't have a single friend left here IRL, unless you count my male friends. And of course, they are my manic male friends...so you know what that means. I don't even talk to them anymore.
I talk to my husband, who is or isn't a husband anymore...from time to time, and all I can do is cry...he tells me to pray. I have lost faith.
I miss my dog.
My mom said last night when I was leaving and I made her a sandwich...she said I hadn't eaten the whole time I was there. But I had, here and there...not much though. Right now, food is the only thing I can control, and dammit, I have to have control over something. I hate myself enough, please let me starve and get skinny again...maybe someone will love me then.
I know I'm messed up...you can say it, I won't get mad.
I cry ALL the time, ALL the time...right now too. I'm sick of it. Freaking meds aren't helping.
I talked to one of my manic male friends this morning and he said i have to "just plan something fun...just remember what you enjoy doing..." I can't remember ANYTHING. That's just plain sad.
Gotta meeting.

I am going through a deep depression myself and probably wouldn't have anything good to say. I know my depression will pass at some point and yours will too. You have a lot of changes that have happened to you. Anyone who isn't bipolar would have a hard time with what you are going through, tho with the bipolar it hightens the feelings. I know for me it does with the changes I am about to face and dealing with my SA.
~ Tina ~
Not much to say here...just wanted to give both of you big
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
wish there was something i could do/say to help you guys...but I know there's not...
just know we are here for you and keep posting
love u
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.
"You win some, you lose some, you wreck some." -- Dale Earnhardt"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing." – Rabbi Hillel
God could not be everywhere, so
Meg
Keli,
You are in such a hard spot right now. You have so many things that are challenges. Taking care of your mother is a noble thing to do but it is draining. Taking care of my MIL is what started the depression/mixed state I've been in since Sept. I have gone to about 4 doctors to see what is causing my weight loss- no one can figure it out. I have thought about it a lot and I know it is from not eating enough or eating inconsistently. I just haven't admitted it to myself or my tdoc. I hope that you are able to find the strenght to nourish yourself both physically and mentally. I would love to say something to at least put a smile on your face but nothing is coming to mind...I just feel for you and wish I could help you in some way.
You need to hold your ground and not fall any deeper. Stay strong; we are here for you.
Hugs,
Peg
Keli,
Don't be too hard on yourself--a lot of this is situational--perfectly "normal" people get this depressed when going through a divorce/breakup.