A small realization
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| Thu, 03-10-2011 - 2:11pm |
I'm beginning to understand that healing is a series of tiny realizations culminating in cumulative wisdom and change.
Yesterday I posted how sad/angry/destroyed I was that xAP had reached out to me, telling me, "I'd rather fight with you every day than not speak to you at all." At first this sentiment touched me, but then I had my tiny realization: He doesn't feel this way because he enjoys my company so much or because he loves me. He feels this way because even fighting is attention, feeding his addiction and stroking his ego. Who have I been kidding? He LOVES it when we fight because he delights in the fact that he possesses the power to provoke me. He loves that he's capable of making me SO angry, because he loves knowing that my feelings for him run so deep, that he has the control over me to affect me that much. For the narcissist, indifference is the enemy. He doesn't care if we're "together" on good terms or screaming and cutting each other down to bloody stumps with hateful words; it's all the same exact thing. Attention. A reaction. "Passion," as we used to say to justify it...ha!
He fished and said those things yesterday because he's anxious and dissatisfied that all of my thoughts are not absorbed with him anymore. That is what we fed off of, knowing that both of us were absorbed with thoughts of the other person at all times. He had to interject himself into my thoughts. Provoke me into a fight. Hear me sighing across the hall and even sniffling because he had upset me. That pleases him. And that is fundamentally sick. And I have been guilty of the exact same thing. Until now.
I'm not going to lie. The thought of him reaching indifference frightens and sickens me. My ego is still wrestling with that thought, even as I run as fast as I can toward indifference myself. But eventually I won't care anymore whether he still cares or not.
Maybe this is a realization all you Enders have already had a long time ago in your journeys. But we have to learn these things ourselves, don't we? I'm happy for my small realization :)
How about everyone else? Any "small" realizations lately?

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My big and blindingly obvious realisation (please don't laugh, this really is a new insight for me) is that married men cheat on their wives! Lots of married men! Just as I thought that my A was oh so special and different, I thought that xAPs behaviour was explained by his oh so extraordinary circumstances (you know, the wife who had put on weight and didn't appreciate him and never had sex with him - yeap, I really believed that I was the only woman who had ever been given the opportunity to "save" a man from such a grim existence).
Anyway, spending time here has made me realise that A's and cheating spouses (myself included) are as common as dirt and that the truly precious and special people in all of this are the ones who are loyal and commited and strong enough to walk away from temptation and courageous enough to face their problems head on rather than looking for a hedonistic escape. In the 21 years I've known him my H has never once given me reason to doubt his loyalty and love and commitment. And I'm ashamed to say that until this week I have never fully appreciated how special and different and extraordinary that makes him (better stop typing, can't see through the tears!)
In gratitude
Kat
"I'm not going to lie. The thought of him reaching indifference frightens and sickens me. My ego is still wrestling with that thought, even as I run as fast as I can toward indifference myself. But eventually I won't care anymore whether he still cares or not."
PURE GOLD.
I am completely at peace with the notion that he will one day reach indifference.
Because he doesn't matter, and I mean that authentically -
... and because he doesn't matter, it doesn't matter whether or not I matter to him.
I matter to me.
I am not indifferent to ME. That is where my well-being rests.
When we reach a place where being indifferent in the eyes of someone else, DOES NOT mean that we are indifferent = insignificant / unworthy - then really, it doesn't matter.
Make any sense?
TU.
TU -
I pray that he is indifferent to me....he has not fished in quite some time and I pray that is he indifferent. I pray that he never makes an effort to reach out to me, that I dissipate from his thoughts in every way. I hope you feel this one day too.
Please do not assume that I am being mean....but ya had to know deep down based on how he treated you what your role in his life was. I knew what I was. I just liked the self inflicted pain. I was so low, I knew that I mattered very little and I still begged and pleaded to be in his presence. It was total self mutilation. I got my fix every once in a while. But I knew the moment he left the room that I was just fun to him.
I blame myself for this and have really had to figure out why I did this to myself. I knew and I still went for it.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Silverdoe, Isn't it great to have these lightbulb moments?
Oh this post calls out to me today. I had one realisation to tell you, but now thanks to the thread- I have two :)
1. I found out recently that exAP is on yet another overseas business trip. At first I felt sorta sad that I didnt know that he was there- that I am no longer part of his life. Then I realised something. If we were still together, I would be going thrugh yet another phase of 'wonder if he's thinking of me', 'is he home yet, 'what time is it there', 'why hasnt he contacted me', 'oh a short platonic text- how sweeet- he must be too busy to send me the lovig text that I really know he wants to sen', 'oh you came home early but too busy to call/text, gee thats ok'......spew.
It was great to realise that Im no longer in that cr$p anymore.....and it was cr$ppy.
2. I realised thrugh this thread that I am totally terrified of him getting over me. Now while he is hurt, angry, believing me to be playing around on him when I wasnt, at least I am placated that he is upset somehow. One day he wont care less, and thats a good thing. I just hope I am indifferent too!!!
Iggyx
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