I only have a minute to respond ... it was hard to read your post, and while I absolutely appreciate that you are coming to the board instead of contacting him, come on Sunshine ... you gotta work harder at snapping yourself outta this.
You have NO IDEA what bottom looks like. NONE. NONE. NONE. WHY are YOU stuck? YOU have the answers. YOU. And sure it probably has to do with the ego blow you experienced when your xAP came to your office, with the realization that it was over, no knight in shinning armor was going to save you, no rainbow at the end of the storm & no happily ever after after the nightmare you've been living.
You'll stay stuck as long as you choose to be stuck. Yup. I stayed stuck too - it was a good distraction from my real life. Stuck cost me my marriage. Stuck means I tuck my kids in only 50% of the time. Stuck financially devastated me. You get the point.
If you've read here, you know that feeling stuck is part of the gig ... but MOST importantly, getting UNSTUCK by recognizing the distorted, foggy thinking and THEN DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
"Or did I really make a huge mistake in ending it? Say what? Did I REALLY “shut the door on our friendship” (his quote as I ended it.)"
THIS IS TOXIC SELF-DESTRUCTIVE thinking and I know that you know it.
This isn't about scolding you for your thoughts, this is about challenging your thoughts, and putting what you are learning into action(s).
I absolutely think that you need individual counseling.
There are some issues that MC can attend to, but the marriage wasn't why you had an affair, YOU were why you had an affair.
I was just going to type a response to your reply on your thread yesterday and then I saw this one so I’ll just do it all in one here.
I enjoyed reading about you and who you are in your other thread. There was so much in there about you and not xAP. I feel I know so much about your xAP and so little about you. It’s good to see you directing your time and energy on you.
First I’m glad you wrote you are “feeling” stuck and not that you “are” stuck. Feelings as well as perceptions can change from hour to hour and from day to day. So as intense as this feeling is know that it is temporary. You won’t always feel like this.
Ok so some questions. You know me with full of questions.
Do you suffer from obsessive thoughts which fall under the category or anxiety? If so what tools has your T given you to help you refocus your thoughts?
Iddy gave a good reply yesterday as to why you cannot be friends and I was going to look for an old post in HL
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I can absolutely identify with how you are feeling, and i appreciate the perspective given on the reply below..because i can only imagine that is where "stuck" lands you, and i think we all know we don't want that. I'm still in the beginning process of trying to remove the AP from my life..who is thankfully super duper long distance, but its still hard. I want so bad to not think about him, and focus all my energy on my husband who i love dearly, and can't begin to understand why i've chosen to get myself into this situation. its like you become a person doing things you NEVER thought you would... i suppose like any "addiction" you want to rid from your life, its one day at a time., and going back transiently makes you feel better.
I haven't had the cut ties convo with AP (though we've done that many time before, and it never sticks), but i'm hoping that with time, things just sort of fade away. Still can't believe i would jeopardize my marriage like this?! This online forum is good for support though, to know you're not alone.
thanks for helping me know i'm not alone in my feelings!
I just wanted to quickly add that the reason why we are all challenged with getting our XAPs out of our heads, is because the majority of the A took place right there, yes in our heads.
Seriously how much real time did we spend with them?
You have NO IDEA what bottom looks like. NONE. NONE. NONE. WHY are YOU stuck? YOU have the answers. YOU. And sure it probably has to do with the ego blow you experienced when your xAP came to your office, with the realization that it was over, no knight in shinning armor was going to save you, no rainbow at the end of the storm & no happily ever after after the nightmare you've been living.
You'll stay stuck as long as you choose to be stuck. Yup. I stayed stuck too - it was a good distraction from my real life. Stuck cost me my marriage. Stuck means I tuck my kids in only 50% of the time. Stuck financially devastated me. You get the point.
If you've read here, you know that feeling stuck is part of the gig ... but MOST importantly, getting UNSTUCK by recognizing the distorted, foggy thinking and THEN DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
"Or did I really make a huge mistake in ending it?
Say what? Did I REALLY “shut the door on our friendship” (his quote as I ended it.)"
THIS IS TOXIC SELF-DESTRUCTIVE thinking and I know that you know it.
This isn't about scolding you for your thoughts, this is about challenging your thoughts, and putting what you are learning into action(s).
I absolutely think that you need individual counseling.
There are some issues that MC can attend to, but the marriage wasn't why you had an affair, YOU were why you had an affair.
With care,
TU.
Sunrise,
I was just going to type a response to your reply on your thread yesterday and then I saw this one so I’ll just do it all in one here.
I enjoyed reading about you and who you are in your other thread. There was so much in there about you and not xAP. I feel I know so much about your xAP and so little about you. It’s good to see you directing your time and energy on you.
First I’m glad you wrote you are “feeling” stuck and not that you “are” stuck. Feelings as well as perceptions can change from hour to hour and from day to day. So as intense as this feeling is know that it is temporary. You won’t always feel like this.
Ok so some questions. You know me with full of questions.
Do you suffer from obsessive thoughts which fall under the category or anxiety? If so what tools has your T given you to help you refocus your thoughts?
Iddy gave a good reply yesterday as to why you cannot be friends and I was going to look for an old post in HL
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
i suppose like any "addiction" you want to rid from your life, its one day at a time., and going back transiently makes you feel better.
I haven't had the cut ties convo with AP (though we've done that many time before, and it never sticks), but i'm hoping that with time, things just sort of fade away. Still can't believe i would jeopardize my marriage like this?! This online forum is good for support though, to know you're not alone.
thanks for helping me know i'm not alone in my feelings!
Sounds like a co-dependency match spawn from the bowels of Hades.
I want to tell you I was reading this morning about knowing when to close a
I just wanted to quickly add that the reason why we are all challenged with getting our XAPs out of our heads, is because the majority of the A took place right there, yes in our heads.
Seriously how much real time did we spend with them?
There are some issues that MC can attend to, but the marriage wasn't why you had an affair, YOU were why you had an affair.
Yes, TU.
Great work Sunrise...
I am going to take your sentence, and re-arrange it a bit :
YOU said -
"I was just manipulated and I allowed it"
and I would ask you to ask yourself:
I allowed myself be manipulated because
OMG!