Peg - how'd it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Peg - how'd it go?
5
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:38pm
I hope it went ok - let me know.





<
Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:20pm

Hi Kelli,

Well, I guess ok. I didn't tell her about my self-induced med change (she didn't ask and I didn't offer). We ended up discussing my very interesting week and had about 10 minutes for "the list".

I am just SO confused right now. Am I bp? Is this just "me"? What is "normal" mood? How much of my "mood" is because of dealing with the SA? As annoying as this "mixed or rapid cycling" can be, I don't want to give up the highs- I get so much done and I have never gotten myself into any real trouble. They crying right now, I don't like it but at the same time, isn't it good that I am finally showing emotions about the SA since I never have? How do you know what's right or wrong, good or bad, normal or abnormal? I hate the thoughts- the flashbacks, the craving of cutting, drinking. I've done a good job of ignoring them (not giving into them) but the thoughts are still there. How do you get rid of them? How do you make them go away? Are they related to bp or just the SA? Maybe DH is right, there is nothing wrong with me. I am so tempted to just not go to a pdoc...I refuse to take more medication. Of course, you tell this to the pdoc and he will say "that is the illness speaking...you need meds to keep you stable" I'm holding it all together like I have for 30+ years. I am finally doing something about the SA and getting help. What if when I deal with that all of my "symptoms" go away? I'm just confused and frustrated...

Sorry, probably not the response you expected. Thanks for asking.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:50am
Babe, I love you and hang in there, honestly. I just told "d"h that we are through, over, done. I admire you so much, you have no idea. I feel beyond, beyond lucky that I haven't had the complete and utter sh*t that you have had with the SA. I really don't know how you've survived it and become such a terrific person. Having had two girls, I just can't imagine the rage and hate that I would feel and exact upon - it is truly amazing to me that you have become the wonderful person that you are! You are an inspiration! Spelling may be incorrect, teach! I am in AWE! I am so, so tired of being told HOW to act instead of just being me, just the it that I am. The stupid, obnoxoius (as said tonight), outspoken BE-OTCH that I am. Well, f*ck it. I swear to God I am on the brink of the hole and I so don't want to go there, nothing worse than depression - NOTHING. I read Keli and Tina and Damn, not good, not good. A decade of my life. So pity party over, anger ever present and thinking of you, Kelli





<
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 8:27am

Peg- I know it is confusing when emotions are happening and you don't know what Dx's you have. The main thing here is that your symptoms be treated and then the doc can decide the Dx's. It takes time for a pdoc to get to know you and your moods before he/she can Dx you.


Dealing with SA is sooooo hard

     ~ Tina ~

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:55pm

Hey Kelli,

Thanks for the support. I'm sorry that you had a falling out with dh.

I'm not feeling very admirable right now, but I'll file that compliment for when I can accept it. Some days I think about all that I have been through and I do feel proud of surviving. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes. I minimize my past so much- it could have been so much worse, so why am I struggling with it so much? I say that to myself constantly, which is one of the reasons it is taking so long to work through it. I have to accept it before I can heal. I'm getting there, slow but sure. The mountain is high but I plan on climbing it...I just took a spill a few months ago and I'm having trouble getting my footing and climbing again- I feel like I'm working hard and not getting anywhere. And now I have the bp dx on top of it all- again, the dx did not come as a shock or surprise, it's just one more thing I need to learn to accept as "me"- whoever that is.


"just the it that I am. The stupid, obnoxoius (as said tonight), outspoken BE-OTCH that I am."

Ok, today is not a day that you should say that...you've gone and made me mad...what do you mean "the IT that I am". You are NOT a B****, you are NOT stupid and you are NOT obnoxious. I will NOT allow you to talk this way about my friend!!! Now KNOCK IT OFF!

Sorry to yell...LOL

Ok, you are also not on the edge of a hole and you are not going to fall in. I am here, along with many others, to throw you a line and keep you from falling. You know you can email me any time about anything!!!

I have to run. I have virtually done nothing today...no painting, no cleaning, just went to the gym and almost didn't have enough energy to do that. WHO TOOK MY ENERGY???? I WANT IT BACK. I'm going to dinner and painting some trim, tired or not, I have so much to do. I've gone from doing everything to doing nothing. I'm so unmotivated today...ugh

Take care,
Peg

Avatar for peg_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 4:06pm

Hi Tina,

Thanks for the reply. The dx of bp did not come as a surprise for me. It wsa just hearing it from the tdoc and realizing I have to deal with it. I finally got a pdoc appointment, the middle of July, but at least I made that step. We will see what his suggestions are. I know I am going to have to be on meds probably for the rest of my life, I'm just slow to accept things I guess, I know it's best to be on them.

I just upped my a/d to try to help so I'll see if that does anything.
I am pretty sure that if I were not on the a/ds I would be in a very deep depression from dealing with the SA. It took me over a year to agree to go on a/ds so I'll be curious to see what the pdoc says and how I react to it. The bp is just something to add to the stress of dealing with this. My tdoc has learned that some things she has to take slow or it will trigger a negative response after therapy.

The experience you had last week was the same one I had with my dh last week. It is not the first time it happened and I wish it would just go away. I CANNOT and will not tell dh this happens. He would be crushed. So, I suffer in silence...

I hope your tdoc appointment went well. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. I understand and will try to be a support for you if you need it.

Peg