ok small confession...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
ok small confession...
5
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 7:17am

Hi all

So I think I am having 2 steps forward and 1 1/2 steps back- so small progress but progress nonetheless. But every now and then I get stuck in a pothole of thoughts about what exAP thinks of me.

Now when Im having agood day and these thoughts come- I couldnt care less. I KNOW that he was lying to me and that he was on a dating site while we were together. He doesnt know I know. I am sure he would explain it away by saying he never trusted me and was on there only to see if I was on- but thats BS so its not even worth contemplating.

BUT.... on a bad day....these thoughts run away with me. I become worried- WORRIED (ugh hate that I care enough that I actually become worried) - that exAP thinks I actualy was cheating on him. I mean honestly I dont get it! What

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2011
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 9:25am

Hi Iggy,

Im fairly new to this site/board and just finding my way around but your post resonated with me.

Ive been NC for 12 days only and it s hard so hard, i also torment myself with what my XAP thinks of me and think of all the "depraved" things we did. He used those very things that we "enjoyed" together in the end to destroy my self confidence and i have poor body confidence now also. We have to beleive in ourselves as good people and beautiful women. I know its hard and the two steps forward one step back thing seems like we will never get there. But we are moving forward still, yes?

So many similar stories. Its so sad but also so comforting to feel not alone in this pain.

I beleive also that my XAP cared deeply for me, as I did him, but it got lost in the lies and the deceipt,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 9:41am
Hi Iggy do you think it is yourself that you are struggling with in what you feel about rather than xap? I find myself it is what I think about me that I really struggle with when I face myself. Try changing the focus away from xap and accept who you are and love yourself for all that is you:-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 9:52am
Iggy my girl,
a quick note....
whenever I got stuck in that rut - I had to remember too that this is all to do with perspective so I would ask myself some questions to get me back on track -
1. If he thinks I'm cheating - will it change anything?
2. Who's opinion to I care more for - my family or xAP?

The reality is - it doesn't matter. It sounds like you have some down time that you could fill with something else - so get busy - read a book, make or buy some cards to send to people that do matter, take up a new hobby (scrapbooking, crochet, sewing). It sucks because we WANT to be wanted. We like that someone for however long you were in it, NEEDED you.

Who needs you now? Your family. Do something nice for them today.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 6:03am

Thanks Jen and Spiffy

Your responses were great and provided some real food for thought. I really dont want to care what exAP thinks of me, I mean it truly doesnt matter as I will never see him again and he has no involvement with my real world. So he can think terrible things if thats what he wants- it really wont affect my daily life. So why does it bother me?

Today I stayed positive when these thoughts came into my head. I kept thinking things like:

'It doesnt matter, I KNOW the truth"

"I did the best I could at the time, now I can do better'

etc

This has helped a bit, I think thse cr$ppy days just come and go.

Big hugs to you all

Iggy

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 5:38pm
Lolly
Your post came in at the same time as mine so I didn't get to thankyou. Your questions are absolutely right. I spend way too much time thinking about exAP and his opinion of me. Who cares. Today I am going to shrug and say "so he thinks I'm a slut- so what". That's the worse scenario and you are right. That's 100 times better than my family thinking that.
Iggyx
You are what you consistently do