Terrible night, rough day :(
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| Wed, 03-09-2011 - 12:29pm |
Well, yesterday was my husband's birthday and we ended the evening by getting into a HUGE raging fight (the details of why aren't really important), and I found myself feeling so angry, like I couldn't control my rage. I know part of it was the immediate situation, but I also know a BIG part of it is all the ANGER I am harboring because of xAP, which is still very much at the surface. It was uncontrollable, and I treated my H horribly on his birthday. I ended up feeling like I'm ready to give up on my marriage because we just can't get along, and I found myself "missing" xAP and wanting to reach out, but I didn't. Because deep down I know that I wasn't really missing "HIM" per se, I was missing having an illusion of love and safety to turn to when things get tough here in reality.
Then I came in to work this morning, xAP IMs me the second I turn my computer on. I close out the IM window but he keeps sending messages, a barrage. "I would rather fight with you every day than not talk to you at all"...."I miss you"....blah blah blah. I tried to maintain LC as best as I could by just closing out of the conversations. It got me angry all over again, woke up the sadness. I came in ready to work and now I can't push xAP out of my head. He eventually left me alone but of course it's still on my mind, and since I sit across from him I can hear him over there...it's unbearable :(
I feel so stuck right now, like no matter where I am, at work or at home, I'm faced with conflict and misery and tension. It's inescapable, and it's got me feeling real, real low. I want to sleep all day and all night so I don't have to deal with either situation. I know my girlfriends are sick of hearing about all of this, which is one reason I'm so thankful for the EAS community.
I guess this is a mixture of a revelation (not actually missing xAP the person) and a vent about just how exhausted I am from fighting, with these men and with my own emotions. It will wear you out, wrestling with all the anger and sadness. I just can't tell you how ready I am for all of this to pass.

Hi SD,
I remember you. Welcome back.
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This is reality and what we have to face head on after ending the A. Life is not problem free. There will be times of turmoil and we won’t have our escape to run to. Withdraw does cause irritability. Being angry is also part of the process for some.
Are you in T? If the low feelings last for more than a few days and the intensity does not lessen, it might be time to visit your doctor for meds. Also if you notice the sadness is affecting your ability to be productive, then that is a sign of depression. Keep in mind the meds could be temporary just to get you over the hump and could be prescribed in low doses depending on the type.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Are you looking for another job -- or a transfer within your company? I cannot imagine having to sit next to xAP all day. You poor thing.
Empowerment, I sure remember you too :) Thank you for your words.
I am in IC. My second appointment is this Friday and I can't wait. I fantasize about being on that couch! For now my T thinks meds are not the way to go, though I have struggled with depression for years; yes, ending the A--and honestly, even being IN the A--has made it MUCH worse. I'm sure the depression has something to do with why I started A in the first place (temporary highs and all that). I'm working that out through CBT.
IDKW, I'm desperately looking for another job but I live in a smallish city so there is not much for me in my field. No company transfers unfortunately. I've been trying to persuade my H to move to another city, in part because there are more jobs and obviously to start over away from xAP, but he is not convinced. So for now, it's just me and xAP, all day long :(
Hello Silverdoe,
...but I also know a BIG part of it is all the ANGER I am harboring because of xAP, which is still very much at the surface.
I GET IT!