My day and night...some trigs, long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
My day and night...some trigs, long
3
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:34am

First of all, we are right in the middle of a freaking tropical storm and they made us come to work. How stupid. Its POURING rain, the wind is blowing...its awful.

Now, yesterday, I posted how very very depressed I am. I cried on and off all day long at work...I was lethargic, confused, and close to losing it. I am so so so tired...ya know? But then my ds calls and asks for a ride to his friend's house to spend the night. Well, I say okay, and take him and come back to work. Sit. Wait. Go home. Didn't want to go home. I knew it would be very bad.

It was.

I made something to eat and actually ate it. Hadn't eaten in 2 days or so. Then it all hit me in WAVES. I was alone. I was truly very much alone. I haven't talked to Eric (my dh, we're separated) since Saturday morning. He won't answer my calls. He'd gotten better about that. But now, again, back to that. I'm hoping he is okay. So, I go to my room and get in bed...and immediately have the worst panic attack ever. I was hysterically crying, couldn't breathe, shaking, the whole 9.

I wanted to die. Seriously.

Right then...and right there...but I knew that I couldn't, because I cannot leave my son to live with his Dad. He would hate me forever. But I still wanted to. So, I got on IM, and my friend Beth is there...she talks me through it. I get off. Immediately, I have another HUGE panic attack. Same thing, same way. I cried so much my eyes are so swollen still this morning.

All I could do was lay there, feel the horrible, immense emotional pain of the loss I've gone through with losing Eric, and even my dog...maybe more importantly my dog, lol. I cried and prayed and all I could say was God help me, please. That's all. Finally, I was able to calm myself down. But then, like aftershocks, I would have small attacks...

I didn't sleep much last night. I have sorta been talking to this guy I like...a really nice guy who doesn't want anything from me...and we texted a few times back and forth. I wish I wasn't so messed up. But, if I'm going to REALLY face reality, I have to admit that I am pretty messed up. Maybe not my fault (though about 75% of the time I think it is).

So, I made it through, but just very barely. I have a call in to my pdoc already this morning. I cannot deal with this depression anymore, and the Wellbutrin is NOT working. Its just not. I don't have the money to get any meds though, so I hope they can give me something with samples. I also cannot go into the hospital. Period.

BTW: I also did something stupid a couple weeks ago, I stopped my meds. Don't ask why. I started Lithium again last night. Trileptal tonight. I just can't start my Topamax back until the end of the month when I have money again.

I'm trying to live today only. But I have so much going on, that I'm so very overwhelmed.

I'll keep you posted. Life goes on. It sucks sometimes, and it hurts like hell, but it still goes on.

Love you all,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:03am

I can't believe they made all of you go to work today !!!

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:18am

Yeah...i know my prayer was answered...believe me.

The Government is the worst when it comes to the storms too...stupid!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:02pm
Good morning fellow Alberto sufferer! Having an outer band right now! Of course, here on East Coast it's nothing compared to the big bend. I am sorry to hear about last night and cannot believe they made you drive in today. I hope you get a better antidepressant, it sounds like that Wellbutrin doesn't do sh*t for you. I must have been having sympathy osmosis as I was up all night too, couldn't close the mind down. It's an amazing strength you have for staying off drugs as the first thing I wanted at 4 am was a drink to shut down my mind. But I know if I do that, I am sunk. Big Squeezes today and I hope it gets better! Kelli





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