A small realization

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
A small realization
11
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 2:11pm

I'm beginning to understand that healing is a series of tiny realizations culminating in cumulative wisdom and change.

Yesterday I posted how sad/angry/destroyed I was that xAP had reached out to me, telling me, "I'd rather fight with you every day than not speak to you at all." At first this sentiment touched me, but then I had my tiny realization: He doesn't feel this way because he enjoys my company so much or because he loves me. He feels this way because even fighting is attention, feeding his addiction and stroking his ego. Who have I been kidding? He LOVES it when we fight because he delights in the fact that he possesses the power to provoke me. He loves that he's capable of making me SO angry, because he loves knowing that my feelings for him run so deep, that he has the control over me to affect me that much. For the narcissist, indifference is the enemy. He doesn't care if we're "together" on good terms or screaming and cutting each other down to bloody stumps with hateful words; it's all the same exact thing. Attention. A reaction. "Passion," as we used to say to justify it...ha!

He fished and said those things yesterday because he's anxious and dissatisfied that all of my thoughts are not absorbed with him anymore. That is what we fed off of, knowing that both of us were absorbed with thoughts of the other person at all times. He had to interject himself into my thoughts. Provoke me into a fight. Hear me sighing across the hall and even sniffling because he had upset me. That pleases him. And that is fundamentally sick. And I have been guilty of the exact same thing. Until now.

I'm not going to lie. The thought of him reaching indifference frightens and sickens me. My ego is still wrestling with that thought, even as I run as fast as I can toward indifference myself. But eventually I won't care anymore whether he still cares or not.

Maybe this is a realization all you Enders have already had a long time ago in your journeys. But we have to learn these things ourselves, don't we? I'm happy for my small realization :)

How about everyone else? Any "small" realizations lately?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 2:22pm
Ding, ding, ding, ding!!!! Way to go, girl. Indeed, the whole healing process is a series of truth discoveries--first about the A, the xAP and then, about yourself and your role in it. When you get to that point, you clearly understand how this is all about you and fixing the issues within. You are making great progress. Keep at it.
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 5:11pm
Silverdoe, that's a great realisation. Your words really struck a chord with me - I'm working so hard towards indifference but am not ready for x to feel indifferent towards me. I obviously have some more untangling to do there.

My big and blindingly obvious realisation (please don't laugh, this really is a new insight for me) is that married men cheat on their wives! Lots of married men! Just as I thought that my A was oh so special and different, I thought that xAPs behaviour was explained by his oh so extraordinary circumstances (you know, the wife who had put on weight and didn't appreciate him and never had sex with him - yeap, I really believed that I was the only woman who had ever been given the opportunity to "save" a man from such a grim existence).

Anyway, spending time here has made me realise that A's and cheating spouses (myself included) are as common as dirt and that the truly precious and special people in all of this are the ones who are loyal and commited and strong enough to walk away from temptation and courageous enough to face their problems head on rather than looking for a hedonistic escape. In the 21 years I've known him my H has never once given me reason to doubt his loyalty and love and commitment. And I'm ashamed to say that until this week I have never fully appreciated how special and different and extraordinary that makes him (better stop typing, can't see through the tears!)

In gratitude

Kat
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 5:51pm
I, too, am not ready for xAP to feel indifferent towards me. This is very confusing, as I am trying SO hard to become indifferent about him. I never really realized it till I read it here. WOW...a realization. Another realization I have had recently is that I am not special to him. I know that sounds obvious, but that was why I continued in the A for as long as I did. I really thought I mattered. I see now that I was just convenient for him when he wanted a plaything. If I had realized that from the beginning, I would have gotten out a lot sooner. I risked everything because I felt like I finally mattered to someone. It hurts to think of how desperate I must have looked to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 8:10pm

"I'm not going to lie. The thought of him reaching indifference frightens and sickens me. My ego is still wrestling with that thought, even as I run as fast as I can toward indifference myself. But eventually I won't care anymore whether he still cares or not."

PURE GOLD.

I am completely at peace with the notion that he will one day reach indifference.

Because he doesn't matter, and I mean that authentically -

... and because he doesn't matter, it doesn't matter whether or not I matter to him.

I matter to me.

I am not indifferent to ME. That is where my well-being rests.

When we reach a place where being indifferent in the eyes of someone else, DOES NOT mean that we are indifferent = insignificant / unworthy - then really, it doesn't matter.

Make any sense?

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 9:10pm

TU -

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 9:11pm

I pray that he is indifferent to me....he has not fished in quite some time and I pray that is he indifferent. I pray that he never makes an effort to reach out to me, that I dissipate from his thoughts in every way. I hope you feel this one day too.

Please do not assume that I am being mean....but ya had to know deep down based on how he treated you what your role in his life was. I knew what I was. I just liked the self inflicted pain. I was so low, I knew that I mattered very little and I still begged and pleaded to be in his presence. It was total self mutilation. I got my fix every once in a while. But I knew the moment he left the room that I was just fun to him.

I blame myself for this and have really had to figure out why I did this to myself. I knew and I still went for it.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 9:12pm
you really wont care....Promise.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 7:22pm
Luvin.....thanks so much for the reality check. Your words cut me because they are SO true. I am in tears right now looking at your post. The truth hurts. I had such low self esteem that I allowed him to use me, to treat me that way. As has been said so many times on this board....I taught him how to treat me. I knew it was just fun for him...nothing more. But I kept going back for more, because somehow I thrived on his attention. There were so many times I left him and was sad, because the reality of the situation was so clear to me. Then the fog would settle again and I would be craving that fix again. I did this over and over again. I still don't know what it is about him that made me desire his attention.I still struggle with that. Which is why it scares me that he may eventually get to a point where he doesn't care. Because in my mind, what does that say about me? I'm choosing to do what I need to do to get healthy. I'm looking into T, and concentrating on my M again. But I struggle everyday. Thanks again for your insight. It was sobering.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 7:34pm

Silverdoe, Isn't it great to have these lightbulb moments?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 3:13am

Oh this post calls out to me today. I had one realisation to tell you, but now thanks to the thread- I have two :)

1. I found out recently that exAP is on yet another overseas business trip. At first I felt sorta sad that I didnt know that he was there- that I am no longer part of his life. Then I realised something. If we were still together, I would be going thrugh yet another phase of 'wonder if he's thinking of me', 'is he home yet, 'what time is it there', 'why hasnt he contacted me', 'oh a short platonic text- how sweeet- he must be too busy to send me the lovig text that I really know he wants to sen', 'oh you came home early but too busy to call/text, gee thats ok'......spew.

It was great to realise that Im no longer in that cr$p anymore.....and it was cr$ppy.

2. I realised thrugh this thread that I am totally terrified of him getting over me. Now while he is hurt, angry, believing me to be playing around on him when I wasnt, at least I am placated that he is upset somehow. One day he wont care less, and thats a good thing. I just hope I am indifferent too!!!

Iggyx

You are what you consistently do

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