WTH is this?? Poss. TRIGGER
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| Fri, 06-16-2006 - 7:13am |
I will try to describe this "incident" as well as I can. There is mention of SA.
Ok, I have had some rather vivid dreams in the past. Usually they are about my DH leaving me or having an affair or something like that (none of which has ever happened to my knowledge). I wake up, angry at him, and it all seems very "real". I tell him about it, we laugh at my strangeness and he always asks "what did you eat before bed" or "what are you reading/watching". It's like an ongoing joke with us. I haven't had these dreams for a while.
I upped my bupropion on Tues. (now 225 mg/day). I have not been sleeping well, even before taking the bupropion. I was actuall tired on Wed. and Thurs. Went to bed "early" on Wed. (about 10:30) because I was tired and didn't feel that great (had a minor headache and a little nausea). Last night I went to bed around 11:30 and listened to a relaxation CD for an hour to see if that helps me stay asleep a little better. Well, DH came home around 12:30 and I was relaxed but not really asleep. We chatted a while and went to sleep. I didn't feel well again- kind of "jumpy" feeling- like when your meds are wearing off and you get that "tingly" feeling in your head and you feel shaky but when you hold your hand out it's not really shaking (I don't know if anyone has ever experienced this). I never did fall asleep but I had something very frightening happen. I had the sense that someone was there, watching me. I "thought" is was my ds' MT. I was thinking he followed my dh up the stairs and was just "hanging" over me. It gave me a really creepy feeling and made me very anxious...to the point I had to get up out of bed and go to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to be sick. Then I felt a little confused or disoriented. I went back to bed and I told dh what happened (he asked if I was ok). I tried to go to sleep. A little while later, I had a very real "dream" (I don't even think I was alseep) that my father was molesting me. I can't remember if I was a child or if this was "happening" to me now, as an adult. It felt so real, like I could physically feel him touching me. I felt very anxious, dizzy and almost disoriented. I was scared and repulsed and when I reassured myself that it was not happening for real, I felt like I was losing my mind. Like, if I closed my eyes and "looked inward" I would not return to a "normal" state of consciousness when I opened my eyes. It was very scary for me. I kept thinking that it was like it was a psychotic episode or a hallucination or delusion or something. I hope it NEVER happens again. I don't know if it's the meds or what. I actually felt "normal" yesterday during the day- no major mood swings either way like I have been having for the last like month or so.
I was doing a lot of "research" online about bp yesterday, maybe that was part of it? I have been trying to find and excuse to refute the dx (Meg, you and I are a little alike in that respect). I was convincing myself I fit all of the criteria except the one that states "it must cause "clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning." I have lived so long with this illness that I can't "see" the impairment. Except, what I just described above caused me major distress so I just proved to myself I do fit the criteria. As I stated before, I know I suffer from this illness...it just takes me a while to fully accept things. I was also checking out "natural" remedies to help with the mood swings because I don't like the meds- but I know that is a gamble and rarely works...I guess I'm stuck..
If you read this far, thanks for "listening". I just needed to get that out to try to process it.
Peg

Hey Peg...I'm sorry that happened to you last night. It was in fact, a sort of hallucination...I've had several psychotic episodes, caused by becoming way too manic. In those episodes, I hallucinated (yes, dreams too...). I was extremely paranoid that someone was watching me...and I actually saw things that weren't there. Its a very scary feeling.
If it happens again, PLEASE call your pdoc/tdoc. You don't want to have a psychotic break. I've ended up in the hospital 3 times from breaks.
I know you don't like the meds, but the natural stuff just doesn't cut it...I've tried it all. Nothing helps. I took myself off meds for 2 weeks (stupid, me) and almost lost my mind. Now, since being back on them for 3 days even, I feel so much better.
Don't suffer needlessly, hon. You don't have to any more.
I worry about your dissociating. Its your coping mechanism and it works, but don't go too far in, or back. Okay?
Let me know how you are today.
Love and Hugs,
Keli