am I really "doing better"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
am I really "doing better"?
6
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:44pm

Well, my pdoc today said he thought I was doing a lot better. I'm not sure how he came to believe this, I said that there weren't nearly as many highs but they were still there, and that the lows weren't AS low but I'm always at least slightly depressed. This translated into- get off the abilify in a week and you should be fine on just 50 mg lamictal (it will be 100 mg in two more weeks). He's just ready to ship me off to college and get a pdoc to keep up with me there.

I mean, yea, I'm doing better. But I'm now stressed out because what if I end up like this and don't get enough help? Just because I don't want to pull my skin off/go to the hospital/overdose doesn't mean I'm feeling great and ready to go. I mean, I'm still cycling daily. I'm just so confused. How do I know when I'm better and how do I make sure my pdoc knows what's going on? I thought I explained it all to him pretty well, but I don't think I'm doing as well as he seems to think. Maybe I'm the one who's wrong though, who knows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:25pm

Hey Meg...okay, this sounds SO weird to me. Yeah, you're doing better, so lets' come off a med? Does'nt really sound right...you might need to talk to your pdoc some more, see if you can explain in more detail how you are feeling.

If you end up back at college, and you're not stable, it could cause major havoc and chaos, as you well know.

Talk to pdoc again. I would NOT come off the Abilify...its part of what is keeping you doing better. Know what I mean?

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:27pm
Hi there! Only you and your pdoc knows what's going on but it sounds to me like you are afraid. Maybe you can put off going to college for a year, get a local job, and just take some time to adjust to the "new" life of BP adaptation? That way you don't have this big deadline looming and don't have to switch pdocs until you have been stable for awhile longer? Just a thought. Hugs, Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:47pm
Well the thing is that he thinks it's the lamictal making me better, so he wants me off the abilify!? I mean that's fine by me because I hatehatehate the antipsychotics and never start to feel better until night time when they slowly wear off (like starting now) so if I don't have to take it fine. But the thing is I'm just afraid he's going to label me as "well" too quickly and then I'll just spiral back down like I did in February! I was in college in upstate NY (i'm from ark) and I had to leave and come home- it was all just a huge mess especially with no family around. I'm so SO extremely afraid of it happening again. I wish I could take a year off but I'm supposed to be going to vanderbilt and they won't take me next year, only this year. They said I could apply again but what if I dont get in?? I don't know, at least this time I will be within driving distance to home (which, who knows what random nights I will decide just to pick up my toothbrush and go home!?) Sorry i'm ranting! I'm so worried about all of this though!! It really is a race for my sanity (and my sanity is pretty worn out already) this isn't making sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:59pm
Unfortunately, I don't know what to tell you - I can barely figure this whole thing out myself. Do you trust him? That much I do know is half the battle - the trust factor. BP is so deceiving, I am trying negotiate it without meds. I wish you the best of luck in your tough decisions ahead - and many, many hugs, Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 8:41pm

Okay, so this is the first time I've posted on this board. So, if my post is too vague or rambling, well, I'm kinda sorry about that.

Meggem-I can soooo relate to what you are going through. (It wasn't too long ago that I was in college/grad school.) It really breaks my heart to hear you stressing. Unfortunately, there is no 'right' way to deal with your situation. Everyone is different. Although, I can tell you from my experience, that the stress you place on yourself can truly be your worst enemy. I was always so afraid of failing and letting my parents down (esp.) that I created an enormous amount of unnecessary pressure for myself. Yeah, and BP folks, we don't generally react well to stress. I went from feeling positive about my studies to wondering how I had managed to get accepted all. Somehow, I ended up smoking, drinking way too much and having a string of superficial relationships...actually, they tended to overlap quite a bit. Definitely not what I was there to do!

Enough about me though.

One positive you should keep in mind is that you will have a bit more sunshine all year. I'm also from the South and when I moved North I really had a tough time with the dull winters. It was a total trigger for me. Pretty much every year, just after winter break I would have real problems. Upstate NY is a bit dismal in the winter, no? So more sun can't hurt!

Schools can be kind of difficult with the whole deferment thing for transfers. Perhaps you could make an effort to forge a solid relationship with a therapist at your uni's student health center? He/She might serve as a good second opinion on your meds issues. I know I really relied on my tdoc freshman year of college. She helped me out with loads of random stuff like campus housing and, oooh, one semester where I needed an extension. And, if you are feeling too overwhelmed come December, the therapist might be able to assist you in taking a semester off. Taking a semester (or a year...or two!) off is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Seriously. Don't feel pressured to blaze through in 4 years.

I guess, in a long, long, rambling way (hey, I warned you) I'm getting at something super simple. BP shouldn't stop you from achieving your goals; but it should temper the decisions you make to reach them. Does that make any sense at all?

Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm done now.

Wow. That's far too long. Sorry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:47pm

Uglyfeet the fact that you graduated from grad school gives me so much hope! Seriously between the second post I made on here and yours I had already gone down again but reading your message triggered me back up!! (yea, it's that easy!) We could be the same person. Honestly, I'm so afraid of letting my parents down and I used to be such a good student! I mean, I was on the dean's list, etc etc, doing great. Then I was drinking drinking drinking, having a great time- then I got drugged. I think this was what triggered my year long depression. I've only been diagnosed for less than 3 weeks but it's weird looking back on it I can definitely see signs. Anyway, oh and THE SNOW! Who lives in that? Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't freeze to death. I'm cold in like 60 degree weather. -40 degree windchill was enough to keep my locked up in my little room for the entire winter (oct-april, hah).

Getting a tdoc is probably a good idea. I know the whole transfering deal is going to be hard for me as it is (I've also got social anxiety). I'm only planning on taking 12 hours so I shouldn't be too overwhelmed but you never know. Back in the spring I was down to 9 hours and I could hardly get to the classes, let alone do the work. But yea, finding a tdoc I can connect with would be great for me. It's just such a pain to find one!

I'm not afraid of taking a semester off if need be now that I've done it. Hah, I'm on like the 5 year plan already my guess is it'll be 6 before I'm done. Anyway I completely understand the taking a different path to reach your goals idea. In some ways getting diagnosed BP is good because it's slowing me down and forcing me not to stress myself out so much! Or pretending like I'm not. Ugh I'm just so completely petrified or college right now. Oh well I'm sure it will work out in the end! Thank you so much for your post it helped me a lot!!

Meg