VERY depressed
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| Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:20am |
I am going through something and I am so depressed. It started out as nothing was wrong and then it lead into my flashbacks of my SA. I also had a hard time with making love to my bf b/c I felt dirty and couldn't wait for it to be over. I felt trapped. I didn't tell him how I felt, I hung in there until it was over. I still can't sleep right. I was up on and off all night...constantly waking. I got up at 3am and decided to get on computer and then watch some TV. I took my first dose of Lithium last night. I thought maybe it would make me tired but I guess with it being a low dose right now it isn't helping me sleep. Maybe tonight or tomorrow night once it is in my system it will help with sleep, I don't know.
My bf's son is coming in the next day or so and my bf's mom is coming also. The son is staying forever and my bf's mom is staying until the end of June...lucky me...NOT I am hating that I am depressed and have these issues and have to deal with company. I want to go away for awhile. I wish I had the money to go to Ocean city Maryland for a week, even weekend. Walk the board walk, watch the sun rise on the beach, try to see dolphins in the water. I really need to get away but I can't. I am stuck here, which makes me angry on top of being depressed.
Tina

Hugs, Kelli
Tina,
I am sorry you are having so much trouble with the SA issues. I have lived with sexual issues my entire marriage. Just last week I silently freaked while being with dh, then had a mini mental breakdown in the bathroom. I have been having serious flashbacks because of stuff I'm working on with the tdoc. I have NEVER shown any emotion about my SA. I have 30+ years of repressed emotion and it scares the hell out of me. I know it will all come out one day and I will not be able to control it. It's hard when you can't say anything to your bf. I feel for you because I totally understand what you are going through.
I love the beach and the boardwalk...I've never been to OC, MD. We go to OC, NJ at least twice a year. When we are dealing with tough issues in therapy, the beach is my mental safe place. Maybe you can get away for a day trip or an overnighter soon to give you a break. Do you have a girlfriend that you could have a "girl's only" trip with just to get away?
I hope that your medication helps you out soon and that you are feeling better. If you ever need to talk about the SA, I'm here for you (even though that's not the topic of this board).
Take care,
Peg
Thanks Peg for understanding. I have dealt with a little of the SA when I was younger but never in depth and now the repressed feelings are surfacing. I am still trying to repress them but they keep coming to my thoughts. I just ordered a book by Jon Bradshaw called " Homecoming" it looks good and was referred to me by a few people. I am taking it into my tdoc, she wants me to, so we can look through it and do some work on it. I am not looking forward to what feelings are going to come to surface and I don't know what my reaction will be but I can't live this way anymore. I have to do something. I am so sorry you experienced the SA too.
Tina
~ Tina ~