No desire for sex with my H after A :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
No desire for sex with my H after A :-(
11
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 5:37pm

How do you rekindle love in a M after an A???

It's almost impossible for me and many would say I should get a D than, but it's not that easy and I'm sure many people in an A after it's exposed stay in it for various reasons. No outsider can tell you otherwise. Just like I always wondered why a BS would stay with their serial cheater H's??? I am sure they have their reasons as well.

But the question remains, an A happens for many different reasons. I tend to believe and my shrink agrees with me on this, it's not always about low self-esteem or because we don't love ourselves. Because than we have a whole lot of folks in this world with low self-esteems than or issues and who doesn't have issues??? We all do (A or no A).

I just find it almost impossible to start loving my H again. Don't get me wrong, I still do love him, but not the way a W should love her H. It's more like "brother and sister love".

I don't crave him anymore, and I find just about every excuse, like going to bed really late every night, just so I can dodge sex. My H is always the one who initiates it and it has gotten to the point that we are literally down to like having sex once a month that's quick and to the point.

He knows about my A, by the way, so we are both struggling with this. And once again D is out of the question (we have a kid that would be hurt by this the most!) and honestly, like I mentioned before we have our own reasons why we can't have the D.

So, I literally got to the point of just letting the sex go in my life and if I don't ever do it again, so be it. I know this void will always be there in my life, but things could be a lot worst I guess. I doubt we are the only couple out there sexless in a marriage.

I just can't force myself to fall back in love with my H, when it has to come from the heart. I actually read in one of my many A books about women in A's do have a hard time being in love with 2 men at the same time. Even now that my A is over I still don't crave my H in bed.

I know xMM is/was was never the solution to this, but still. Than how come I still feel the desire for him and not my H.

I had to let this out. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way about this.

Thanks for reading...

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 6:13pm
There's a much longer answer to this question, but I will stick to the short version. (Or, my version of the short version. LOL)

Sex and intimacy go hand in hand. I would guess that at some point, sex aside, you and your husband stopped being intimate with each other. Whether it was when you started the affair, and started keeping secrets, or whether it happened before then - the "when" of it doesn't really matter so much as the "what".

Intimacy takes effort and work to regain, especially if you've gotten out of the habit. And for men and women (yes, I am generalizing here) - there are differences. Men tend to feel closer to us if they're having sex regularly with us...women need to feel closer to them to have sex regularly with them. Or something like that. lol

When is the last time that you held hands with your husband? Hugged him or cuddled with him (without it leading to sex)? My guess is that if you've fallen into the habit of going to bed later to avoid sex - that you're probably also avoiding most physical contact - because that could lead to sex and you don't really want it to. But holding hands, or hugging, or spending ten minutes kissing just for the fun of it (without the expectation that it will lead to more) - those things are some of the key building blocks to regaining that desire. You know? Touching just for the sake of touching, because it makes you two feel closer, because it makes you feel happy and connected - that can be a very good thing.

And, when you're feeling close and happy and connected...well, anything can happen. :)

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 11:57pm
Its really pretty simple. Women for the most have to feel love for a man to want intimacy, kissing, cuddling AND sex. If that love connection is gone the intimacy usually goes right along with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 12:17am

Hi L

A lot of us M enders are struggling with this one, hence why you haven't received many responses. After experiencing those lustful 'highs' whilst in the A, it will require effort (mostly on our part) to rekindle anything to that degree . I'm trying to put a lot of focus on my R with my H, the attraction is still there, we use to be very into each other, but lost that sexual connection somewhere along the way. I have been throwing a lot of playful admiration/attention over his way, emailing/texting him spontaneous messages. I'm also planning a trip away, sans kids, next weekend and plan to bring back date night, we use to do this once a week pre A.

Goodluck

V888
xxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 1:46am

While my marriage ended prior to my affair ending, we did have sex after the affair ended AND after we had separated. Call it loneliness on both our parts, and the need/want to feel connected to someone loving & safe. And you know what? I can honestly say it was the most fulfilling intimacy/sex of my life. We had traveled through a nightmare together, we had hurt each other beyond articulation - but through ALL the tears with disclosure after disclosure, and the new found honesty I had created, the open communication, and the feeling of having nothing left to hide ... I was totally and completely able to LOVE him.

The hard part was, that's indeed when I fell in love with my husband all over again, at a point in which our marriage was unable to be repaired (for lots of complicated reasons).

