Tween me up, iddy!
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| Sun, 03-13-2011 - 3:50am |
With the daylight savings adjustment its now 3:15 in the morning where i live in new york city. my husband is snoring soundly next to me,a nd i'm wide awake; thoughts of my A, my AP, and the marriage im trying to rebuild running through my head like a freight train, mingling with the wine I had with dinner and creating a cocktail of frustration, disappointment, regret and anticipation.
3 days ago , I made tweener. officially 6 months NC. it has been ages since i posted on EAS, and for those who dont know my story, in a nutshell; I got into an A within several months of getting married, it lasted about 5-6 months, i ended it, had a d-day, then my husband read all of my EAS posts and since then we've been rebuilding. a big part of why is topped posting is bc the hubs has read all of my posts and knows my EAS name, meaning this is no longer my safe space to be completely unflinchingly honest about everything thats going through my head.
quitting EAS robbed me of a support group of women who reminded me that im not the only "bad girl" in the world. i beat myself up daily for what i did, and i must admit i sheepishly had the affair stereotype in my head: middle aged overweight housewife, neglected by husband, messes around with younger man to regain sense of youth and vitality rather than confront the realities of her crumbling marriage and mediocre life. boy was i wrong!!
here i am, late 20s, beautiful, educated (completing my PhD), tons of friends, good family, good upbringing, no severe debilitating daddy issues, and i did what i never thought i'd do. i betrayed my husband. over and over and over. for months. lied. and lied. and then lied some more. hotel rooms. bar bathrooms. cars. and it was the best sex i ever had and i hated myself for it but i couldn't stop. i was addicted to the attention. beacuse despite having what i had, and feeling fulfilled in many ways, i felt completely invisible to my husband. instead of facing that pain and confronting that reality, i escaped into another man.

E~
Needless to say, I have wondered what happened to you. I'd be happy to honor you with your wings.
Thank you, i feel so special ! yay wings!
and yes, iddy, i'd like to share my insights with newbies as well, so i will do my best to reconnect to EAS. i have missed being here and as we all know, giving good advice is as satisfying as taking good advice, so i think it will help me along even more. the first and most obvious advice i can give is that NC is the only way. i think everybody has to come to that realization in their own way. for me, telling my H was what sealed the deal, because once he knew the truth, i knew that 1 stray text or email could be the end of us, and saving my marriage was and is very important to me. for single gals, this is not an option, but i think the underlying concept can work: what can the A take away from you and how badly do you want to fight for it?
the othe pearl i've discovered is actually a more encouraging one--it gets easier with every day. the first month of NC was the hardeset because ap was fishing so much, and i wanted to respond. 2nd month was a little easier than the 1st, and so on. you can turn NC into a habit with repeated practice. thats how 28 day rehabs work; you stay clean long enough to detox and break the habit. everything after that becomes about avoiding relapse.
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!
Fantastic TRUTH you share!!!!!
Congrats to you for staying the course and achieving personal accountability and all the freedom and peace that comes with that!
I hope you find the self forgiveness you seek.
xo,
M
E82-