I am the best friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
I am the best friend...
4
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:55pm
My best frined recently posted a message about me and how she could help. I wanted to tell everyone a little about myself. First off, I have hit rock bottom and don't know how much lower I can go. I almost admitted myself into a local mental health hospital the other night but knew I would lose my job because I would have to commit to one week of therapy.
In 2004, my husband (now ex), three children and I moved to CA from MN. My psychiatrist warned me that I had to be cautious about decisions I made after the move because I was setting myself up for an "episode". I had never really had one and if I did, did not recognize it. We moved here in June 2004. I began a FT job in July. My mother-in-law had been diagnosed with cancer at the end of July and passed away in November. Other than emotions, my ex and I seemed to be doing the best we could holding one another up. I thought all this would have brought us closer. December of the same year, I began going out with co-workers, one of which I thought was attractive but that was the extent of it, or so I thought. By the 3rd week in December I had told everyone I had rented an apartment, was getting away to try to get over everything and I had kissed this guy. I was so selfish. I did not care how or who it affected. I was invincible and nothing mattered. Well, because I worked with this guy, I had the choice to quit or take a different position @ $3 less an hour. I left, tried another job, and then my psychiatrist recommended going on disbalility for a minimum of 6 months.
I have gained 35 pounds back of the 70 I had lost. I became really depressed and started to cut - no major gashes, just scrapes when I was in a rage. My ex met someone online - bipolar support group. He said he began seeing her in January but I do not believe him. Instead of trying to help me, I think he got so tired of trying to cope after 10 years of marriage with my condition. I know he loved me but I see him now and it is as if we were never married. His new wife - forgot to mention he got engaged August 2005 and married February 2006 - seems to be what he has wanted all his life. We only soeak when it comes to the kids. My kids act as though I am not their mother and are on vacation when they are with me.
Sorry this is so long...I could go on forever, but at least this is a start.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:55am

Hello, Welcome and glad you found us !!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 9:32am

oh honey...can i relate! i can't talk much now, because i am at work, and i have a major assignment to finish. but i soooooo understand. my husband and i have recently separated too, after 15 years. we are getting along well, now though...maybe better because he isn't taking care of me anymore, and has his own life...

i have had the same sort of episode you describe. even now, stable (well, as stable as i will ever be) i have to be very careful of who i am around. i too can be invincible when manic...but that's all part of it.

i've been in the hospital 8 times over 4 years...some times from manias and sometimes for depression and sometimes for rapid cycling so fast i didn't know what the heck was going on. i really wish you could go in...it would really help.

i also used to cut.

i will talk more with you later.

many hugs,

keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 2:52pm

I am really having a rough day. I, too, am at work right now so I am limited to what I can type. I have a regular doc appt. today not my psychiatrist until next week. I am supposed to be moving into a house next week. I do payroll and A/R for the company I work for. I did great at my interview..I am great at selling myself but not great at following through. I have only been here since January and I cannot wreck my already poor work track record. I cannot seem to stay somewhere for more than 8 months. I want to pursue another career - helping others with the same disorder or something along those lines - but I cannot make the same hourly rate that I have now and my fiance and I need that to survive. I don't have enough vacation to cover a week plus I am going to meet his Mom in OK in October so I have to hang on to as much as I can. The next few weeks are just not good weeks to miss work. I am dealing with payroll this week, a move next week, payroll the following week and the end og the 2nd quarter reports.

Can anyone tell I am at my wits end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:18pm

maybe things will settle a bit after you are done with the move...that is a huge stressor right there, not to mention the new job and knowing you can't really take time off.


please feel free to post as much as you want/can.

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God could not be everywhere, so