BUT, the lesson I learned was that safety, security, deep connection, communication, transparency, authenticity that I experienced with H after years of marriage was SO incredibly valuable, and I through it away because I was chasing the elusive highs of sex with xAP. Sex that only seemed all the more exciting because of the context of the affair. If we weren't in an affair, the sex would have been average ... the excitement of the wrongness of it ... all the wonder if we would or wouldn't - the build up, the secrecy, the collusion together, the anticipation - THE NATURE OF THE AFFAIR PRODUCED THE SEEMINGLY AMAZINGNESS OF THE SEX. Remove the context of the affair, and transport into the normalcy of life, and over time, it would have been the same old with xAP too. Because it's life that can get in the way in a marriage ... the REAL LIFE stuff that, if left unattended to/neglected, builts a wall between partnered people. A wall that grows thicker the longer that the issues within the relationship are not resolved.

I truly believe that NO sex in a relationship is the symptom, and just like the choices we made to fuel our affairs, we can make choices to fuel sustaining & fulfilly love within a committed relationship.

I see that you are seeing a "shrink" ... I am curious then what insights you have gained about your motivation for seeking out an affair? Are you and your H in counseling together? What steps are you taking to re-connect with H?

with care,

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 1:52am

Hi L,

I was you a year ago!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 2:22am
Oh TU, I wish that you hadn't had to experience so much loss in order to be able to reach those understandings. Your words cut right through me when I realise how close I came to losing my M too. Thank you for sharing so generously.

Luv, I am struggling with some of those same questions too so thank you for posing the question. For now, the best I can do is to "act the way I want to feel." Each day I make a conscious decision to be warm, loving, attentive, sexually available, open, and appreciative towards my husband. I make time to be alone with him, explore new places, try new activities, kiss him hello and goodbye, smile when he walks in the room, make plans for our future, do things because they make him happy and not just because I want to, give him my undivided attention when he's talking - all the things that I did/thought of doing for xAP for so long and had stopped doing at home.

It's not always easy, and we have a long way to go, but slowly, slowly, we are pulling out of the death spiral we were in and we are starting to spiral up towards the light.

I look forward to reading others' suggestions.

Kat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 7:53am
I agree with kat right now I am concentrating on doing the little things and also trying to remember to so some of the little playful stuff I did txt wise with xap through the day right now its a concentrated effort but I'm looking forward to the day out comes natural. I dont feel the same passion while making love with h that I did having sex with axp not even close but I use to pre a so I'm praying that with return, I dont think its automatic for anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 12:37pm

I can really relate to this LM3D because I actually felt the same way.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 1:18pm

Thank you ALL for your responses. I didn't have the chance to respond sooner, that's why I am getting back just now.

@Justkim

I was never very much into sex, not with my H, nor with anyone else before I got M (and I have been with a handful of guys in my life). I know the highs in an A are due to many things: secrecy, the forbidden excitement, lust, etc. But to me it wasn't! I know and I'm sure many say that A's are always about lust. My A lasted over 7 years and we were almost like "dating". We didn't just hook up for sex. We spent 75% just hanging out, lunches, even went out a few times at night, to the movies, etc.

It was obvious that I started the A for a reason and my reasons was that I was simply just bored in my M. It was nothing that my H did, or didn't do, it wasn't because I have low self-esteem or don't love myself, etc. It was simply because I wanted that passionate love which I never had with any men (not my H either).

The weird thing is that my H and I (if you look at us from an outsiders view), are like the "perfect" M couple. The minute we leave the house, we hold hands and people in our neighborhood always say how romantic we are and how rare it is to see that amongst married couples (we've been M 16 years).

But true, when my A started, even before that I started having less and less desire to have sex with my H.

And yes, men relay on sex in a relationship. To me, I don't mind the kissing, or hugging, or cuddling with my H, but since sex is so infrequent now with my H, 99% chance it will lead to sex. For him, there is no "just cuddling".

That's why I don't even wanna do any of that, because if we kissed and hugged every day, chances are we would end up having sex every day.

But the reality is this, even when I kiss my H, I feel nothing towards him now. Sad, but true! I think once we fall out of love, there really isn't anything that can be done to fall back in love with that person. The A is really just the icing on the cake. I always believed that when an A happens, there were problems in a relationship/marriage to begin with.


@Peace

Totally agree!


@V888

See, for me, my H now initiates everything, the flirty text messages (which he always used to do regardless), complementing me (which he always did), but for me I just can't force myself to want to want him. I do believe that on my part the attraction is not there anymore. I am not even jealous of him, which is another red flag that I don't even get pissed if another woman flirts with him now.


@TU

I asked my H many times if we could just separate for a little bit. To give me time to see if I would even miss him at all, or if there is hope to even stay in this M, but he refused. He said for him IF we separated, it's like getting a D.

I am sure, and I also discussed this with my T, that if xMM and I were together as a real couple, the sex would eventually get boring with him too. But who knows? If I had to do things all over again, I would probably never get married. I would want my space, to keep the excitement/sparks with a partner in my life. I really hate the day-after-day ordinary life that my H and I live now. I know that's with "all" marriages, but still.

I never treated my A as an A either. I know this probably makes no sense, but that's why xMM constantly pulled away from me when he would see I was treating it for MORE than what it was.

And what angers me more that here I am now, no sex in my M, seeing a T on a weekly basis, trying to out my life back on track, while I highly doubt xMM is going thru any of this in his life. And I believe him when he used to always tell me that he still has sex with his W. In the past when I used to snoop on FB and see his W constantly brag about what a "perfect" life they created with xMM, made me wanna vomit. I don't understand how many are in such denial about an A. And she KNOWS about his A too. Kinda makes me wonder how people can just shove this HUGE problem under the rug and move on like it's no big deal!???

I really hate the term "my motivation for seeking out an affair". I didn't just wake up one morning and say to myself "I am gonna find me a sex partner today". It isn't like that and I know they disagree about it on these message boards, how A's don't just happen. True, no one held a gun to my head either, but I also wasn't looking to have an A.

As far as MC goes, let's back up here a little. Therapy is not cheap!!! I am happy if I can at least seek help for myself here, let alone pay for MC on the top of that. Even with therapy, it took me months and after like 12 T's to finally find me this one whom I really like and does not judge me. Therapy alone is a scary thing and who knows how long I will have to go when I can finally not let the A phase me anymore.

I don't think you really understand what I'm going thru. If the "in love" feeling is gone, doesn't matter how many sexy lingerie's I wear for my H, how much I kiss him, if I feel NOTHING anymore! It's like being a gay man and trying to kiss a woman. They would feel nothing. See my point?

@Liberty

I am sorry, I don't know al the terms used on the boards lately, but what's a JAM?

For me, when I was still with xMM, it made sex at home with H much more tolerable. I would even initiate it that point.

My H and I have talked about it, that maybe we have just reached a point in our M, like many do (with or without an A) that we fall into that category like many couples do. The sex is just getting less and less. We do everything for my D now and as long as she is happy, so are we. I kind of accept if this is how my M will be now, without sex. Everything else is great, just not the sex! I was never too crazy about it anyway, not even with other men in my life. That is why it puzzles me why sex was the best I have ever had with xMM. To me, as much as sex is important in a M, but I also think it's not the end of the world either. I also don't fool my H either. I am brutally honest with him HOW I feel now, etc. There is no point for me to pretend! To me, sex comes with passion and if I don't have that, than I feel like a "dead fish" in bed. Sorry, but that's the truth.


@Kat

It's not that I don't wanna make any effort in gaining the love back, but to me once it's gone it's GONE!!! I look at some of my friend's whose H's had A's and when it was over, they went back to their lives like nothing ever happened. I can't figure that out. It's like the guy will have sex with his W like no big deal, and the woman just forgets he even had an A. I don't get it!


@Lookingforhappy

I feel the same way as you do. If I do do something nice for my H, I feel like I "forced" myself and didn't actually come from my heart. So, to me that's not love!


@NewSeason

I have had a rollercoaster ride with xMM for 7+ years and there were times we have gone NC for like 5-6 months at a time and of course stupid me would break NC. He fished only when he felt like it, but it was mainly me who broke NC. And when I read posts here from people who were out of their A's 5+ months, they were doing so much better than me. They say time heals the wounds, but for me, I still felt as down and depressed (even after 5 months of NC) as day one after my A ended.

My H and I stopped tongue kissing a VERY long time ago and once again it's all because of me, because I feel NO desire. I can't stress that enough here! For me, once the desire is gone, it's GONE :-(

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 3:21pm

Hi luv,

I'm going to c&p some of your post - not to "pick it apart", but just because I tend to be a wordy little thing, and sometimes lose my train of thought in the middle, so I find it helps me to be more concise if I c&p.

    

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